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I need help, I think...

Mon Aug 5, 2013, 12:05 PM


I'm not asking any 'Donations' anything but I felt like telling a bit of my situation


I have recently problems with 'walking' it's difficult for me to walk to the shop and because I live on my own I can't do much - I recently started working again but max 4 hours and sometimes even that is to much for me.

because I can't sit that long anymore either - I was in the hospital and previous 2 times as well.
1st they thought it was the tumor but everything seems in order but I'm afraid it might have something to do with it (my opinion)

my brother is right, i can't take care of myself, I'm alone in a small student studio that was the cheapest I could afford,

I'm sad and lonely and I don't feel the strength to even talk about it - it's been like my strength is gone completely

i have no food for the moment cause all i do is enough work for an add-company.

Not many seemed to be interested in the commissions I offered, so I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom - talk about 'Karma' right?
I wish, I wish some solution would come, I know no one except my family in the neighborhood but they have their own problems...


I wish I wasn't this sick... I wish...

www.livestream.com/sahshrine

I'm willing to do some commissions on livestream and chat a bit how about it?
I don't know anymore what to write - all news I have isn't that great - ...

However - what ya think of my small comeback?

Commissions are in progress but I got problems with "sitting" right now - I had surgery - that's all I'm going to say...

I'll be opening the commissions + making of for YouTube as an extra soon enough.

I really am trying the best I can...

Hope you all are doin' great.

Big kissssiee 

Oh BTW 


You can ask some questions :3

- K
  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Reanji's sweet words
I get easy hurt, that's a fact, but I've always been super nice to everyone and then to get this 'comment' that makes me go like: 'Excuse me?'

I noticed I'm not 'good enough' for a while anymore, everything has been 'dead' so ...

I'm sorry that -
- I have cancer
- I have a heartcondition
- I just got out of an abusing family and recently moved on my own didn't had the space or anything to draw do my job
- That I'm not a STUCK UP spoiled brat artist like most artist that 'THINK' they are popular.

Yes I said it, I'm tired of the 'I'm better then you' - attitude around me, so if you can only be kind to people that have something to 'offer' you and you plan NOT to return any gratitude, than I want those people out of my life.

I offer friendship and what I expect back is at least respect.


Like I said, I've been a true "has-been" isn't it... All because my illness isn't so kind to me, people drop me one after the other because I don't offer anything 'useful' anymore...

It's times like these you see who truley are your friends.

I'm shutting down all the accounts for a while. Only  way to contact me is fB - I'm not good enough, I get the message... Thank you for rubbing it in.

- S
As you read in previous journal, 'lil (young) Acer is no longer able to work aside with me, so I've been looking around for laptops and what not, cause working as a freelance artist is kind of the only income I have.

We're half the month and I notice I'm really tight and I mean, not just a little... tight... no food ...

It comes to a point I have nothing left anymore, now my sister gave some money to get a laptop but I'm not sure if it's 'strong' enough and also with the 'fees' from 'paypal' I'm over 50 euro's short.

Not only that, ... like I said, I'm really tight right now, I missed my 5th chemo and soon my 6th, it comes to the point my doctor called asking if everything is alright, I'm afraid 'not'.

So far, no growth has been detected but the heart problems are still there and will get monday another investigation, there moments I can 'deal' with the pain but I've noticed I'm sleeping a lot from a pure 'exhausting' body.

Now, I've been thinking a lot to get back into a 'study' rhytm so I need to get a laptop anyway, I'm thinking to study for 3-D
Because I'm still not allowed to work "fulltime" that's why I'm working "part-time" as Freelance artist.

I'm working now for a small company (not a big pay) that I'm not allowed to mention to which projects I'm working on. It's 'something'
Not much but 'something'
It's a company that does adds for other company's and I just need to use photoshop-manipulating skill that I was thought years ago in school. So again it's not much but something... (Zoidberg Voice: Huraay, she got a job) doing such a job really doesn't pay much but like I said, it's something... *sighs*
I
t just covers my rent for the moment... But if I want to keep this job I need a laptop, I'm on one of my roomies laptop but it's just a 'school laptop' not a 'working laptop'

I told you before, I don't dare to ask for donations but I'm going to open a few slots for commissions, probably sketch ones that can be 'upgraded' LATER to digital artworks (if the clients want it of course)

So one is a bidding one (new one) that will be (upgraded later when I get back a laptop)

If you choose for a romantic pose I'm charging 35€ because the anatomy is more difficult than playful poses. I've already had a lot of problems in the past with certain poses -hence I don't do PRON commissions... I'm unpatient when it comes to 'these' kinds of poses.

