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November 29, 2012
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Edit: I can't aford this monday's chemo therapy, they wont do another 'we'll get your payment later'
I feel like quiting chemo and just let it go... I feel very depressed.

End of stupid Edit


My body, soul, heart feels bad. Knowing a new beginning is waiting beyond my imagination...

But I get the one threat after the other of my mother. She pressed charges against me and reported me for earning money behind the goverments back. Meaning the donations. I told her they were for my chemo and showed her the evidence I have cancer.

She laughed at my face and said: 'You have no cancer, all you want is 'pitty'
I stood there like: ' ... '

My depression is fake, my problems are fake. "I said I have no mother anymore"
it went like : "me me me me me me me me me me" eventuelly... yesterday she demanded the key of the postbox NOW!
I texted her I was at the doctor and I could not do what she wants IMMEDIATLY.
She told me she'd leave me alone "forever"

I'm in a tough knot because of her. Tomorrow I have to go to check my psyciatric institution. Yes, I have to go 'through' it 'AGAIN' and EPSI is warned for my condition. Everyone seems to be scared I'd kill myself.

Mum threatened she'd put us in debt with it. I laughed at her with: 'Your pills are proven they don't kill you, just doze you off. 4 or maybe 5 doctors said it to you and us. We are not stupid, I on the other hand have the medication to do such action and I would not survive it...'
She laughed and went like: 'You think 'I' would pay for your funeral?'
I grinned and went like: 'Yes, you are the only 'parent' on my papers isn't it?'
Her smile vanished quickly. I know I wouldn't do something this stupid. I am not in 2008 anymore. Everyone calls me strong. I might be but when I get my downs I just 'sleep' through them. That's how I pass the 'death feeling'

I can't aford my next chemo coming 3rd of december. Infact I can't aford anything anymore. I'm working on a callender for sale for 2013 (those who believe that 21 december is just another JOKE) and of course the MLP - FIM Pony Auction. There will be ONE SET on E-Bay once it's finished. The Mane 6 and Derpy Hooves.

Taking 'livestream' commissions right now is hard. I have no place in the room I currently I'm at. It's a total mess... my 'treasurechest' is broken. It holds al my skethes from when I was very young till now and all the comic's I learned to draw from...
It's over 80 KILO'S so yeah the desk in that room is quite... Yeah...

I sleep on the floor still. I'm starting to get used to the cats, dog, hamster and ferret. I'm having less astma attacks.
Doctor put me on a heavy vitamin cure, because I misscarried, I leak a 'lil wich is very ... annoying... so I got this 'vitamin revitalation' booster and I have to practice my hips or how you call it.

Katty is leaving the 4th to UK for shopping trip and the next day to Tunesie to see Mikey, I wish I could join but I'm in deep debts now.

I don't DARE to ask for donations because of the attacks.
I think the ATTACK that's currently going on here is enough ATTACK I'm having currently.

I know I got a lot of friends, suport and love around me and I think of everyone everyday. I feel sad to hear when things are wrong with you guys. My doctor is now trying to 'push' me 'out' to live on my own...

But I have nothing, I'm NOT allowed to work. I got that said AGAIN to my face by few doctors. SO HOW am I going to be able to move on my own and go to psyciatric and chemo? That's not going to work...

I feel so broken inside of me. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that Katty is a really good woman.
I kind of cried when she said she'd go to Tunesia without me. Because I kind of need 'suport' but I just went like *pushes those tears back* 'you go girl, you go have fun with the man you love, I'd be a 5th wheel on a wagon anyway XD'
But inside I feel a little... or maybe a lot... 'Alone' ...

I never wanted to part with my mother like this... It hurts when she tells you she is sueing you...
While all I ever did was everything for her.

She plays victum...

I lost everything... I barely eat... What's the point of it? I barely drink and my throat hurts. What's the point...
I can't do chemo anymore, I can't do anything anymore... I don't know how to pay my bills that come in.

I hope the lady knows good advice, I really do... But I'm sure it wont be a miracle...

Well, you got your revenge mum. But I wont kill myself, I know you want me dead... I know you that you were planning to kill me. You said so to people, you'd kill me in my sleep, you didn't mind to go to jail for that, wasn't it?

