I'm breathing but every day feels like hell...
I don't feel much reason to live but I try to keep on breathing, knowing I have the medications and no one to stop me it's quite strong of me not to do what I'd long for...
I know I'm not much online lately, I'm having so much to do during the day...
All I know is my brother did something so horrible yesterday to me that I slapped him as hard as I could...
He wants me out of Katty's appartment... He took my mother to the door and pushed me to join her.
I felt so betrayed and he said: "I can't stand to look at you anymore. I want you OUT!"
I knew this would happen, Katty just left to Tunesia and I told her the day before that a battle would happen between them and me.
Of course I'm "the weak link"
he kept going: "Go with her, go to your mama."
I ran to him and started to slap him hard with: "WHY? WHY? WHY YOU ALL DO THIS TO ME!? WHY YOU ALL HARM ME! WHY ARE YOU ALL AGAINST ME! WHY?!"
He looked at his arm with a threat in his eyes like: 'I can now call the cops with saying you harmed me'
I felt so broken so afraid. I try so hard, I get up, I ask if anyone needs something from the shop and I'll go get it, cause I'm so afraid to stay in this appartment, knowing my mother lives next door...
Appearently that's being an : "a$$ki$$er"
My doctor told me with the mri wednesday that no shrinking, no growing, nothing abnormal with my headaches and pain and specially the 'black outs' are badly.
He explained to me that when your brain is so tired, overcharged that your brain shuts down for a moment and back on to WARN you with: "you need rest"
I can't rest... I feel I'm in danger every moment of the day.
Katty is only gone for a few hours and then it already happened. I knew it would, and all I was doing was protecting him...
He doesn't want that and he said: 'I never had any help of you anyway'
I respond simply: 'What the loans I did all that shit means nothing to you? When you were hungry I fed you instead of myself? That meant nothing?'
his respond: 'Of course, you'll dwell in the past and push that in my face.'
Then the fight escalated and I just shouted at him like: 'You had the life of a GOD, I saw every corner of the house, I got hit with pots, pans, almost drowned in the sink, thrown off the stairs, cut with a siscor to cut a part of my hair off. Those memories will never ever GO AWAY!'
He went like: "You don't know what I went through, you think I had that kind of life?"
I looked at him like: "All you had to do was point were I left one sheet of paper with a drawing on to let me get beaten up like $h!t"
and the fight escaleted from just trying to help him to this... Seeing my mother going: 'come live back with me'
I never felt so betrayed in my life.
He went like: "You're a danger to my child."
I told him: "I'm nice to Stephanie, for sakes I'm her Godmother, I get toys and clothes when I can... What's bad that I do?"
He: "Oh now you throw that to me..."
What did I say wrong? ...
That he went like: 'I'll move stuff to mother's place and you can stay there, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!"
Tears roled over my face cause the day before I saw my sister and her husband and we talked they opened up a few memories that were locked up for such a long time, for example; Eddie said: "You used to come down to play when we visited you."
Just 'poof' and I remember why and I told him: "Cause whenever I saw my sister I was so happy to see her, granma would stand at the kitchenwindow and look how much I smiled, the moment you'd all be gone, I'd be thrown in my room and I saw every corner of it... Eventuelly I just stopped going downstairs, everytime you guys came I just peeked at the stairs happy to see my sister that way'
The box of Pandora in my head is huge... I remember how I was pulled away so many times from my sister and my granmother from my fathers side with my mother yelling: "You'll NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!"
I had to sit and think for such a long time that night... Memories of your childhood like this are really bad, I know why childeren lock them up so easily... But I never knew that one small trigger could open that 'box'.
My brother plays 'EVE' all day long till sometimes 3 am to 5 am in the morning. He pretends that his life is so much better.
I don't see him having all this healthissue's, I don't see him having trouble getting a job, he wants the royal chair at a job. No he gets a good income from the state that's over 1000 euro's and refuses to pay me back.
I still don't understand that they can have more then 7000 euro's in less then 3 months. Being able to move to buy a HIGH DEFINITION FLATSCREEN TV, the best washingmachine.
I got 'NOTHING' I can't save, I depend on my friends while I want to work, it's horrible when you try so hard and that your boss says: 'I know you tried, but it's not working out for you, ... '
I want to work, I want to be able to be proud of myself, my brother said: "I can look atleast at myself in the mirror, you can't huh?"
Why are they manipulating me... Why... What did I do...
Why everywhere I go, people think I'm odd, strange...
Why did this all happened to me... Is it cause the 'abortion' didn't went through?
Am I punished for that?
I still have no studio that in my range for payment cause I'm still stuck with a loan I did to help my brother.
I'm told by my dad, Donna, Eddie, my sister, NEVER help a person anymore, just yourself, ...
The laughing eyes that he'd even say: "I"ll help you move"
I heard him LIE against his gf of words I didn't said and how he has the urge to "kill" me. (Is it just me or is my family getting a lust to kill? Or is it the desire to get rid of someone so easily)
"It's all about you"
no, ... I tempelary gave up Madoka, my ferret so I can find a place to move, cause they can't stand stress.
He went like: "You care so much about her huh? Doesn't seem like it."
The kid kept hitting Madoka or Josie hits my lilttle girl...
Appearently having PTSD a tumor in the head and emotional damage is no reason to be 'who' I am...
All I'm good for is 'help' and afterwards being 'spit' in the face by them...
I locked myself up, I'm not going back to her. I'll try to find another place as soon as I can...
I'm so afraid...
I'm thinking to rent a small place to just lock up my stuff and stay a while in 'Fort Myers in Florida' to stay at my dad...
Just to get 'rest'
To find out who I am... But I can't aford a place if anyone knows something really really cheap to stay at for maybe a month...
I need appearently more surgeries then I thought but I can't aford them... It's nice to hear a doctor to say: 'your neck, back and chest are misformed'
I have a hard time with my 'looks' now even more when he said that cause of loosing so much wheight and more factors I can't recall them all he said, that my body is ... ruined ...
I'm getting crazy am I?
I'm afraid that, the moment I leave this room and go 'out' my brother will lock me out...
I'm so afraid of myself... I'm so afraid of my thoughts... I'm so afraid of my looks... I'm so afraid... I'm so afraid...
I tried to find a 'runaway place' to even stay at, Hakim even helped, I guess all I can do is wait till monday...
I long for the day I can type in this journal: "Everything is fine with me... Tumor's gone, got no debts, my own place, Madoka's back with me, my comic is getting published, I finally have a great job..."
I'm sorry, for not beeing online so much...
I'm a total wreck a mess... Please give me time...
"See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, saying nothing's gonna be okay
I feel it in my heart, soul, mind that I'm losing
Every reason that I have left to live
All the sanity I've ever owned... gone
But I'm still breathing
I feel it in my veins, skin, bones that I'm losing...
Don't bury me,
Don't let me down,
Don't say it's over
'Cause that would send me under,
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but you words can murder
Only you could send me under..."
NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.
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