Regular Commissions (You can choose from either 1 character the total will be 25€ for an extra character it will be 32€)
:iconxd-385: PAID - Sketched
:icongamemastersimon: Have the information - Need contact
:iconkustin: : PAID - Awaiting information
TheGreenDragoon: Finished 4 of 6 pony commissions - 2 need more design instructions - upload is for later
Design for Justin's character: 'Finished 80 percent'

No slots open

Bidding Commission 01 PROGRESS:
:iconrushforza: 'Finished Sketch' - awaiting laptop for continuation

NEW BIDDING COMMISSON 02: Starting BID 20 euro's
:dev...

(explanation of BIDS
The bidding commission is very special, if you look at the left on my page you see 'Kiss of a Mermaid' this is one of the most detailed commissions I've ever made...
That's what I'm offering in the BIDDING commission.
Two characters, inked, collored, shaded, bg, special effects and I'll give the PSD - if the winner wants. I'll livestream every time I'm working on the commission.)

FOR SALE: 'PSD of PRINCESS LUNA for AUCTION' MIN bid is 20 euro's AUTOBID is 100 euro's.
It becomes your image and you can sell prints of it. Just place 'autobid' if you think it's worth it. Every increase is 1 euro min

AUCTION - LUNA MLP photo 382616_461472877270026_808136037_n_zps9196181d.jpg


Sketch Commissions (8 euro's each upgrade + 20 euro's when computer is availeble)

Slots add in note if you want upgrade or not.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.


:heart: GIFTS

It's a secret or else it's no gift.

:star: TRADES

None for the moment

:bluepoint: REQUEST

Don't take Request


:star: DESIGN a character for me - Contact me for details

Thanks for reading x


- S

____





.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


I noticed the weather is really strange lately over the entire world. It's cold here and than the next day it's so hot that my laptop started to 'smell' really weirdly...

So, preparing everything to work (even though I got the news to 'move' soon to some place else)
I start up photoshop and sai, my computer just crashed. It felt like it burned in the inside.

So I go to the Mediamarkt here, to hear I lost my warrently.
Simply (if those still remember) my screen was broken by accident by dad. But he bought the same screen model and replaced it.

So when I brought in my laptop they noticed it and said this isn't right anymore and I can't fix it at their shop unless I pay a lot of money for it. So I took option two to go to a computer-store

They called a few hours ago saying that my laptop's motherboard is damaged, the ventilation system is all broken and partly melted.

To fix that they adviced me: 'Just get a new laptop'

I'm on one of my roomies computer to write this ...
So, I got adviced to get a new one but I can't even afford a 'second-hand' one.

So Myriam (my mother) has my purple one but she wont give it back, neither the laptop is (not anymore) strong enough to handle Photoshop. That's why I have this one.

I got this one as a gift from a client and I have to mail him about the 'short life' of this laptop. I always took such good care of it. It's an Acer (though they said get an Asus) but in the shop I was like: 'Ok, which one was is? They both sound the same of name'
They were cheap both of them for what they can do.

My laptop could handle working in photoshop in very high resolution, music, second screen was playing movie or livestreaming.
My other laptop's couldn't handle the 'abuse' of myself. People keep advicing 'Get a Desktop'
But if you all remember the problem that they were going to get our stuff and my 'Desktop' was one of the items the goverment took, I decided to go all 'laptop' cause that one I could 'hide' easily.

I have no clue what to do.

To reply someone's question here: 'Why are you not doing your chemo's'

Simply I can't afford them anymore, if I get sick, I get sick, I have no clue anymore what I can do.
I'm tired of 'asking' money, I'm ashamed of myself. I lost 2 friends cause of it. One of them makes 'mock-up' accounts to attack me with them causing me more grief in myself.

Beeing more ashamed ... I don't know what to do, my stepmum said: 'You better off doing 'online work' than going to get a job or studies'

Looks like my USA plans are not going to happen. Since my dad is 'residentional' and not a 'citizen' so it might take a long time before I'm accepted.

