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Merry Christmas, yadda yadda - hope you had NICE food and NICE drink and A NICE FAMILY - I didn't had anything of that - just spend the entire night sobbing - hoping someone of my family would text me...
No, all alone crying

So, I'm in deep troubles, you know that b!tch that kind of 'ruined' my self-esteem has left a big bill that 'I' have to pay because I was registered on that address, not only that, my medical bill from staying over 2 weeks - surgeries, getting blood - echo's etc etc ...

So, 'Carrie Phox' the fennec character I've used from 2001 until around 2009 is for sale.
Now I had the question: 'Carrie Phox' = 'Sahtori Kamaya'?

No, umm they aren't, I shut down all my accounts and one of the journals on the 'Pahefimtjaat' account said: 'I'm done with 'Carrie Phox.'
for 'many reasons' 

Now she was quite a 'popular' character - why, I don't know, I really don't know, all I remember was - 'post art of her - lots of comments and fav's' post other art: '...*sound of a cricket* ...'

So, this character is for SALE - if my back 'permits' it - she'll have an updated REF - meaning, she'll look the same - just in my 'current' style - better anatomy ... You know what I mean? I sucked years ago when I look at her 'HUGE' head, tiny neck, tiny body ... broken ... arms ... legs ...

So, I'm going to post her for 'SALE' 

She doesn't come cheap - I registered her under a company to 'copyright' her. The papers are still legal and the 'version' before her that is still in special papers - so she would not be stolen - 

This was in the time that we would fight each other when someone copied someone's marking or style - now you just go to the movies and see a lot of resemblance of your own chara's in movie's that you go like: ' ... I think I should not have posted my story online ... '
So, basically, you are f***ed anyhow - copyrighted or not ... Even if you copyright a movie - people WILL steal it and claim it as their OWN. Nothing you can do about it ...
But hence, Carrie got her 'special procedure' - so she wont come cheap ...

Ummm, I probably have to pay around 4000 euro's since they can't locate 'Katty' - whom suddenly disepeared - although I already tracked her with her IP address and I'm going to put that before the cops if they come to my door to tell me this news ...
I already had a call of 'Egli' saying: 'You are going to turn for those costs...'
Not only that my medical bill will be very high - if my dad didn't pay my ticket to the US - I would not go ...
I have to return (I get a lot of comments of 'STAY' in the US) I need medical attention right now, so I have no choice, plus, my ferret ...

I'm not going to ask thousands of euro's for Carrie Phox, totally not, but something that would help me - so if you are interested - keep tuned - for the update to sell 'Carrie Phox' 

Meantime, I'll be fine with my liquid food and I'll just ... meh ...
Thank you XD-385 for a year of subscription on dA, I did not expect that - so thank you so-much :heart:

Also, the question, I'll reply quickly to it: 'The commissions' 
as you have seen, I'm not taking new ones, I'm working on commissions - I kind of switched a few characters ... (seriously ... ) it wasn't funny when one of my clients went: ' Ummm ... '
I'm tired, mostly in a lot of pain ... weak and my self-esteem has gone rock-bottom in just a few days ... I don't know why I remember the 'negative' critique instead of the 'positive' - could be, because a lot was promised in the past from major companies ... and in the end ... I'm not good enough ...

So, whatever - whatever ... I am who I am - I should learn to be more happy about what I STILL can do ... 

So ... Umm ... I've haven't been on dA and most other art communities for over 2 weeks now  ...

I collapsed pretty badly, I got for 3 days on a row with almost 41C° fever - it got up - down - up - down ... 
I remember collapsing in the arms of a nurse - in a shower ... 

I spent days in this daze of: 'Where am I? Is this is? Is this the end?' 
They found a virus in my body and it took a long time to get rid off - plus the preforming surgeries they decided to do and the blood loss that came from it ... So I was often in a different plane of existence - I didn't care what was going on - I only asked Gojira to say 'I'm gone' - nothing to special - It wasn't much of a deal, I guess - Now I had a small surgery and I already had echo's to see and of course next week and the week after I need to take again echo's before I leave to Fort Myers, Orlando to see my father - of course you all realize with the medical procedure - I can't stay longer than I am allowed to be with my father and stepmother. 

I had days that I slept over 20 hours - I saw things that were to realistic to be a dream - I remember days that I woke up and it was dark - I would look at my cellphone and it was 7 AM in the morning - thinking I could sleep a bit more - I would wake up around 5 PM to see that it was still dark and thinking: 'Ah, I can still sleep some more.'

