I feel like quiting chemo and just let it go... I feel very depressed.
End of stupid Edit
My body, soul, heart feels bad. Knowing a new beginning is waiting beyond my imagination...
But I get the one threat after the other of my mother. She pressed charges against me and reported me for earning money behind the goverments back. Meaning the donations. I told her they were for my chemo and showed her the evidence I have cancer.
She laughed at my face and said: 'You have no cancer, all you want is 'pitty'
I stood there like: ' ... '
My depression is fake, my problems are fake. "I said I have no mother anymore"
it went like : "me me me me me me me me me me" eventuelly... yesterday she demanded the key of the postbox NOW!
I texted her I was at the doctor and I could not do what she wants IMMEDIATLY.
She told me she'd leave me alone "forever"
I'm in a tough knot because of her. Tomorrow I have to go to check my psyciatric institution. Yes, I have to go 'through' it 'AGAIN' and EPSI is warned for my condition. Everyone seems to be scared I'd kill myself.
Mum threatened she'd put us in debt with it. I laughed at her with: 'Your pills are proven they don't kill you, just doze you off. 4 or maybe 5 doctors said it to you and us. We are not stupid, I on the other hand have the medication to do such action and I would not survive it...'
She laughed and went like: 'You think 'I' would pay for your funeral?'
I grinned and went like: 'Yes, you are the only 'parent' on my papers isn't it?'
Her smile vanished quickly. I know I wouldn't do something this stupid. I am not in 2008 anymore. Everyone calls me strong. I might be but when I get my downs I just 'sleep' through them. That's how I pass the 'death feeling'
I can't aford my next chemo coming 3rd of december. Infact I can't aford anything anymore. I'm working on a callender for sale for 2013 (those who believe that 21 december is just another JOKE) and of course the MLP - FIM Pony Auction. There will be ONE SET on E-Bay once it's finished. The Mane 6 and Derpy Hooves.
Taking 'livestream' commissions right now is hard. I have no place in the room I currently I'm at. It's a total mess... my 'treasurechest' is broken. It holds al my skethes from when I was very young till now and all the comic's I learned to draw from...
It's over 80 KILO'S so yeah the desk in that room is quite... Yeah...
I sleep on the floor still. I'm starting to get used to the cats, dog, hamster and ferret. I'm having less astma attacks.
Doctor put me on a heavy vitamin cure, because I misscarried, I leak a 'lil wich is very ... annoying... so I got this 'vitamin revitalation' booster and I have to practice my hips or how you call it.
Katty is leaving the 4th to UK for shopping trip and the next day to Tunesie to see Mikey, I wish I could join but I'm in deep debts now.
I don't DARE to ask for donations because of the attacks.
I think the ATTACK that's currently going on here is enough ATTACK I'm having currently.
I know I got a lot of friends, suport and love around me and I think of everyone everyday. I feel sad to hear when things are wrong with you guys. My doctor is now trying to 'push' me 'out' to live on my own...
But I have nothing, I'm NOT allowed to work. I got that said AGAIN to my face by few doctors. SO HOW am I going to be able to move on my own and go to psyciatric and chemo? That's not going to work...
I feel so broken inside of me. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that Katty is a really good woman.
I kind of cried when she said she'd go to Tunesia without me. Because I kind of need 'suport' but I just went like *pushes those tears back* 'you go girl, you go have fun with the man you love, I'd be a 5th wheel on a wagon anyway XD'
But inside I feel a little... or maybe a lot... 'Alone' ...
I never wanted to part with my mother like this... It hurts when she tells you she is sueing you...
While all I ever did was everything for her.
She plays victum...
I lost everything... I barely eat... What's the point of it? I barely drink and my throat hurts. What's the point...
I can't do chemo anymore, I can't do anything anymore... I don't know how to pay my bills that come in.
I hope the lady knows good advice, I really do... But I'm sure it wont be a miracle...
Well, you got your revenge mum. But I wont kill myself, I know you want me dead... I know you that you were planning to kill me. You said so to people, you'd kill me in my sleep, you didn't mind to go to jail for that, wasn't it?
I heard you talk... I heard it all...
Am I now a person with no 'mama' ?
Since I'm rejected by her as child, not allowed to visit, sued for money to suport her monthly...
Seriously is this what all kids/grown ups go through when they leave their parents?
-_- Oh well, I'm sorry guys... I try as hard as I can.
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So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.
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