Health seems to be a bit better as long as I don't stress myself like I'm doing now. Sleep seems to be the only thing that is helping me...

*sigh*

I don't know what to say or to 'do' to be honest...

Can't accept commissions if I can't work on a computer now can I? ... Unless you don't mind waiting...
Please don't ask me to ship your laptop to my country, I think it's a nice offer but I had already a few times people send me things and I have to pay a lot of 'entery' fee to get it in our country... Sounds stupid but *sigh*


*thunks head*

- S

____





.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
  • Watching: Futurama Season 7
:star: EDIT...

Not ME but HER -> hello-tech.deviantart.com/jour…
She has less then a week to move out and she has no money, she's being kicked out...
I know how that feels (you all know I went through it recently myself...) , can you guys please help spreading the journal for this girl or helping her, she sells very cheap commissions and it looks like in my opinion she's very talented! Please help her. It would make a pretty birthday gift for me by just spreading this :heart: ... xxx

- S

____


Well it's been a really tough week. I had to visit often the ER cause of often the pain stings got so horrible I could barely breath. One time my left arm became a bit numb and I panicked and went with a cab to the ER. So yeah I kind of blew my food money into taking a cab since Ambulances are very expensive...

So... ahum...

I don't feel like talking what all happened because honestly everything seems like a blur. I slept a lot and when I was awake I was at the ER... So everything else I did is really vague...

All I know is thanks to a medication 'Sintrom' my heart is doing better. Since yesterday I can walk back the stairs without getting all tired after halfway through.

The pains will be Chronicle though... *sighs*
But the bloodclunts are gone.

The painful blood taking out of my wrist was the "cherry top" of a wonderful week...

So yeah I'm now 'version 3.0' or I'll say I turned for the second time 29
I can't believe time is flying by so fast.

I noticed a lot of people are worried. I'm really sorry I'm not 'responsive'
I checked even the gallery today and just one page further is art from 2010 - 2011
Shook my head a few times that I realised that my creativity is gone really below compared to the past were I pushed myself to finish atleast ONE artwork a day. Those who knew my "Angel-Paws' dA spot know what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to find all scraps of my old artworks since the drive is 'dead'

So yeah. if the pain keeps being numbed like this I hope to be back in action next week... I seriously am hoping that.

Thanks for reading. x


-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
  • Watching: Futurama Season 7
Looks like I have days that are good and days that are bad...

I guess this will be a 'Time Out' week for me.
I'll try explaining why, I suffer for almost a week now from horrible 'chest pains'

I already went to the doctor since they started almost 2 months ago but were 'iregular'
After the check up they noticed my heart skipps over a few times. Nothing to worry about.

So from time to time I had those pains.
Now the day before yesterday I had to lay an entire day (also yesterday) in bed. My body wouldn't allow anything.
I dragged myself to go outside and I came home 'out of breath' in a lot of pain and the moment I placed myself down I felt my body was under attack. Today it "seemed" less.

I woke up and decided to take a nice 'cool' shower but halfway through ... the pains came back even right now the pains are horrible.
A few people called already on my cellphone to ask what's up with me.

So I decided to write this journal.
I'm skippin' for the 3rd time my chemo because I can't aford it.

By writing this I'd like to 'press' myself on I haven't asked for donations in quite some time. Someone (and I know who) decided to attack me during a livestream moment.
I haven't drawn much the past months for almost 10 months if I'm correct.

Yes, my art looks horrible yes, I know, keep pushing it in my face, becoming 30 and I haven't achieved 0
I haven't asked donations for a long time. Yes it's there below but I'm not asking.

Oh... I should be dead by now too...

Seriously... my health isn't well... But keep doing it... Really... Keep attacking, it makes a lot of people laugh.
Maybe one day 'I'll be gone' and then those words you've said... Will hurt you back.

Honestly I don't care... I'm not whining to get donations to get my chemo's, hah - man this week I'm missing my 3rd.
I'll do it myself with working with my 'crappy artwork and my crappy textures'

So, I don't need to be famous, special or anything else for that matter.

I'll just go on my own flow...

I'm just doing it on my own ritme, being myself. If you can't handle it. Your problem...
Not mines anymore...