It was a very weak moment - I had to much going on - weak blood-cells - Virus - cervical cancer and my tumor 
The tumor doesn't seem active thanks to my medications, that is good...
But I had so much pain when I got there, I think I even screamed during my passing out - I seriously thought: 'The end is there, it's painful but I'm there ...' I was on intensive care and I barely remember anything that happened around me - I can't remember the ambulance, I can't remember getting in the hospital - I remember a slap on my face (not a hard one) and people shouting my name.

I didn't want to make any one worried about me - but I'm just so tired - It's right now 'difficult' to accept that I NO longer am the strong girl from the past - past is past - keep it there, I remember talking in my dreams to people - seeing people and one dream that I felt for the first time ever: 'Beautiful' no darkness, no pain. It was like my body was made of the cosmos and shining while holding my friends hand, who was shining brighter than a shooting star - she was helping me to stay on both of my feet - I do remember looking at a creature and then fly off with my friend and I could see this beautiful cloak around me - dark but so full of stars. 

I think I've never had a dream with so much detail and especially seeing the Galaxy in your clothing - I felt happy in that dream - 
So, for odd reasons they couldn't wake me up on the times when I needed to be awake, once my condition was softly getting better.
I had meals especially prepared - it had no use - I kept falling back and sleep immediately - I didn't had any desire to check my phone, facebook and whenever I did it would not stop making sounds - I had one message after the other and I immediately just shut it all off... 

I felt I couldn't handle it anymore - and I still can't ...

Everything is right now to much - When I have energy it's all fine with me and I'll use it - but those energy bursts last around 30 to 2 hours? If I'm lucky.

I got home (yesterday now) this morning and it took me over 5 hours to write this journal - I did a doodle - you've seen the upload - my roommate downloaded 'Frozen' and I looked at it - then had an energy burst and then after a few hours I got K.O'd - I rested a bit and now I'm finishing this journal ...

Please, bare with me - I don't know, these are signs that I'm not doing well - as I said, I thought it was 'over' that it was 'done' and I remember feeling: 'Take me, do it, let me go ...' 

My doctors advised me: 'Listen to your body, please ...' So I will try my hardest - I don't know if it will become 'quiet' like that again how you'll be able to contact me ... 

I'm starting to feel 'acceptance' of 'my condition' and no longer I feel the desire to fight against it ...
I'll get a bill that will make me feel even more worse and their is this time no way I can get out of this - I called today to get a VISA - I'll know in 8 days if it will be accepted - because I don't know how to get 'out' of this situation ... 

It will be my first Christmas spending without any family - the memories of everything that has happened - of course it's normal that I need to process this - I've never felt as bad as I am now - even though I try to stay optemestic - sometimes I wonder that life is just mocking me - seriously ...

Ok, I think I've catch up almost 'half' ... almost ...

I'll be selling 'Carrie Phox' soon - I'm going to give away her OFFICIAL papers of copyright and I make a 'new reference' of the style I draw in now... Would anyone be interested in this old gall? Please let me know ... 
Old.Art_GotN 6 by Sahtori-Kamaya

Thanks for reading - if I don't post a new journal - Merry Krismas for all of you guys 

- SK

Things aren't looking up - I really need help with my place, I feel to tired to clean up, to tired to make food, I rather stay in bed because I'm feeling very weak - I put on the computer to draw but after 30 + min - my eyes start to tear - even wen I'm wearing glasses that are darker and specially for the computer.

I'm just plain exhausted - The new cancer they found is giving me a lot of mood troubles - I can turn 'hyper' from one moment and the other moment I'll curse your great great great grandparents - A rage - I've never felt before... Never ...

It seems that I could turn around instead of chemo to medication and a small surgery 
But of course - partly is covered and the rest - i can't afford. 

So, I'm selling adoptables - just so no one can get angry and pi$$y at me for 'donations' 
Because I'm not asking donations... I'm not strong enough - plus living in a student dorm is all I could afford - I share my kitchen (is ok) bathroom (is ok - keep it clean though) toilet (little embarrassed) sharing the refrigerator (is not ok, don't touch my food)

i realize I'm not cut out for any of this 'living' and the more my health is going down - the more the voices in my head are returning with: 'Just kill yourself, you aren't worth living, you are just a horrible person, you are bad, you belong dead - do the world a favor and die!'

I don't know what to do - I got Myriam (my mother) off this 'move-back-to-me-bizz' but it's a lot of trouble - I'm not myself anymore - friends of mine dropped me - because I said a few years ago: 'IF I DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I have 2 years left'

An ex-friend said, together with others: 'It's been two years, why aren't you dead?'

