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Submitted on
November 15, 2012
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A sad ending...

Thu Nov 15, 2012, 5:30 PM
Well, this is going to be difficult to write about...

Normally I wanted to keep this at a certain amount of people...

Lets start at the beginning... I had a fling when I was in kusadasi, I've been single for over 7 years, meaning also 'pure' etc...

Someone liked me a lot over there and I have to thank this person a lot for showing that someone can still 'be attracted' to someone... like ... me...

I really opened up thanks to "Sam"... Of course we no longer see eachother...

We spend a few nights together of course I noticed after the first time .... no protection... -damage is done...-
Considering I have cervical cancer in it's early stage and it looks like it's healing well since everything is starting to work like it should be. I had a 'huge' stop for a long time... meaning the 'system' was shut down for a very 'long' time...

I had asked the doctors before if it's possible to get pregnant since they asked if I have a childeren's wish. I don't really have a childeren's wish, more of a 'I wish to help someone OUT to get a child so meantime I can expierence the feeling of 'what' it is.'
I had put for a long time a 'sign' to become a suragate mother for couples who can't have childeren untill I was discovered I was 'sick' but ... anywho...

All I get are medication's, removal of the womb isn't nececary but as Doc. De Keyser said a few months ago, 'Congratulations you are ovulating again'(meaning I'm 'HEALING' - I'm starting to wonder if the english term of what I have is right but when I put it google translater - this is what I get)

I didn't took serious with 'how' he said it...

So yeah, my fling with Sam was short but left a 'present'.
Days I had pain a huge amount of pain. My blood was taken. Before the weekend...
Saterday at my first 'Brony (Mini) con' I was at the Mc Donalds with other Bronies and I felt this 'leakage' I went to the ladies room and noticed 'bloody/water' just thinking: 'Hmm, I'm not going to spoil the mood it's fun right now...' (but the pain was intense; in meantime I'm still leaking flued...)

So of course monday I went to the doctor and of course I got the news at wednesday I "was" 'pregnant'

I remember having that thought earlier cause I did a pregnancy test, they gave this 'special' one. I asked if it's possible to see after 10 days. 'Yeah, no problem, no problem at all' this guy said.

I did the test but it didn't said positive or negative neither the other option. When I returned 10 min later it showed softly 'positive'
I think this story is to 'weird' to make up but I kept playing 'Celine Dion - Fly' asking 'it' to go... Cause I'm not good enough to put a child on the world...

I knew in my heart that 'IF' I were pregnant, this child would not survive. I have Chemo, I have heavy medication... I have a very stressful live...

So I kept saying: 'If you are here, 'Fly' please fly, my little wing...'
So saterday I had the leakage, I called to the cellphone of my doctor when I got home after the brony meeting who said: 'Take blood monday'

I lost a little life inside of me. A little miracle...

I knew immediatly when I heard the news that this is for the best.
I kept thinking, 'my mother would find another reason to keep 'me' and the child 'here'' ... ' I wouldn't be a good mother...' a lot went through my mind...

My doctor listened to every word I said and reasoned with: 'It would not have survived anyway, not even if you stopped all your treatments all your medication since everything is in your blood. If you are considering to get pregnant, you are healing fine from the cervical cancer, it seems almost gone, but we need to test you for the next 6 years if it's surely gone. But if you are considering a child, we need you first to be healthy and then wait a year to get all the medication out of your system'

So I was listning but I kept beeing vague. I kept this to myself.

My doctor said that 'if' the system works, 'I'm healing'

I lost 1.7 cm meantime at my tumor for spending time with dolphins and a warmer area.

I feel better, stronger but still unsure of the future.

Since yesterday (wednesday back then) when I heard the news...
I feel in a daze, ...
Everything is checked for illnesses, I got nothing from Sam. Which is good... Butl like I said, what was 'here' inside me for such a small 'time' makes me really ... I don't know this feeling...