I guess most of you fallow me for many years that my health hasn't been the 'best' for a long time.
...

*sighs*

I start to wish for the 'end' when I read things like this how people treat one and another... You get that famous 'meme' in your head.
'I don't want to live on this planet anymore'

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
www.livestream.com/sahshrine

Livestream is ON

The bidding commission is very special, if you look at the left on my page you see 'Kiss of a Mermaid' this is one of the most detailed commissions I've ever made...
That's what I'm offering in the BIDDING commission.
Two characters, inked, collored, shaded, bg, special effects and I'll give the PSD - if the winner wants. I'll livestream every time I'm working on the commission.

Or I'll record it and put it on youtube later.

3 slots open.
I'll draw anything (except PRON) yes this includes I'll draw humans from now on too... Anything...
Inked, collored, shaded simple BG

You can choose from either 1 character the total will be 25€
for an extra character it will be 32€

If you choose for a romantic pose I'm charging 35€ because the anatomy is more difficult than playful poses. I've already had a lot of problems in the past with certain poses -hence I don't do PRON commissions... I'm unpatient when it comes to 'these' kinds of poses.

Every saterday I'll livestream for busts who'll remain 10$ as they were in the past. I think that is fair enough...

What's to gain out of it, everyone who buys one will help me to continue my chemo and help me to keep living on my own...
I don't want to return to my mother or anyone else for that matter...

:star: Bid :star: starts @ 20€ current high bidder : 30 € by :iconrushforza:

Regular slots + progrss
1. :iconkustin: - awaiting instructions
2. :iconrushforza: - awaiting instructions
3. :iconxd-385: - awaiting instructions - discussing
4.
5.

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
I was wondering if you guys would be intersted to buy a sketchbook of 80 pages of me on lulu.com.
I might plan, i'm not certain yet to put a comic for sale on lulu.com or if anyone else has a nice publishing idea online...


-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
Tell me, you think I'll ever stand a chance with my art? It's ...
Upon an unfortunate series of events, I feel ... really broken, I have a lot of questions with: 'Why that artist and not me?'
I stand often in the comic shop wondering how some artist got the 'job'

And I wonder what it is with those promisses: 'You'll get a job, just keep drawing for us'
So fine I do that and boom... Steal my ideas and no reply or anything anymore.

So I wonder, I told my stepmum 'I just want a job' I don't need a job that's in the artist destrict, because I know how much I suck...
But I keep wondering: 'Why, just why... do people do that over and over with me...'

I try drawing more humans lately, anatomy wise, I know it's not on dA... I don't think it's something to be 'that' proud of
So I wonder... I always dreamed about a future as comic artist.

But I just don't feel that energy anymore after that many rejections...

;-;

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
Thanks guys, seems the staff noticed it, :3
allthough I wonder if I have a problem since I don't get that many comments on my own work - journals like I used too... Wich is really weird...

Seems Loish isn't the only one who has this problem, I noticed it myself too...
It seems a friend of mine has this problem too: :iconevana: her watchers are almost all gone...
help.deviantart.com/contact/

loish only got helped when more voices are heard. If possible can you do the same for Evana?
Thanks for reading this if possible SPREAD it. If you see yourself 'watching' her still check if you are on the list - if not - remove and REWATCH, that fixes the problem :3

So please spread it to help her. :3


-S






.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


.: Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
So, hello everyone, it seems that a lot of people are asking: 'What up Dog!'

Hmmm, yeah let's see I return a lil 'hazy' with an angered journal update cause someone is making journale asking them to spread them around to tell I'm a fraude and all while I have people that MET me in RL 'Bronies' from Netherlands, Belgium and also recently my dear friend Hakim, who I'm proud to call 'A brother' like 'Kenny'. A few people I have met in the USA who's username's I don't know. They were super long and sometimes I met so many people that I had difficulties to keep up the chats... If you feel like shouting it out, go ahead! Tell me how 'dazed off' I looked like
I met a lot of new people which was awesome but unfortionatly, I never made it to Key West... Even if I had a Key West Express boat just right next to me.