No one, but no one can help me in this situation - but myself, I can tell with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome it's difficult to help myself - I'm glad when one of my room mates (whom don't know my situation - since they come and go) offers me a bowl of soup.
They hear me cough, they hear me wheeze, they see my body shaking especially my hands - I'm not that person anymore that I used to be, fun - kind and spontaneous... I guess I already the inside of me died, ...

I wish I could talk about my life without vomiting with the thought of the way I've been grown up - I grew up believing no one would fall in love with me, that I would be lonely forever... I tried to empty myself so I would feel nothing... Doctors are trying to make me return feeling something - but all I feel are pain, the power of a disgusting past that can't be erased. 

I have to take medication to think of 'nothing' so my personality was destroyed during the time when I was still happy - ... mostly by the cruelty by the people whom used to call me - friend - ...

I'm tired of people calling me an inspiration - what's so inspiring about me? What? Nothing was special about me - look at me ... All that's left about me is just a big 'nothing' - if I would die now, I would be forgotten in a few weeks... 
I mean nothing - unless their is something people can use about me...

It's hard to say: 'They were wrong...' it's harder than believing - even though I'm still here - I'm fighting cancer, but why? Do I want to live? Do I want to keep on fighting to live?

I can't afford 'living' and that's something I concluded after so much thinking - I'm one of those people - whom truley don't deserve to be here... 

I'll always be like this - dead - inside - 

It's so hard that all of this started more than a year ago, between Katty and Myriam...

It's hard to blame - it's hard too, ... when I read what my mother wrote - I was supposed to be aborted... Their are days I look and think, 'Why didn't you?'
Then later to hear from my aunt on my fathers side: 'She had to keep a man that had money, linked to her.'
My older brother was aborted too - Why, why do they still mention those cruel things - I wish I could just end it - but even so - I'm a coward... *sighs* I wont make it this time - why - I'm not asking for help - for donations - because face it, ... I'm not worth any help...

Livestream Questions and Answers while working on ... many things... 

One moment!!!

Sun Nov 17, 2013, 4:39 AM

I'm working on a website that has to be finished by monday evening - because the client has a convention that starts this Wednesday - it's a ferret website.

Ummm, yeah - I worked 13 hours straight with no food, not getting up - 'cause of over hundreds of pictures that I have to edit to make it beautiful and professional - however, I'm not professional and I could use help with the 'Over the Rainbow' page. 
I need TEXT and the picture right next to it 
then next picture and text - it's for ferrets that passed away. 

So, one moment - I'm starting ASAP 
But this person is waiting from March - but I lost then afterwards my computer... So I had to RESTART - I can tell you, you are not in the mood to restart
So the page was fixed by a friend of mine - but - not like how I wanted it... Not like how I wanted to present it to my client.

So yesterday I took a big breather and worked 13 hours straight on only the DESIGN of the website. 
Pictures of the 'female' ferrets are on it. Now I'm working on the Males and the Pups. 
Those are the last pictures. 

But, the 'Over the Rainbow' page is giving me troubles... 

Yeah, I have a few clients asking for websites - ... someone already asked to to theirs as well, but I'm to tired to focus on coding... 
I'm not good at flash, I can tell you that...

So yeah, *cough* 

Give me a moment, I'll be back ASAP

Plus NEW comic pages and the return on working of commissions - this had priority for a moment... Even before my health... XD

This person took care of Madoka and raised Akemi... The least I can do is that...
Even though, Madoka can never come back home... Because she's used to living at my client... Funny event is that Madoka's best friend 'Bizou' is her sister. Both same age - come from 'Appeldoorn' - It was a difficult moment for me to say: 'Let them stay together...' 
So yeah, Bizou and Madoka stay together at my clients place. 

While I have Akemi with me... *rubs eyes* I think I need to wear glasses for the last batch...


Sun Nov 10, 2013, 5:49 AM

Sahtori is testing the lineart of Bi-Ancha - would you like to watch along? :D

Blood loss...

Tue Nov 5, 2013, 6:33 PM

I'm sorry for not responding much the past few days - I replied all my notes and it looks like - I get a lot of new notes back asking for a commission
*sighs relieved* I'll reply, I'll reply

I just had a enormous blood loss, 2nd time in less than a week.
Tomorrow I'll be tested but they are sure I have cervical cancer - The first time I showed symptoms it was easy for them - but it looks like they didn't do their job right...

