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Edit: I can't aford this monday's chemo therapy, they wont do another 'we'll get your payment later'
I feel like quiting chemo and just let it go... I feel very depressed.

End of stupid Edit

My body, soul, heart feels bad. Knowing a new beginning is waiting beyond my imagination...

But I get the one threat after the other of my mother. She pressed charges against me and reported me for earning money behind the goverments back. Meaning the donations. I told her they were for my chemo and showed her the evidence I have cancer.

She laughed at my face and said: 'You have no cancer, all you want is 'pitty'
I stood there like: ' ... '

My depression is fake, my problems are fake. "I said I have no mother anymore"
it went like : "me me me me me me me me me me" eventuelly... yesterday she demanded the key of the postbox NOW!
I texted her I was at the doctor and I could not do what she wants IMMEDIATLY.
She told me she'd leave me alone "forever"

I'm in a tough knot because of her. Tomorrow I have to go to check my psyciatric institution. Yes, I have to go 'through' it 'AGAIN' and EPSI is warned for my condition. Everyone seems to be scared I'd kill myself.

Mum threatened she'd put us in debt with it. I laughed at her with: 'Your pills are proven they don't kill you, just doze you off. 4 or maybe 5 doctors said it to you and us. We are not stupid, I on the other hand have the medication to do such action and I would not survive it...'
She laughed and went like: 'You think 'I' would pay for your funeral?'
I grinned and went like: 'Yes, you are the only 'parent' on my papers isn't it?'
Her smile vanished quickly. I know I wouldn't do something this stupid. I am not in 2008 anymore. Everyone calls me strong. I might be but when I get my downs I just 'sleep' through them. That's how I pass the 'death feeling'

I can't aford my next chemo coming 3rd of december. Infact I can't aford anything anymore. I'm working on a callender for sale for 2013 (those who believe that 21 december is just another JOKE) and of course the MLP - FIM Pony Auction. There will be ONE SET on E-Bay once it's finished. The Mane 6 and Derpy Hooves.

Taking 'livestream' commissions right now is hard. I have no place in the room I currently I'm at. It's a total mess... my 'treasurechest' is broken. It holds al my skethes from when I was very young till now and all the comic's I learned to draw from...
It's over 80 KILO'S so yeah the desk in that room is quite... Yeah...

I sleep on the floor still. I'm starting to get used to the cats, dog, hamster and ferret. I'm having less astma attacks.
Doctor put me on a heavy vitamin cure, because I misscarried, I leak a 'lil wich is very ... annoying... so I got this 'vitamin revitalation' booster and I have to practice my hips or how you call it.

Katty is leaving the 4th to UK for shopping trip and the next day to Tunesie to see Mikey, I wish I could join but I'm in deep debts now.

I don't DARE to ask for donations because of the attacks.
I think the ATTACK that's currently going on here is enough ATTACK I'm having currently.

I know I got a lot of friends, suport and love around me and I think of everyone everyday. I feel sad to hear when things are wrong with you guys. My doctor is now trying to 'push' me 'out' to live on my own...

But I have nothing, I'm NOT allowed to work. I got that said AGAIN to my face by few doctors. SO HOW am I going to be able to move on my own and go to psyciatric and chemo? That's not going to work...

I feel so broken inside of me. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that Katty is a really good woman.
I kind of cried when she said she'd go to Tunesia without me. Because I kind of need 'suport' but I just went like *pushes those tears back* 'you go girl, you go have fun with the man you love, I'd be a 5th wheel on a wagon anyway XD'
But inside I feel a little... or maybe a lot... 'Alone' ...

I never wanted to part with my mother like this... It hurts when she tells you she is sueing you...
While all I ever did was everything for her.

She plays victum...

I lost everything... I barely eat... What's the point of it? I barely drink and my throat hurts. What's the point...
I can't do chemo anymore, I can't do anything anymore... I don't know how to pay my bills that come in.

I hope the lady knows good advice, I really do... But I'm sure it wont be a miracle...

Well, you got your revenge mum. But I wont kill myself, I know you want me dead... I know you that you were planning to kill me. You said so to people, you'd kill me in my sleep, you didn't mind to go to jail for that, wasn't it?

I heard you talk... I heard it all...

Am I now a person with no 'mama' ?

Since I'm rejected by her as child, not allowed to visit, sued for money to suport her monthly...

Seriously is this what all kids/grown ups go through when they leave their parents?
Cuz' $h!t!

-_- Oh well, I'm sorry guys... I try as hard as I can.


NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

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Add a Comment:
Kanadesonya Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Your mother is f*cked up,no she isnt a mother not anymore sorry but the definition of mother is one that brought her child in the world in order to nurture it and to support the child throughout his/her life,i do not think your mother qualifies for even 1/3 of the qualities based upon this,i simply cannot comprehend on why a mother would wish her child's death and heck even think her child's illness is fake,makes me enraged,....and oh the things i would do if i was in your position,but remember you never asked for cancer and its sad how your mother never understood that
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
What an evil woman..... Does she have anything even coming close to common decency?
stuffedbellylover Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012

please donīt let chemo slip from now on... You still have some things on your bucket list to do I guess... and quitting your chemo would be worst to do so... as it would be giving up. Iīd understood it if your doctors told you thereīs no hope anymore... then it might be the best solution to live the time left without the pain and side effects chemo has to offer... but you are on a roll recently!

Go to the docs on Monday and plea for a chemo... maybe they will think twice about not helping you...

In my opinion they have to help you regardless there is money or not!

Give it a try, Karine... they canīt do more than say "NO!"...

But how can we all support you, dear Karine? How much do you need for your chemo and where can we donate?

Please tell me!

I had planned to donate in January as I have some payments to do before but if you are so much in need I might chjange my opinion and just risk it.

So tell us how much you need please!

All the best and hugs,

xXxtamdasexmonoxXx Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
just hold on... everything will get better in due time... i promise... i'm still with you!
SashikuChan Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Girl i wish I could just scoop you up and bring you into my world. My dad is a little bit like your mom, but fortunately I don't talk to him much. I live with my mom and she's a very kind woman. She had cancer as well and I took care of her through it, She is in remission now *5th year* and we're doing alright. If only I could just somehow magically bring you here to be free of your problems. You'd have all the support and love you'd ever need. :l I hate that It's not so easy. Life should be easier, you know?
BleuMune Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Unfortunately with how the world is today, there will ALWAYS be someone trying to tear you down. It is better to face the naysayers head on and fight for yourself. Some say "Fight for what you believe in". Believe in yourself and fight. I've been suffering from depression myself for many years, and, if you ever feel like getting stuff off of your chest, I'm here. You can just send me a note, or I can send you one if you want.

BTW... I see that you mentioned that you had been leaking... Do you mean from your... er... Curves? I nursed my daughter for a time and to avoid leaking while at school. If you're still having trouble, maybe I could help? Or give you some suggestions?
Sombraluz-Images Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Professional General Artist
kaput6no Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Digital Artist
Sweet Jesus, the world is fucked up, people are fucked up... I'm so sorry for you... compared to you I'm happy to have zero interaction with my family, at least it's a good way to avoid such a messed up situation.

Keep on fighting, girl.
Lily-Death Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
think of a white horse falling in the mud. that always makes me laugh. when you're sad or depressed, just do something to make yourself laugh. i wish there was more i could do. but just hang in there hun :) :hug:
PreciousMiseries Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Edit: dont give up dear dont let life/god/your mother/anyone keep you down. your strong so strong dont give up on you like so many others have. :C
firephoenixx456 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
*hugs tight*
SkyeWare Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
PeachSapling Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You can go through this Karine! I just know of it! If your only "parent" can't love you, then there must be someone that will.

Remember how I said the Let's Play community has you tucked under their wing? I didn't break that promise. I give you Relaxajin, a 34 year old woman who has that channel where she plays soothing and relaxing games while saying positive things herself. [link] And if you just want some laughs, try her loud channel, where she's the complete opposite of her other channel. XD [link]
stuffedbellylover Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012

Iīm so sorry to hear about the woman that gave birth to you threatening you in that way... You should not talk to her anymore... donīt answer her calls and such things...

In case of your chemo tell your doctors about it all... maybe they find a way to do the chemo anyway. Itīs a life on the line and they have taken an oath to help persons in medical need... and you are in medical need.

So go and see your docs and tell them... as you need the chemo so badly... If I was in place of your docs Iīd give you the chemo anyway and pay for it on my very own...

I can see why you feel so lonely... the woman who gave birth to you has pushed all your friends away... maybe you still have the phone number of some... you should phone them up and tell them you arenīt with that woman anymore!

I also think you should see an attorney to put charges against the woman that gave birth to you, Karine... she pleas for it in my opinion... so do it! She doesnīt expect you to fight to the last stand... so show her you are tough... show her she has no power over you anymore...

Karine, you know I try to be an understanding and peaceful person but reading about what the woman that gave birth to you is doing to you over and over again makes me wanting to kill or at least hurt her in a way she learns a lesson... Sorry to admit that... I donīt wish anything bad to her but if something bad hapens Iīd be happy for you actually... as you would be free finally!


good luck on all your projects! Maybe that calendar will doing well on sale as well as your drawings you do at conventions! I hope it sooo much!

All the best, big caring hugs and please donīt give up!