I stayed with my dad on a boat and enjoyed it. Knowing dolphins were around me but so far all I saw were fins... far away. Tough my dad calls now and goes: 'OMG KARINE THEY ARE JUMPING LIKE 50 M AWAY FROM ME! OMG THIS ONE 20M!'
So yeah,

Lets start with good news; ummm I'm moving next wednesday 1st may to my duplex, what's a duplex? Well it's not luxerious as it sounds...
I have two small floors, my work floor (no TV or couch) and my bedroom floor - private place. Madoka's allowed to live with me, I can't wait to pick her up, my little baby is turning in may 1 year old!
She was pregnant but... TT_TT ... So but I worked really hard to get this Duplex. It's a cheap rent. I share the bathroom and kitchen with other people in the home. Because I could not aford a regular appartment... So I got myself a 'STUDENT' home and decided to become a student again... Since they wont let me WORK! All I can do is wait for a job offer in USA or a study position but things don't go smooth. It's not like you are accepted and -bada bing bada boom- you got your work visa, a place to stay (with your pet allowed of course - and afordeble) plust healthcare...

About my tumor, so far it's been stabelised, it shrunk in total 2.7 CM that's almost half a thumb or for most almost a pink, if you have small hands like me...
(I got small hands) so that news is exiting...
Now, my doctor checked and compared my blood and she shook her head, I'm short of Vitamins but I get montly a vitamin shot, so we can't overdose it. My skin, in the past everyone, or most of you all, know I was diagnosed with Skin Cancer witch eventuelly turned out to be a DISORDER, but I was TREATED as a cancer patient for that. (No, can't sue...)
So my skin is actuelly very fragile. It takes sometimes 'months' for a wound to heal. Moquito bites are one of those I really try to avoid sometimes the year next they are still there... NOT kidding. that's what the mis diagnoses did for me... Broke my skin...

Now in USA, I noticed my wounds healing a lot faster and with comparing the blood we noticed we miss a lot of Vitamin D,
the only way to get that without 'overdosing' is go to a tan salon. I hate tanning salons, but so far, I just go for 5 min (loooong 5 min in my opinion) but the results are there. The wounds heal... So tadaaaaaaaaaaaa, my skin wants sun but I burn and get Sunstroke's how odd is that?
(also the damn mosquito's returned...)

So the .... bad news?

I went last week 'COLD TURKEY' on my medication for my condition. I'm diagnosed now with 'Borderline' including 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' and when I read it I felt like: 'F THIS, ENOUGH!' I felt like, this is going from ok to bad and from bad to worse and from worse to what the F@#$ is this $h!t?!!!'
In USA, I felt strong, confident but the moment I returned I felt like slacking off... and I was slacking off... (allthough finding a place to stay in less then a week is like... hard looking, since the other apartment was to good to be true... and it turned out to be a con too,...)

So yeah, I went 'cold turkey', going now with a horrible infection in my stomach right now. My entire body is right now ... Going weird, yesterday I looked so pale that I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breath...
But in USA I bought this : 'EZ Breathe Atomizer' (I hope to be able to order more of those bags; they are really good...) and I used it and like after 15 min of shaking like a rattlesnake, I could breathe, I started to get red cheeks again... my lungs opened...
So the housedoctor told me today that I'm taking a 'bold risk' doing this 'Cold Turkey' thing
Don't forget, I have Asthma and there is right now 5 cats in this apartments. NONE of them are mine... and I'm allergic to cats even though I love them so much... Not to mention Sheba skrathed me... and if a cat skrathes me... The wound isn't a pretty sight...

But yeah, lets say... It's getting there... Except for the bill I just got. I had help from friends and I worked on pony commissions with the laptop/mouse (my screen was broken but dad fixed it, I still got the picture of hell-laptop on FB) it's not easy... It truly isn't...

I'm seeming to dissepoint people again with probably 'quiting' another comic. Yes, the Walibi one... 'Nightmare in Shimmeria'
Why, for copyright reasons... Oh no, I can work with the CDA characters as much as I want as long I don't sell anything.