Scans show a lot of spots - my blood shows that my white blood-cells are weak.

I'm not getting deeper in this - I don't want 'drama' over my head. I need rest from all this and if people think I'm lying - so be it, I'm done saying and defending myself.

The tears and the pain in my heart is nothing compared to someone who says behind my back 'lies' that others 'believe'

What hurts me the most is that I'm tired of being weak - I'm tired of being 'me' - the pain is intense around my womb area - it makes me collapse...
I wake up with so much pain that I can't get up.

Somewhere, I don't want to get scans anymore - they scanned the tumor - nothing abnormal - I just don't feel like going anymore.
I feel like, how hard I fight, how hard I try - all those people who are 'bad' to others, animals, children, people, they deserve the good life.

Maybe I'm making myself sound 'Amazing' - but I think and ... I think I'm right, I'm a good person ... It's not "Amazing" but I helped...

I helped for years other people 'till I got into this void - and I can't get out.
It's climbing Mount Everest if you are in this situation.

It goes deep if you are not willing to eat anymore. Very deep - I'm calling off my appointments one by one...
I need surgery's, can't afford them - I'm not asking for help...

I know those who read are good people who have stood by me for such a long time... But I know some think: 'You deserve it - I hate you.'
Fine, hate me... I don't care.

I'm not asking help - I don't deserve kindness...

I'll work this week on commissions the moment I can get back up - like I said - I had a huge blood loss... I refused to stay in the hospital... Simply I don't have insurance - I do belong in a healthcare program - it's not much, but a percentage is paid back - Belgians know what I mean. To me, it's not much.
Take I have to pay at least 4/5th of treatments. 1/5th the healthcare pays back. It's not much.
So I hope that will respond a question that I have received in comments and notes.

And family? My family in Belgium doesn't care, as long I pay them - do you think they offer me food? Do you think they come to my room to see how I'm doing? No - No one does... I'm not asking for it either... All I'm asking is peace...

My father in America has paid my ticket to visit the USA in January the 15th till February the 13th - they paid with Air Miles 107$ going back and forth from Brussel to America... That's something - that's something alright... So they are the only ones of the family that care.

I want to cry - but I think I humiliated myself enough on sites...

- S

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

It's one of 'those' days

Mon Oct 28, 2013, 12:01 PM

As I'm working on several commissions - Two more from last year and the rest is all 'now' - so I guess I did a good job...
But the more and more I'm working - trying to live - the more I feel - exhausted. 
Most of you know I have CFS (Chronicle Fatigue Syndrome) - my doctor told me - whenever I feel that 'battery' is going 'out' - I need to rest. On top the tumor... 

So the today and the past few days, I felt like crying. 

I don't know what to do - I don't know if USA is a good solution - because of my health - my father is getting older too - maybe everything is to late - maybe I'm in denial because I reached the point that I look back on my life and I have achieved - nothing - and that makes me so tired...

I have to close my eyes - so I won't think of it... How hard we all wish - we can't become children anymore - with no responsibilities - just listen to mum and dad and get good grades. How I long for that life.

I'm working so hard - that my body is on the verge of collapsing - ... I don't care anymore - I can't afford the therapy's for my tumor - medication - does it matter? 
My body is destroying itself...

I think I better go off resting now... I uploaded a sketch - I'm working on commissions - but right now I need rest. 

I'm doing the best I can - I'm sorry I'm such a whiny 80 year old sounding person - those who don't understand - don't understand what depression is... 
I know I'm a horrible person... I know I belong no where... I'm tired of this feeling that want to be 'out' - ... I can't deal with it anymore... ;-;

I'm off - don't worry - I'm just resting - I'm also working on commissions - it's just ... 
It's just one of those days -  I guess...

- S

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

- American Beauty


Sat Oct 19, 2013, 9:41 PM

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

- American Beauty

Lets see...

Fri Oct 18, 2013, 3:37 PM

I should be almost finished with the commissions- besides of a friend of mine who has ordered a lot. But I can do it on my own pace.

I was wondering... Am I not good enough anymore? Despite I try really hard?

Since I put the commission pricelist on - I'm not getting much comments anymore and it's kind of ... shocking - am I that bad?

Time to let go...

Wed Oct 16, 2013, 2:09 PM

*big relieved sigh* ...

Thinking to quit after I finished all the commissions as a freelancer - having Chronicle Fatigue Syndrome; cancer and post traumatic stress disorder is making me very negative about my own artwork - myself  and the people surrounded at me...

