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Just quit it - really.

Fri Oct 11, 2013, 6:35 AM

I don't know whom and I don't want to know 'who' 

I'm kind of tired of people STILL talking behind my back about my condition. I think I haven't mentioned much anymore about it in my previous journals - why, because of what happened months ago, yes, there was a donation drive - everyone got paid back.

Think about it, If I were a FRAUD, I would not have acted that way. I would have for example 'VANISHED' like others have done on dA, FA etc...
I'm on the net since 2001 on dA, my problems came many years after I was on dA and Sheezyart. I can look up on SheezyArt my old journals how much I complained about my mother and brother. That's it... No asking money... Nothing...

Then I vanished for a while on the net, not only because on the net was bad - but RL was going worse, I left my mother, I got abused by Katty and Steve where I was looking for comfort after YEARS of abusement, 
I had to RAN off to the USA - where I showed papers to both my father and step-mother about my condition.

My step-mum is a doctor. Ok, she asked a lot of questions, saw my medications that I have to take daily - weekly.
she knows, she looked up the medications I take.

Ever this fiasco started, my note-box here and on fA, exploded and frankly I've had enough of the questions if I'm a 'fraud' or 'real'

If people keep being like this behind my back - I must be a very interesting person, isn't it?

How my health NOW is doing, is no one's business unless you have FACEBOOK and you are on my SPECIAL list. Not only got I betrayed by my EX-BEST FRIEND with altering accounts so that person could not be identified but the thing is IP-TRACING proved WHERE that person was from and I knew that moment who this person was and it broke my heart...

I'd really would like to ask to 'stop' it.
I'm tired of those questions: 'Are you dead? It's been two years!? Something isn't right.'

Ah, so I see, I had help from friends and people kind enough to me to go through procedures, I was in LILLE - I had therapy.
For now the tumor, I'll repeat it again - seems stabilized. I'm going to write: 'SEEMS' I had treatment which has EXTENDED my life - TREATMENT - READ GOOD - TREATMENT
Going to the USA did me very good, I was in Fort Myers with my family, Dad, Step-Mum, Aunt, Uncle and a cousin.
All supported me and gave me a lot of love. 
When back in Belgium for scans, they noticed the tumor had shrunk a bit - and it stayed that way for months. Is this enough INFORMATION?

I'm not telling anymore in public, wtf is going on with me. I'm not asking DONATIONS, I'm not ASKING for PITY, I'm not asking for anything - Just if you want to be a bully on the internet, do it somewhere else, if you are a bully on the net, it means you must have a pathetic, sad life in RL and I feel sorry for people like that.

They must suffer in RL to VENT it out on someone else on the NET.
So, I feel sorry for those people. 

But I'd like to stay from after what I now typed, LEFT alone about this subject. If you feel like you have doubts, talk to me in person and don't go bashing behind my back to people who still believe and support me in their own way - with words.

I know the question: 'How do you afford it, then?' is coming up. 

Simple, find my other account, that's doing a lot of adult art. Try to find it... Really... I'm sure you wont.

I have CFS - Chronicle Fatigue Syndrome and it will get worse - I've been told by my doctor - there's nothing we can do about it - My house-doctor told me in 2004 I had symptoms of it and now in 2013 it's finally confirmed. 
You want to know, why I get sick? Because I'm learned by my grandmother not to show my emotions, my tears were fake, my laugh was fake and you know something...
I live with a MASK before my face. I'm kind to everyone even if I dislike you in any way, I'll still be kind because I want to treat people like how I Want to be treated. But I'm afraid not everyone thinks like me... I must be a complete dumbass.
Every time, someone harms me, I don't show emotions about it, I just get sick and sleep - sleep to get away from this world... 

This is how I deal with $h!t ever since I was a kid, ... 
I'm sure a few are going: 'Oh she's trying to get pity out of us.'
Yeah, go ahead, think like that about me. I don't give a fudge anymore... 

I'm in a phase that I'm to tired - in grieving - troubles - I feel like giving up...

now the last thing I'll write about this matter: 'Since I can't afford - I repeat, I can't afford, living on my own - taking care of myself, not able to pay for my surgeries, injections - I'll be living BACK with my mother. Back to being USED to.'

Hope, who-ever is contacting my -clients- -friends- is happy with what is going on. I hope 'this' is what you wanted.
Enjoy. Good job.

And this is the last time I write about my health conditions... 

Thanks for reading

- K

To this day...