It's because my idea's I mentioned last year to a worker in Walibi was actuelly placed into 'reality' and that wasn't just a simple idea... It was just ... 'why?' they even IGNORE me; so that makes me think: 'They know!!!' and you can fool me for a long time but this was to much since the sentence: 'There's room in Walibi's Universe' is haunting me...
So I realised something about myself... I should stop spreading my idea's... So yeah, probably 'Nightmare in Shimmeria' will be offline untill I'm sure they can't STEAL...
Like for instance, I'm not braging or showing myself off. A gallery would like to publish my artwork and said to my stepmum: 'I haven't seen such a good artist for a long time' in DISNEY DOWN TOWN. Nope, after that compliment I didn't jump in the air, I stayed off the pink clouds. I have this: 'when I see it, I'll believe it' feeling. I've saw things in Disney Down Town (free area btw) that I did not understood how these artist... got their stuff published!

But just a photoshoped guitare with a bg you find simply by typing in google: 'Wallpaper Sunset' is pasted in it and is sold for over 3000 copies to 20$ a piece...

Where is the logic in this? That work must have taken like MAX 2 hours if you worked with a MOUSE.

So, yeah my stepmum went up to a few workers showed my work and they gave their cards... So that was, nice... it's not an "ego booster" or anything it's just: 'They like my stuff???? Seriously?????????????????? ummm ok, I guess I need to continue then...'
my stepmum said: 'I think you should continue in what you do.'
It seems I'm more build for that, altough... I want to use my hands for other jobs too, you know... I don't mind to get them dirty...
My right hand is full with scars and bruises and my left one has a weird 'bone bump' on it but that doesn't mean I can't work, I want to work... It's just that DAMNED doctors record keeps fallowing me and that's why I went 'COLD TURKEY'!

I want a job so badly! I want it, I want it, I'm tired of living like this. I can't aford anything. I'm glad to have a laptop but that's all I have...
I don't have fancy clothing, I don't have fancy shoes, I don't have a fancy bed (I'm going to live somewhere where furniture is included BTW) I don't have this nice 'life' people keep talking about, like 'omg' she's going on a vacation, seriously? After going through hell with my mother, brother and the one I trusted so much I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get out of here, I needed a solution, I needed to know my family that TRULEY loves me! Not the other part of my family that uses me for every penny I GOT!... Really, yes, I get help and I'm grateful for every suport I get.
I'm grateful for a lot of things. I'm glad I can still breathe, I'm glad the tumor is shrinking softly... (Lets hope it continues) I'm glad for so many things, I try to talk to everyone everywhere but a part of me is so frightened. Because first of all... I'm scared to loose more friends, especialy for those you've trusted for years but then you find out by an accedent they are back trash talking about you...
And then you keep trying but it just doesn't work, it's not the same anymore, you turn even more into your own 'world'
My world was 'dead' because of all those medications.
I had a huge depression and it got worse by fears and worse and worse and what did the doctors do ... and I let them?
Gave me higher doses; 'oh lets try this medication, or this one... Yes, this one should work.' I became a zombie and not a 'COOL' one.

If I see my gallery to my creativity compared to 2005 - 2008; to now? I'm 'DEAD'
All I seem to draw is the same thing over and over again... and that sucks man... I used to draw traditional and my artwork had more soul in it. Now it just looks plain DEAD to me. I'm ashamed of my work, I'm ashamed someone says: 'What potentional you've got'
Yeah, maybe you think that. No, I'm failing badly... and I didn't want that. 'Cold Turkey' with that $h!t, quit it... Ok, I'm suffering a lot right now... Fever, anxiety, anger, sadness but also HAPPYNESS and that feeling I haven't had like... *hits head* years????

That's what I want, I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy everything what's going on. It finally is making me happy to read those nice comments... Everything seemed to me for the past 3 to 4 years: 'DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD - ... DEAD!!!!'
I still think I'm no good for nothing but now I feel this emotion... it's been such a long time that I could drink something and actuelly ... TASTE THE FLAVOR of it... and treasure that moment. Like OMG this chicken is BEST chicken I've every TASTED!) Yeah that's what Anti-Depressants; Anti-Anxiety, Anti-harming etc what I all took you don't want to know, if you wanna know the link to 'TRUE STORY' is still online. The pictures are still on it.

A lot of us need to deal with this emotion on our own instead of 'numb' it out... I realised that the hard way.
To loose friends and then feel ... nothing...
But yeah, you kind of start thinking 'dead' if you live with your mum on the age of 'almost 30' and she expects you to be with her 'forever' and chase every friend you make in your life away from the appartment. Because you are her 'precious donkey that $h!t$ gold.