I wish I wasn't such a whiny b!tch. I wish I was stronger and more graceful than I am now...

I'll do my best - I wanted to come up with a comic - but I have no strength anymore to work on it on my own... I've been rejected to much...

I bother why I'm still here... Frankly


Just quit it - really.

Fri Oct 11, 2013, 6:35 AM

I don't know whom and I don't want to know 'who' 

I'm kind of tired of people STILL talking behind my back about my condition. I think I haven't mentioned much anymore about it in my previous journals - why, because of what happened months ago, yes, there was a donation drive - everyone got paid back.

Think about it, If I were a FRAUD, I would not have acted that way. I would have for example 'VANISHED' like others have done on dA, FA etc...
I'm on the net since 2001 on dA, my problems came many years after I was on dA and Sheezyart. I can look up on SheezyArt my old journals how much I complained about my mother and brother. That's it... No asking money... Nothing...

Then I vanished for a while on the net, not only because on the net was bad - but RL was going worse, I left my mother, I got abused by Katty and Steve where I was looking for comfort after YEARS of abusement, 
I had to RAN off to the USA - where I showed papers to both my father and step-mother about my condition.

My step-mum is a doctor. Ok, she asked a lot of questions, saw my medications that I have to take daily - weekly.
she knows, she looked up the medications I take.

Ever this fiasco started, my note-box here and on fA, exploded and frankly I've had enough of the questions if I'm a 'fraud' or 'real'

If people keep being like this behind my back - I must be a very interesting person, isn't it?

How my health NOW is doing, is no one's business unless you have FACEBOOK and you are on my SPECIAL list. Not only got I betrayed by my EX-BEST FRIEND with altering accounts so that person could not be identified but the thing is IP-TRACING proved WHERE that person was from and I knew that moment who this person was and it broke my heart...

I'd really would like to ask to 'stop' it.
I'm tired of those questions: 'Are you dead? It's been two years!? Something isn't right.'

Ah, so I see, I had help from friends and people kind enough to me to go through procedures, I was in LILLE - I had therapy.
For now the tumor, I'll repeat it again - seems stabilized. I'm going to write: 'SEEMS' I had treatment which has EXTENDED my life - TREATMENT - READ GOOD - TREATMENT
Going to the USA did me very good, I was in Fort Myers with my family, Dad, Step-Mum, Aunt, Uncle and a cousin.
All supported me and gave me a lot of love. 
When back in Belgium for scans, they noticed the tumor had shrunk a bit - and it stayed that way for months. Is this enough INFORMATION?

I'm not telling anymore in public, wtf is going on with me. I'm not asking DONATIONS, I'm not ASKING for PITY, I'm not asking for anything - Just if you want to be a bully on the internet, do it somewhere else, if you are a bully on the net, it means you must have a pathetic, sad life in RL and I feel sorry for people like that.

They must suffer in RL to VENT it out on someone else on the NET.
So, I feel sorry for those people. 

But I'd like to stay from after what I now typed, LEFT alone about this subject. If you feel like you have doubts, talk to me in person and don't go bashing behind my back to people who still believe and support me in their own way - with words.

I know the question: 'How do you afford it, then?' is coming up. 

Simple, find my other account, that's doing a lot of adult art. Try to find it... Really... I'm sure you wont.

I have CFS - Chronicle Fatigue Syndrome and it will get worse - I've been told by my doctor - there's nothing we can do about it - My house-doctor told me in 2004 I had symptoms of it and now in 2013 it's finally confirmed. 
You want to know, why I get sick? Because I'm learned by my grandmother not to show my emotions, my tears were fake, my laugh was fake and you know something...
I live with a MASK before my face. I'm kind to everyone even if I dislike you in any way, I'll still be kind because I want to treat people like how I Want to be treated. But I'm afraid not everyone thinks like me... I must be a complete dumbass.
Every time, someone harms me, I don't show emotions about it, I just get sick and sleep - sleep to get away from this world... 

This is how I deal with $h!t ever since I was a kid, ... 
I'm sure a few are going: 'Oh she's trying to get pity out of us.'
Yeah, go ahead, think like that about me. I don't give a fudge anymore... 

I'm in a phase that I'm to tired - in grieving - troubles - I feel like giving up...

now the last thing I'll write about this matter: 'Since I can't afford - I repeat, I can't afford, living on my own - taking care of myself, not able to pay for my surgeries, injections - I'll be living BACK with my mother. Back to being USED to.'

Hope, who-ever is contacting my -clients- -friends- is happy with what is going on. I hope 'this' is what you wanted.
Enjoy. Good job.