I heard you talk... I heard it all...

Am I now a person with no 'mama' ?

Since I'm rejected by her as child, not allowed to visit, sued for money to suport her monthly...

Seriously is this what all kids/grown ups go through when they leave their parents?
Cuz' $h!t!

-_- Oh well, I'm sorry guys... I try as hard as I can.





-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me? - will be updated upcoming DECEMBER -
Ebay is the place - www.ebay.com/sch/sahtorikamaya…

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/goddessofth…

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> goddess-ofthe-night.tumblr.com…


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:iconkanadesonya:
Kanadesonya Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Your mother is f*cked up,no she isnt a mother not anymore sorry but the definition of mother is one that brought her child in the world in order to nurture it and to support the child throughout his/her life,i do not think your mother qualifies for even 1/3 of the qualities based upon this,i simply cannot comprehend on why a mother would wish her child's death and heck even think her child's illness is fake,makes me enraged,....and oh the things i would do if i was in your position,but remember you never asked for cancer and its sad how your mother never understood that
Reply
:iconryu890:
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
What an evil woman..... Does she have anything even coming close to common decency?
Reply
:iconstuffedbellylover:
stuffedbellylover Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
Karine,

please donīt let chemo slip from now on... You still have some things on your bucket list to do I guess... and quitting your chemo would be worst to do so... as it would be giving up. Iīd understood it if your doctors told you thereīs no hope anymore... then it might be the best solution to live the time left without the pain and side effects chemo has to offer... but you are on a roll recently!

Go to the docs on Monday and plea for a chemo... maybe they will think twice about not helping you...

In my opinion they have to help you regardless there is money or not!

Give it a try, Karine... they canīt do more than say "NO!"...

But how can we all support you, dear Karine? How much do you need for your chemo and where can we donate?

Please tell me!

I had planned to donate in January as I have some payments to do before but if you are so much in need I might chjange my opinion and just risk it.

So tell us how much you need please!

All the best and hugs,

Chris
Reply
:iconxxxtamdasexmonoxxx:
xXxtamdasexmonoxXx Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student General Artist
just hold on... everything will get better in due time... i promise... i'm still with you!
Reply
:iconsashikuchan:
SashikuChan Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Girl i wish I could just scoop you up and bring you into my world. My dad is a little bit like your mom, but fortunately I don't talk to him much. I live with my mom and she's a very kind woman. She had cancer as well and I took care of her through it, She is in remission now *5th year* and we're doing alright. If only I could just somehow magically bring you here to be free of your problems. You'd have all the support and love you'd ever need. :l I hate that It's not so easy. Life should be easier, you know?
Reply
:iconbleumune:
BleuMune Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Unfortunately with how the world is today, there will ALWAYS be someone trying to tear you down. It is better to face the naysayers head on and fight for yourself. Some say "Fight for what you believe in". Believe in yourself and fight. I've been suffering from depression myself for many years, and, if you ever feel like getting stuff off of your chest, I'm here. You can just send me a note, or I can send you one if you want.

BTW... I see that you mentioned that you had been leaking... Do you mean from your... er... Curves? I nursed my daughter for a time and to avoid leaking while at school. If you're still having trouble, maybe I could help? Or give you some suggestions?
Reply
:iconsombraluz-images:
Sombraluz-Images Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Professional General Artist
:iconsadhugplz:
Reply
:iconkaput6no:
kaput6no Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Digital Artist
Sweet Jesus, the world is fucked up, people are fucked up... I'm so sorry for you... compared to you I'm happy to have zero interaction with my family, at least it's a good way to avoid such a messed up situation.

Keep on fighting, girl.
Reply
:iconlily-death:
Lily-Death Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
think of a white horse falling in the mud. that always makes me laugh. when you're sad or depressed, just do something to make yourself laugh. i wish there was more i could do. but just hang in there hun :) :hug:
Reply
:iconpreciousmiseries:
PreciousMiseries Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Edit: dont give up dear dont let life/god/your mother/anyone keep you down. your strong so strong dont give up on you like so many others have. :C
Reply
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