Now, I feel a lot of regret, understanding and kindness but also a lot of anger. Anger towards 'them' and anger towards 'myself'
For doing what 'others' told me to do. For letting doctors decide how to run my life instead of listning to other people.
But even though I have regret the way things are I have to think: 'I have no regrets' or I can't move on with my life...
All I can do now is to look forward and improve myself, it's going to be damn hard. But hey, like my stepmum says: 'Rome isn't build on one day.'

So yeah... I know a lot of you seem to ... hate me for some reason cause someone decided to say bad things about me. Again those people don't know me.

If you are going to a Brony Meeting in Belgium, I'll be in Leuven 15th of May and I'll try to attend more Brony Meetings and hopefully soon Artist Conventions. IF I can afford a table...

Because right now, I miss calculated BADLY. I thought I could deal with all of this... But no, my pocket can't deal with it, I'm afraid...
So yeah, I'm going to look for a working wire for my tablet and get to work ASAP.

I'll earn my title...

Now, that should do it... Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm not in controle of some emotions right now... But I'm doing my best...
I'll try be more 'open' and 'talk active' to you people. I'm not like 'some' artist ;)
I'm grateful for everything and I'll be always there for a chat

-S






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Here we go www.livestream.com/sahshrine
I will be availeble to talk once I find my mic... it's somewhere...




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I wonder if I have the same problem... If some of the watchers 'died' or something...

Now ummm something really different then usual...

I signed today my contract... I'm moving on my own - 1 May I got my own place! Isn't it wonderful, sure it's small but cozy!
I'll have Madoka back with me... I'll be so happy and of course afraid... Afraid to be on my own ... But that's alright, right?

Man, you gonna see a buttload of new artwork and I can continue the Walibi comic and continue the commissions since the place I'm at, lacks space. I have no computer desk, just the ground and if you have allergies for cats and right now there like 5 cats a dog and 2 hamsters in the living, my medication says: 'F u, I'm out of here...'

So that's been the problem, I heard complains, yeah, I know, but the work is done exept I'm looking for one person who ordered a picture of him kneeling down and kissing my characters hand. Whoever ordered that please stand up? I can't find the name anymore...

Did people notice on FB I'm taking pictures of my artwork? Yeah, no scanner right now. Everything is packed and ready to go.
Besides my tablet; it's not 'broken' it's the wire that doesn't want to coperate anymore...
And I find a wire that looked like it but it doesn't seem to work...

Right now I didn't had any time to look around to find it either... First, no credit, I'm going to have to start working as full time artist for a while since I have no good income, it just covers up my rent so yeah... Heh, I need to get everything together and work...

So yeah, harrr...

What else, nothing I supose, my tumor seems stabelised... No growth for the time being... so yeah, just my doctor is leaving the hospital and I'm getting a new one (although I had him before but it's ok) so I'm curious...




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Well, I'm not a fraud;
I'm tired of telling people over and over and over I aint one but "someone" behind my back has been spreading lies about me.
And frankly, I know 'YOU' read this, QUIT making fake accounts and go like 'She's a fraud, yeah I KNEW her and I bla bla bla'
I'd suggest you'd stop it or I'll start spilling beans A'ight? Cause frankly I'm tired of reading and hearing from other people 'YOU' do this behind my back.

Mum knew a few times I got donations for my cancer treatment, long story short I have a braintumor on the hypophesis...
Anyone who's fallowing me; should know that by now... I think...

Yes, she misses me, of course I'd work my butt off from time to time because she would get bills and she couldn't pay for it so who'd work for it? Cleaning appartments from elderly people? ME.

I'm not asking donations in my journal; I'm just expressing how I feel right now. Do you see me ASKING for donations in this journal beside in the footer if you WANT to help? And that 'question' is in EACH journal and it's if you WANT too.
Now I'll explain a bit BETTER what's going on
We have an end totalisation of the apartment we used to live in; I signed together with my brother, his gf and Myriam (my mother) herself a paper that we'd split the end totalisation. So, Steve owes my mother even more money than I do. He got this studybook a course he wanted to fallow of over 400 euro's i'm not sure exact how much; but I don't care, it's not my problem.