And this is the last time I write about my health conditions... 

Thanks for reading

- K

To this day...

Wed Oct 2, 2013, 8:55 AM

When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it

not really a big deal

one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body

I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I'd get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn't have been

a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the principal's office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty good
I told her "whenever I'm sad
my grandmother gives me karate chops"

this led to a full scale investigation
and I was removed from the house for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises

news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I earned my first nickname

pork chop

to this day
I hate pork chops

I'm not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we'd be lonely forever
that we'd never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there's no way for it to metastasize

it does

she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
outside we'd have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of dog

to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn't think she's beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn't quite get the job done
and they'll never understand
that she's raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
that she's only ever always been amazing

was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him "get over it" as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit

to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it's about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can't understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity

we weren't the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

but I want to tell them
that all of this ...
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there's something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they were wrong"
because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don't worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me

of course
they did

but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.

Woohoo SundayStream!

Sat Sep 21, 2013, 10:40 AM

It's sunday! Join me for a stream! :D ;)

I had over 100 almost 200 notes in my dA -mostly I've been inactive and the other part you know - SICK -

Now, I got a lot of problems, I'm sure you are all aware of that - 
So, I'm opening commissions and I'm making a sheet. 

For now, I open only 1 commission at the time


'I'm forgetful.'
'I get sick suddenly and forget (again) and disappoint people - and that's not what I want.
'I have along other syndromes: "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" - reasons WHY I'm inactive suddenly for long periods of time. I need rest and I can sleep for days on a row, I'm not kidding you here, I'm struggling with it since 2006 and still going. It means when I put effort in 'work' I get easy tired out and it takes me over 4 days to recover and sometimes weeks. Going to the supermarket is for me a 'hell' because I'm to tired and way to weak. That's why 1 commission at a time.'
'Did I mention I'm forgetful?'

I lost my map during 'moving' it all happened to fast, so I lost a few clients, their names and their commissions, not to mention some were finished and my drive was crashed.

So, I went through a lot of notes and it's horrible for me that I can't remember and that I didn't gave a 'swift' and 'fast' reply, since I'm not all the time on dA, FA, Inkbunny - whatever the case. You can contact me more on FaceBook the link is at the left - because it's connected to my phone, I forget less if you use that option.
Because it 'beeps' and wakes me up. 

So, all I can do right now are 'sketch commissions'

I'm not going to 'enter' digital right now - I'm afraid to make mistakes - and I'm still recovering from 'a lot' of things that happened recently (Ferret-loss, new syndrom RLS and the return of the tumor)

So far I don't need to get to worried about my leg, I got medication and we'd look how that would turn out.
The tumor however, I need to be in observation for over 2 weeks, treatment and everything included - but I can't afford it. 

I'm living on 'pocket fruit' as food or 'nothing' at all. 
When a Belgium friend invites me, then most of the time they invite me to dinner and I'm very thankful for that. But the worst part is that I get sick afterwards, my stomach doesn't want to cooperate with me - for years now - but it's now getting worse - because of the medication - so I take a lot of Omneprazole to up to 120 MG. That's bad, trust me. 

So - without further 'whining' of myself.

I want 
1. If I owe you, contact me - please on FaceBook - I can see those messages better. 
2. Be patient, it will come to you - 'LAW OF ATTRACTION' If you want it - you must believe in it ;)
3. Don't use 'difficult' words. My english is 'Standard' I've noticed that the past few weeks.
4. IF you have a commission - REMIND me in a soft/gentle matter - I don't want to stress myself out - thinking the client is horribly upset with me. It makes me want to crawl back into bed and not move for many days - So please BE GENTLE. 
5. Sit back and relax.

LiveStream one of the many questions I got in my notes.

I'm not going to promise - but I will go back to sketching busts - online in a 'hopefully' not so far away future...
But I will Livestream soon - Don't forget - I live in a student house - So it's difficult sometimes for a good connection. Thank you *sarcasm* Mother and Katty that I'm in this position. 
So again, please be patient with me. 

Now I only open 1 slot right now and that's a sketch in my sketchbook commission.
If you like the sketch and I go back 'digital' you can ask me to 'continue' it. But so far - I only like my sketched work and not my digital works.

My eyes have difficulties 'adjusting' sometimes - it's horrible with those screens - I do must say.
I'll make a 'price sheet' soon too, but I have no idea what my art is worth - I work sometimes many hours on it... and sometimes it looks so horrid that I scratch the first idea off. 