I'm sad and content at the same time. Knowing I'm healing... I'm written OFF the list for 'Terminal' thanks to 'dolphin therapy' and this is special. If no change would have come by end THIS month, we would have given up since I do not have the funding anymore... (I need to save up for the continueing chemo's and right now I have almost to 'nothing')

The doctors look at this as 'a miracle' "you are healing, showing this means your body is getting stronger, your mind is getting stronger, you are going to get there"

But when they say that. It seems those words 'bounce' to a shield that's around me...
I am glad... for this news... but ... sad ...

I'm glad that I'm going to move, I'm glad ... for friends like all of you...
I'm so happy but why does my 'little wing' that I lost make me feel so sad. I asked a friend that's into spirits and such. She told me that "she's" around me. My little wing...

Am I doing it wrong by thinking about this? Should I move on about this, and HOW should I move on about this...

...

I know my little miracle would NEVER survived... I know that... I understand

I'm so ashamed about the fact I had even a fling since I close myself off for love. But meeting Katty made me feel different. Katty is my neighbur. Who longs for adventure exitment. She and Mikey made me meet Sam. A guy who's really special. But I didn't fell in love. I felt special that someone liked 'someone' like me in such a way that you just want to be in his arms and it felt 'right'. It felt right what I did, opening to someone instead of 'shouting' them away.

I haven't told Sam yet about this, I don't know if I should. People tell me not too and also I cut ties with Sam... It was just an adventure... A lesson
I love someone from the bottem of my heart but I know I'll never BE with him. When I was in Sam's arms, ... I just thought how it would be if it would be 'him' holding me.

Later when I got back in the plane... I thought, 'It's time to 'move' on, don't stay in the past, don't get on your knees for a guy who doesn't know what the meaning of 'true' love is.

My mother of course had to ruin it again. 'Every guy who wants S E X can get it U P.'
Katty screamed at my mother with: 'You're daughter has it hard to open up to others this is what she needed.'

Speaking of 'her' she wrote me a 'goodbye' sms that I had to call the cops. The cops were looking all over Deurne while she just slept in the bed of my granpa. The cops and I were steaming mad.
I asked if it's possible to take her into psyciatric place but appearently, 'if she doesn't want it' it's not possible (someone has to explain when they did it with me...'

Well, lets hope 'auntie red' visits by monday or I need a courtage and I'm broke like hell... I got nothing LEFT anymore. Shay helped me to cover the chemo of the 5th and this upcoming monday... But I got nothing anymore...

I need to find a way to find my new home... I need money for tickets, I need money to move my stuff, I need money to get my ferret ready for such a big move...

But with all I went through the past months I don't dare to ask anymore. I don't dare to do anything anymore...

I got this: 'Fuck it' attitude but I'm still scared of how people respond...
Like I wrote at the top: 'This is to weird to believe it, I can't seem to 'take' this inside me to let it sink in and start to process it'

I'm sorry I'm not active for the moment online. REAL LIFE *points up* is right now taking all my attention... I do not mean to do this on purpose... I'm sorry if you feel neglected, I will get back to anyone here. I know a few don't want to talk to me anymore and have nothing to do with me, you know who you are, I can't force you, I wont either, just do what you think is right even if you think right now the worst of me. It's your mind, I'm not going to change it...

All I know is, I'm sorry.

I explained my situation... I hope it's enough...

I don't know how to 'cope' with this. You all say I'm strong but right now I feel 'broken' ... 'empty'
I'm ... I don't know what I am and how I feel right now. It's a mixture of emotions that make this one emotion I don't know it's name of.

Sadness, confusing, pride, ...

I'm sorry for the confusing journal, but this is how I feel...

But, to my 'little wing' ... Fly, untill we meet again...
Thanks for showing the doctors and me and all who reads this that there is hope for the future... I wish I could have given you a 'meaning' in life... But it seems the Gods had other plans... Maybe this was your 'meaning' for the little time you was inside of me... I love you even if I'll never be able to hold you to touch you to hear you... to see you....

But thank you... I know you wont read this, but I just want ...
I love you... fly little wing, fly were only Angels sing, fly away the time is right, go now... find the light...