So I told Myriam I'd pay her montly 50 euro's with what I could.
But yeah if Steve doesn't pay I'm in trouble too, you understand? It's just very incomplicated mess...

And she threatened to sue cause my brother wont show her grandchild and she has in belgium rights the right to sue my brother for it...
But I'm beeing pulled a long and I have nothing to do with it, so I'm gonna do something about that and not with donations, I went to a lawyer and he told me simply she CAN'T HARM ME! As long I keep paying with parts a month my lawyer will say: 'SHE IS PROVIDING and keeping her PROMISE'
yes I signed that bloody paper but it's ripped in pieces but she got it out of the papertrash and put it back together THAT is why it's so EVIL!

Does this solve your questions?




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my brother and I just got this mail that says we have to pay my OWN mother money... With evidence so we can't get out...

Steve ows her 1045.12 euro's and will add the costs of adding a lawer
I'm at 975,45 euro's with the cost of adding a lawyer...

Why? C'mon WHY? T-T I didn't ...  -_-
If it's not paid before 29th of march they will take badly issue's, meaning taking everything I have...
What more do I got? I sleep on the floor, I have Madoka's cage and one closset with a few clothes is...

For the rest I have nothing................. -_-
I can't be put into this situation or else I'll never be able to get a appartment!
NEVER! C'mon -_- ... oh what's the use, just take a cord and hang yourself really, she'll fallow me everywhere to ruin me -_-
EVERYWHERE -_-





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Well so far the apartment was a fraude so I continued my search... I hope tomorrow to receive some good news because I really have no clue anymore.

I wanted to study for TC3 Disney; it was possibile but I have no diploma's
So all I can think of is someone that wants to hire me so I can get a job in USA and live there... I need to find a place where my ferret, Madoka is also welcome...

So what else, I need to collect a lot of money for this move and moving to usa...
So far, I'm not getting there...

And I feel really insperationless, almost no place to do it here right now to work on commissions etc

It's cramped and I don't feel like home here...





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Belgium a land I'm born in a family full of backstabbers on my mothers side... Not only that the position I'm in makes me driven to a corner, no way out, I can't get out...

You guessed it by now, I'm back in Belgium.
There was no solution for the moment. Thuesday I'll see my doctor including wednesday and thursday...
And then I'll look for a small room where I can stock my place because I need to find a place where Madoka and I can stay...

I can no longer stay at Katty, it becomes worser thanks to my 'delightful' brother.
It's been obious a lot of backtrash talking has been done in my absense;

I'm not ashamed to write here what he does, playing on the computer all day but living of the state.
I work on the computer and I was compared to him doing the same but I tell them: 'I make a living with what I do, unlike him.'

I hate my family, I want nothing to do with Steve, Josie or anyone else like Doris and my mother. They treated me like 'nothing' like I am a 'nothing'

I feel like I'm treated again by entering the borders of Belgium that I'm a 'NOTHING'
I have to leave but of course I'm beyond broke...
I need to get to work and fund to earn money so I can indeed leave this 'horror' story behind me and start new...
My inside heart and emotions feel numb and broken...
I learned I could have a nice life but to get there I have to fight really hard for it.

But I feel my strenght is exhausted and perished...

When I had to say goodbye to dad and donna I felt like I was saying 'farewell'

I feel I'm turning weaker by day just by entering this country. I felt strong but in just a few days I'm back to the 'old me'

I'm not strong enough...

I don't know what to do... It will take a while to figure out how to get back in USA, where to go, where to stay, how to get a job...
If anyone knows a solution, please write so... Cause all I got right now are my medications to calm me down... To become even more numb. Cause the moment when I don't take them, I harm myself... my hands are injured including my wrist... I'm only back for almost 3 days...

If a month in USA with a loving family can 'heal' me but Belgium with angered backstabbing people in my life can destroy it in less then 3 days. It is clear then, I no longer should be here... in this country...

- S





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I decided not to RETURN to Belgium.
Is there anyone who'd like to take me in for a little while? Please...

I'm not returning to 'hell'
Please someone I can trust, please...

Anyone in the US that can take me in for a month, I'll deal with a housing in meantime for Belgium. I want nothing to do anymore with anyone anymore who harm me... Please, I need help... Please someone...

- S





.: D O N A T I O N :.
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