PreciousMiseries Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your mom is one of those ppl that she be ran over by a train/truck/elephant/etc 2500000 times. =-= i hope your life will get better hun your a great person and your mother is a cunt muffin. >:/ your to wonderful a person to let her keep you down so keep your head above water. hugs you [link] something to help you smile. always listen to this to cheer you up. :']
TurkeySM Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry things had to end with your mother like that. I just hope and pray your future turns out better! You've already pushed through so much, it'd be a terrible shame if everything collapsed now!
Jbro109 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
What the f*** is with your mom? She should be ARRESTED for that!!!
Lily-Death Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you can do this! if you're mom is truly like that, then to heck with her! (i'm really sorry) people like that aren't worth your time. i believe in you! i want you to live on! live on happily! there's no way for me to help physically, but i can still lend you my full support, even though it's not enough! just know that there are people who love you! :tighthug:
lightning198 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You got this! Maybe this is too mean but tell your mom to go f herself . Sorry about that. But still that's really cruel, I've never seen something like that. She shouldn't treat you like that. You are still in my prayers. :hug:
Sombraluz-Images Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional General Artist
Be strong! You have proof of your condition and your inability to work, so her case could be dismissed. You could actually sue her for emotional and physical abuse. Do not fear her! I still have you in my prayers. :tighthug:
ShuyinTheEnigmatic Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student Writer
Just...... Hang in there...
thatnerdyowl56 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Just keep going, be strong, I know you can:heart::cling:
gamemastersimon Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
She laughed and went like: 'You think 'I' would pay for your funeral?'
I grinned and went like: 'Yes, you are the only 'parent' on my papers isn't it?'
Her smile vanished quickly.

That made me smile, she didn't think that through very much. xD

My dear friend, I want you to relax some, every little bit you can. It's good that you keep these journals but you seem more and more agitated lately.

I want you to feel at peace, forget about the money for a day. Do what you like instead.
Limey-Boy Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
Indeed, I agree fully!
EveDaring Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it's kinda good I'm not there right now. Because 5 seconds after I see your mother, there's probably gonna be some blood on the floor....though I probably wouldn't be sued if I do the job effectively enough. At this point, I am HIGHLY suggesting legal help here. Because, if you really think about it; she'd be in much more legal trouble than she says you are. You did things because you were desperate. She did them, because she's a jerkwad. I don't completely understand the whole "hate" reason behind all of this, and don't really bother to care. Because the real issue isn't the problem, it's the result. The result is what matters in this world, and this result needs to be rewritten. What you need, is real proof. Real proof that this all happened and can be scientifically proven to be real. Like.....a diary. A diary can't be forged, if it's written by your own hand. You don't need anything else if you can just prove that this is all real. Find some way to make your mother show that you're telling the truth. Perhaps somehow....record a time when she was mean to you. I hope you take these words into careful consideration.
Makrino Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
you can do just gotta keep pushing...I know you won't give up -hugs-
Nektarios-Cat Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Be Strong~ :heart:
KyutiHuni Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
your doing something a lot of people can't bring themselves to do even when it suppose to be good for them.

So just keep trying your best.
Saga-Sage Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
I can't... even... imagine.... that kind of pain, you must be going through...

I'll be praying for you. :c
Dasher-Dart Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry this has happened to, Sahtori. You are strong and you've been through a lot. I really wish I could help. You a great artist, it doesn't matter what people say about you. :hug:
HeartlessHunter13 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist
Art-iRenia Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What N7NX say.
But i get so angry at you mother..ugh..people like that, they should have been slapped so hard that they will not do anything again. (much worse, but...not saying anything.)
Tho, i believe it would have been something if several of your friends here in DA actually visited you, and helped you a little to get going at least. If i was there, i would litterly have "attacked" your mother. ( My step dad is like that, and i do "attack" him at times. So i kinda understand how that is feeling. )

But, as you are still standing somehow, you are still strong. You want to do something about it, and that takes a lot to get that strength and keep going. So keep being strong =)
Sahtori-Kamaya Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
All my friends that visited my 'old' place
Janet, Dolphy, Alex, I can name a lot are all scared of my mother. They all stopped coming because I kept suporting what she was doing.

She tried to controle them too...
Art-iRenia Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow, that is awful when she tries that. But do they know that you have moved for yourself? They might come by sometime again, and actually help.
Sahtori-Kamaya Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
we kind of lost touch, cept Janet. I talk to her from time to time
Art-iRenia Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's good that you still have one you can talk to. One friend is better than nothing. :3
eliza1star Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm sorry about what's happening. :(

I really wish I could do something about this. <3
Sahtori-Kamaya Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I wish I could...
eliza1star Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student General Artist

N7NX Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student General Artist
Try asking a friend if you can stay with them for a while
Sahtori-Kamaya Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I am at one, the only one I know good. Katty.
I know other people in Belgium, but not that well and Kevin lives with his parents, I don't dare to ask but he asked his parents and they said no because they live to small...
N7NX Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student General Artist
Hmm....Please don't give up...
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Submitted on
November 29, 2012


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