-K



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:iconxpolyesterpantsx:
XPolyesterPantsX Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
So sad that that happened to u. I want you to hang in there for all of us!! Because we all care about you!!
Reply
:iconxxxtamdasexmonoxxx:
xXxtamdasexmonoxXx Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm so sorry about the baby you lost, stay strong, okay? all of my prayers out to you! hugs and kisses xoxoxoxoxo
Reply
:iconthatnerdyowl56:
thatnerdyowl56 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your Little Wing is in God's hands now. He will keep the baby safe, in His love in heaven, until you are healthy and fit for him or her. Trust in that, and your Little Wing will see you again. :hug::heart:
Reply
:iconfoxen1985:
foxen1985 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student General Artist
This may sound a bit blunt... but you NEED a REAL MOTHER! One who loves you no matter what and one who doesnt give you all that crule stuff you do not deserve. A real mother is kind, loving, nurturing and is always there to guide her daughter... blood related or not... through all your situations like this..And mothers can help to fix that broken feeling of yours.. they will do everything they can to heal it .. And I do apoligise for saying this.. but your real mom.. does not sound like a mother *shakes head* and everything you go through on here.. especially loosing your little wing.. just breaks my heart *hugs tight* For you, I'm always praying for an always better future for you :heart:
Reply
:iconsombraluz-images:
Sombraluz-Images Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Professional General Artist
It's normal to feel grief losing your little wing. You were still her mother and you two were connected to each other, even if just for a moment.

I'm glad you are being healed and God is showing you with Him nothing is impossible! Your child will be waiting with Him. Move forward in hope with your life knowing that we love and support you. And most importantly that God loves you and supports you. You're always in my prayers. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconnektarios-cat:
Nektarios-Cat Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:

~Be strong~
Reply
:iconxxxthemoongoddessxxx:
xXxTheMoonGoddessxXx Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Storms and trials...we've all had those. Things will get better eventually. Life has it's good or bad days. We never know on how just a day will turn out. I'm hoping that your child will survive.<3 I know on that they said it wouldn't but a miracle could come your way.:heart:
Reply
:iconheatheru:
Heatheru Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
I believe in my heart, like your friend, that "little wing" will be with you forever, and you're right about ...everything. You are so strong! I hope that sharing all of this helps you sort out your feelings. I think moving away will be a good thing. I know we haven't talked in forever, but I just wanted to let you know that I still think of you and want the best for you. I am truly glad that you were able to experience what little you did of motherhood...even if it was just a glimpse, that you are healing and I'm amazed at your strength... You have every right to be sad, too! I know I would be. So just...so many hugs, and don't doubt yourself, you are capable of great things and I am one of the many people that believe in you.
Reply
:iconstuffedbellylover:
stuffedbellylover Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Hey Karine!

Sounds like you are unfortunately going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now... On one side your tumor is on retreat which is great but on the other side youīve had that miscariage...

As a man I will never find out what itīs like to use a child that way... but I can understand that you are shattered right now.

Maybe the only reason for all that happened lately was that you will regain some hope to fight on!

And that people say you canīt even take care of yourself is not true... You are not responisble for your cancer or else... and you are going to cut bonds with your mom, so you are on a good way out of it!

Of course it will take some time to overcome your loss but please donīt loose your hope! Maybe it was just not the right time yet... Iīm sure youīd be a great mom as you learnt how a mom should not be like! And I have no doubts you are a great and loving person!

Forget about all the negative things people talk about you... this people only want to disattract others from their very own faults by blaming others...

You are such a lovable person and as soon as you are away from your momīs influence you will blossom like a flower in spring and find a lot more friends and love than you have now!

Keep beleiving in yourself and show all the people yelling at you what Karine Coenen is all about!

All the very best, big hugs and a lot of power to turn the siutation the best way possible,

Chris
Reply
:iconpony-who-waited:
Pony-who-waited Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I hope you'r okay

I know you said people might not read this

but i read you'r journals , i worry for you i wish i was there to help you.

I may not know you that much but im glad you are healing c:
you are a very special person
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