So ok, 
A sketch commission of ONE character is 12$ 
First one who asks - will the first one to be served.

Just comment on the journal.

Again, because some people inform me that people still say I'm asking for 'Donations'
I'd like to point out, what you just read is the first time me mentioning that word in the entire journal. I'm not asking for it.
If you want to donate - go for it - it's up to you - I'm not a LAZY bum that GETS what SHE wants because someone else works SOOOOO hard for it and never GETS what IT wants. If you think like this about me, 'fine' I can't change your opinion about me. But I can prove that I'm not a liar - and don't ask extra money to go on 'trips' and a 'certain themepark' 

So if you think like that about me - Then I'd wish you'd carry a few seconds of the pain - I'm not going into self pity mode - I have heard enough the past weeks - months how others tell me 'My life is worse than yours'
Good, I know that everyone has a different life, I respect that, I think of all the children who are now in poverty, bad family, handicapped, who are now living in a world that's facing total 'destruction' of the planet. Wildlife slaughtered for our own consumption, forest torn down so we'd have furniture. I haven't met many people when I was in the protest against the slaughtering of Dolphins in Brussels.

Not many people CARE about WHERE they are STANDING on this PLANET - This is everyone's home - so serve one and another - love one and another. Because it comes all in the same big bowl anyway. 

Now I'm going to ask to DONATE but not for me. Save the Dolphins from the people who are slaughtering them right now in Taiji.
I did my part, I stood there in Brussels and I donated what I could, (yeah you read it right) .
I had a verbal fight with WWF in Antwerp who sell 'key chains' to adopt a Tiger, Dolphin, Panda etc.
First of all, when they said: 'We are helping dolphins' I said: BULL$h!t! Go to TAIJI! Your boss earns millions of $ a year. (His respond: Well he deserves it) If I were him, I'd donate that money that's been earned - so all those companies like Greenpeace - WHERE are you? 

Seriously - So next time if someone says to me: 'You and your self-pity!' I'm thinking more about the planet than myself - the past I took more care of my family than myself...

So now without further baby-rant 
Share this LINK to everyone you know - to help Ric'O Barry to help the dolphins! 

This is the official site - so don't worry if your money is lost to a company who is taking advantage of it.

Save what you can save on this planet because they are for our children and our children's children... Let them have a better world than we are having now...


- K

Just let me be quiet for a while...

Fri Sep 13, 2013, 2:56 PM

Things aren't so good lately, the tumor is growing again, I worked so hard, yesterday my ferrets finally came home...
But, ... It didn't went well, 
Akemi is a deaf pup and Madoka didn't like being 'home' with me.
She started to attack Akemi and me...

Akemi refused to eat and this morning I had to take her out of the cage because Madoka was attacking her again so I took the grateful pup to my small room above and placed her next to me, those glimming thankful eyes fell soon asleep.

But she refused to eat and so I had no choice to give the raged Madoka and the hungry pup back for a while to Margiet.
Before we went into the car, Madoka attacked my face and bit without letting go my left eyelid. I can't open my eye for the moment...

It occurred to me, she doesn't want to be with me anymore... So, later Margiet said it's better that Madoka, who now sleeps happy in her 'group', to let her stay forever at Margiet.
And because, Akemi had a shock it's better she stays with the other pups, which crushed me.

I lost both of my ferrets... 

Then they say: 'We'll give you next year two new pups how about that?'

... I don't want new pups, I wanted Madoka back in my life, but Madoka isn't my Madoka anymore... She turned into a 'ferret' I don't recognize anymore, she was this 'sweet, cuddly, loving, likes to be alone, loves learning tricks, ferret.
Now she's a group ferret that loves to be with her friends and play tricks on people... Just like ferrets are, she's still friendly and cuddly.

She bit me at the BBQ of the ferret Union. A softly one, but this morning, that bite, was a 'I want to go home and be left alone by you bite'

I waited 8 months to finally be united with Madoka and Akemi and now ... It was the only thing to hang on too.

I got chased out and live in a crappy place, barely have food to survive on and if I have food it's difficult to eat it - or I'm not that hungry - or I get sick afterwards because I'm used to live on 'fruitpockets'...

I don't have this: 'I'm in the mood to eat 'this' feeling' and my taste buds just don't want to cooperate with me anymore. So everything taste 'just' the 'same'.

To me, Madoka was my child, but Katty, Josie and my brother treated my ferret horrible... They threw her, kicked her if she 'smelled' to much put the cage before my 'temporary' small/packed room - I would come out - hit her cage and she would look at me like: 'I don't know why they put me here...'