Wed Oct 2, 2013, 8:55 AM

When I was a kid
I used to think that pork chops and karate chops
were the same thing
I thought they were both pork chops
and because my grandmother thought it was cute
and because they were my favourite
she let me keep doing it

not really a big deal

one day
before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees
I fell out of a tree
and bruised the right side of my body

I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it
because I was afraid I'd get in trouble
for playing somewhere that I shouldn't have been

a few days later the gym teacher noticed the bruise
and I got sent to the principal's office
from there I was sent to another small room
with a really nice lady
who asked me all kinds of questions
about my life at home

I saw no reason to lie
as far as I was concerned
life was pretty good
I told her "whenever I'm sad
my grandmother gives me karate chops"

this led to a full scale investigation
and I was removed from the house for three days
until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises

news of this silly little story quickly spread through the school
and I earned my first nickname

pork chop

to this day
I hate pork chops

I'm not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we'd be lonely forever
that we'd never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there's no way for it to metastasize

it does

she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
outside we'd have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of dog

to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn't think she's beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn't quite get the job done
and they'll never understand
that she's raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
that she's only ever always been amazing

was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him "get over it" as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit

to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it's about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can't understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity

we weren't the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

but I want to tell them
that all of this ...
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there's something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they were wrong"
because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don't worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me

of course
they did

but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.

Woohoo SundayStream!

Sat Sep 21, 2013, 10:40 AM

It's sunday! Join me for a stream! :D ;)

I had over 100 almost 200 notes in my dA -mostly I've been inactive and the other part you know - SICK -

Now, I got a lot of problems, I'm sure you are all aware of that - 
So, I'm opening commissions and I'm making a sheet. 

For now, I open only 1 commission at the time


'I'm forgetful.'
'I get sick suddenly and forget (again) and disappoint people - and that's not what I want.
'I have along other syndromes: "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" - reasons WHY I'm inactive suddenly for long periods of time. I need rest and I can sleep for days on a row, I'm not kidding you here, I'm struggling with it since 2006 and still going. It means when I put effort in 'work' I get easy tired out and it takes me over 4 days to recover and sometimes weeks. Going to the supermarket is for me a 'hell' because I'm to tired and way to weak. That's why 1 commission at a time.'
'Did I mention I'm forgetful?'

I lost my map during 'moving' it all happened to fast, so I lost a few clients, their names and their commissions, not to mention some were finished and my drive was crashed.

So, I went through a lot of notes and it's horrible for me that I can't remember and that I didn't gave a 'swift' and 'fast' reply, since I'm not all the time on dA, FA, Inkbunny - whatever the case. You can contact me more on FaceBook the link is at the left - because it's connected to my phone, I forget less if you use that option.
Because it 'beeps' and wakes me up. 

So, all I can do right now are 'sketch commissions'

I'm not going to 'enter' digital right now - I'm afraid to make mistakes - and I'm still recovering from 'a lot' of things that happened recently (Ferret-loss, new syndrom RLS and the return of the tumor)

So far I don't need to get to worried about my leg, I got medication and we'd look how that would turn out.
The tumor however, I need to be in observation for over 2 weeks, treatment and everything included - but I can't afford it. 

I'm living on 'pocket fruit' as food or 'nothing' at all. 
When a Belgium friend invites me, then most of the time they invite me to dinner and I'm very thankful for that. But the worst part is that I get sick afterwards, my stomach doesn't want to cooperate with me - for years now - but it's now getting worse - because of the medication - so I take a lot of Omneprazole to up to 120 MG. That's bad, trust me. 

So - without further 'whining' of myself.

I want 
1. If I owe you, contact me - please on FaceBook - I can see those messages better. 
2. Be patient, it will come to you - 'LAW OF ATTRACTION' If you want it - you must believe in it ;)
3. Don't use 'difficult' words. My english is 'Standard' I've noticed that the past few weeks.
4. IF you have a commission - REMIND me in a soft/gentle matter - I don't want to stress myself out - thinking the client is horribly upset with me. It makes me want to crawl back into bed and not move for many days - So please BE GENTLE. 
5. Sit back and relax.

LiveStream one of the many questions I got in my notes.

I'm not going to promise - but I will go back to sketching busts - online in a 'hopefully' not so far away future...
But I will Livestream soon - Don't forget - I live in a student house - So it's difficult sometimes for a good connection. Thank you *sarcasm* Mother and Katty that I'm in this position. 
So again, please be patient with me. 

Now I only open 1 slot right now and that's a sketch in my sketchbook commission.
If you like the sketch and I go back 'digital' you can ask me to 'continue' it. But so far - I only like my sketched work and not my digital works.