So, I had no choice to put Madoka in a facility that takes care of ferrets - after Steve horribly harmed me with horrible words that drove me crazy and Katty threw me from the one room to the other I ran away to the USA - I got back and I had less than a month to move and all I could find in my small budget is this 'horrible' place. It's something, ... but I'm very unhappy... I'm alone - got barely someone to talk to, there days I talk with no one. I don't feel like taking care of myself anymore, I don't cook, I don't feel like cooking, I don't feel like doing anything, ... I don't see a point anymore... so

I looked forward to Madoka, she got pregnant so she had to stay at the facility... So it took longer than expected... so when finally, I had someone to take care for... Someone to love and a pup that teach and help growing up to be a wonderful ferret...

Madoka, got in her cage and she started to get on a rampage and then attacking Akemi so harsh... I really had a friday the 13th bad day, I kept crying the moment I got back home and ripped the cage apart, put everything that had ferret wise something to do away out of my sight even removed 'like' pages of 'ferrets'

I'm not going to get 'new' pups next year - Madoka and Akemi is not something you replace like a battery, I know they meant well...

I feel like I lost a child, I nurtured Madoka, ... she was so small - to weak - to young to be sold - I could choose between a healthy sable or a weak Dark Eyed White. And I have chosen ... Madoka...

I gave her kittenmilk every 4 hours and stayed home to monitor her for 2 weeks and then she tagged along with me the moment she was strong enough to be my companion... 

I feel like shouting: 'What do you want from me, I lost everything, my family, my belongings, my health, my way of living, my creativity, returning cancer and now my precious pets, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!?????'

Seriously, ... I have a breakdown - so I'm sorry... I'm going to be quiet for a while... Hope I wont do stupid things to myself... Because they were all I had - my only reason to stay on this fucking piece of shit that's 'life' ...

If this is 'over dramatic' then fucking think how you felt when you lost a pet... a loved one, your home, ... I went through it all... I'm a cursed person...

- K

I need help, I think...

Mon Aug 5, 2013, 12:05 PM

I'm not asking any 'Donations' anything but I felt like telling a bit of my situation

I have recently problems with 'walking' it's difficult for me to walk to the shop and because I live on my own I can't do much - I recently started working again but max 4 hours and sometimes even that is to much for me.

because I can't sit that long anymore either - I was in the hospital and previous 2 times as well.
1st they thought it was the tumor but everything seems in order but I'm afraid it might have something to do with it (my opinion)

my brother is right, i can't take care of myself, I'm alone in a small student studio that was the cheapest I could afford,

I'm sad and lonely and I don't feel the strength to even talk about it - it's been like my strength is gone completely

i have no food for the moment cause all i do is enough work for an add-company.

Not many seemed to be interested in the commissions I offered, so I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom - talk about 'Karma' right?
I wish, I wish some solution would come, I know no one except my family in the neighborhood but they have their own problems...

I wish I wasn't this sick... I wish...

I'm willing to do some commissions on livestream and chat a bit how about it?
I don't know anymore what to write - all news I have isn't that great - ...

However - what ya think of my small comeback?

Commissions are in progress but I got problems with "sitting" right now - I had surgery - that's all I'm going to say...

I'll be opening the commissions + making of for YouTube as an extra soon enough.

I really am trying the best I can...

Hope you all are doin' great.

Big kissssiee 


You can ask some questions :3

- K
  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Reanji's sweet words
I get easy hurt, that's a fact, but I've always been super nice to everyone and then to get this 'comment' that makes me go like: 'Excuse me?'

I noticed I'm not 'good enough' for a while anymore, everything has been 'dead' so ...

I'm sorry that -
- I have cancer
- I have a heartcondition
- I just got out of an abusing family and recently moved on my own didn't had the space or anything to draw do my job
- That I'm not a STUCK UP spoiled brat artist like most artist that 'THINK' they are popular.

Yes I said it, I'm tired of the 'I'm better then you' - attitude around me, so if you can only be kind to people that have something to 'offer' you and you plan NOT to return any gratitude, than I want those people out of my life.

I offer friendship and what I expect back is at least respect.

Like I said, I've been a true "has-been" isn't it... All because my illness isn't so kind to me, people drop me one after the other because I don't offer anything 'useful' anymore...

It's times like these you see who truley are your friends.

I'm shutting down all the accounts for a while. Only  way to contact me is fB - I'm not good enough, I get the message... Thank you for rubbing it in.

- S