My eyes have difficulties 'adjusting' sometimes - it's horrible with those screens - I do must say.
I'll make a 'price sheet' soon too, but I have no idea what my art is worth - I work sometimes many hours on it... and sometimes it looks so horrid that I scratch the first idea off. 

So ok, 
A sketch commission of ONE character is 12$ 
First one who asks - will the first one to be served.

Just comment on the journal.

Again, because some people inform me that people still say I'm asking for 'Donations'
I'd like to point out, what you just read is the first time me mentioning that word in the entire journal. I'm not asking for it.
If you want to donate - go for it - it's up to you - I'm not a LAZY bum that GETS what SHE wants because someone else works SOOOOO hard for it and never GETS what IT wants. If you think like this about me, 'fine' I can't change your opinion about me. But I can prove that I'm not a liar - and don't ask extra money to go on 'trips' and a 'certain themepark' 

So if you think like that about me - Then I'd wish you'd carry a few seconds of the pain - I'm not going into self pity mode - I have heard enough the past weeks - months how others tell me 'My life is worse than yours'
Good, I know that everyone has a different life, I respect that, I think of all the children who are now in poverty, bad family, handicapped, who are now living in a world that's facing total 'destruction' of the planet. Wildlife slaughtered for our own consumption, forest torn down so we'd have furniture. I haven't met many people when I was in the protest against the slaughtering of Dolphins in Brussels.

Not many people CARE about WHERE they are STANDING on this PLANET - This is everyone's home - so serve one and another - love one and another. Because it comes all in the same big bowl anyway. 

Now I'm going to ask to DONATE but not for me. Save the Dolphins from the people who are slaughtering them right now in Taiji.
I did my part, I stood there in Brussels and I donated what I could, (yeah you read it right) .
I had a verbal fight with WWF in Antwerp who sell 'key chains' to adopt a Tiger, Dolphin, Panda etc.
First of all, when they said: 'We are helping dolphins' I said: BULL$h!t! Go to TAIJI! Your boss earns millions of $ a year. (His respond: Well he deserves it) If I were him, I'd donate that money that's been earned - so all those companies like Greenpeace - WHERE are you? 

Seriously - So next time if someone says to me: 'You and your self-pity!' I'm thinking more about the planet than myself - the past I took more care of my family than myself...

So now without further baby-rant 
Share this LINK to everyone you know - to help Ric'O Barry to help the dolphins! 

This is the official site - so don't worry if your money is lost to a company who is taking advantage of it.

Save what you can save on this planet because they are for our children and our children's children... Let them have a better world than we are having now...


- K

Just let me be quiet for a while...

Fri Sep 13, 2013, 2:56 PM

Things aren't so good lately, the tumor is growing again, I worked so hard, yesterday my ferrets finally came home...
But, ... It didn't went well, 
Akemi is a deaf pup and Madoka didn't like being 'home' with me.
She started to attack Akemi and me...

Akemi refused to eat and this morning I had to take her out of the cage because Madoka was attacking her again so I took the grateful pup to my small room above and placed her next to me, those glimming thankful eyes fell soon asleep.

But she refused to eat and so I had no choice to give the raged Madoka and the hungry pup back for a while to Margiet.
Before we went into the car, Madoka attacked my face and bit without letting go my left eyelid. I can't open my eye for the moment...

It occurred to me, she doesn't want to be with me anymore... So, later Margiet said it's better that Madoka, who now sleeps happy in her 'group', to let her stay forever at Margiet.
And because, Akemi had a shock it's better she stays with the other pups, which crushed me.

I lost both of my ferrets... 

Then they say: 'We'll give you next year two new pups how about that?'

... I don't want new pups, I wanted Madoka back in my life, but Madoka isn't my Madoka anymore... She turned into a 'ferret' I don't recognize anymore, she was this 'sweet, cuddly, loving, likes to be alone, loves learning tricks, ferret.
Now she's a group ferret that loves to be with her friends and play tricks on people... Just like ferrets are, she's still friendly and cuddly.

She bit me at the BBQ of the ferret Union. A softly one, but this morning, that bite, was a 'I want to go home and be left alone by you bite'

I waited 8 months to finally be united with Madoka and Akemi and now ... It was the only thing to hang on too.

I got chased out and live in a crappy place, barely have food to survive on and if I have food it's difficult to eat it - or I'm not that hungry - or I get sick afterwards because I'm used to live on 'fruitpockets'...

I don't have this: 'I'm in the mood to eat 'this' feeling' and my taste buds just don't want to cooperate with me anymore. So everything taste 'just' the 'same'.

To me, Madoka was my child, but Katty, Josie and my brother treated my ferret horrible... They threw her, kicked her if she 'smelled' to much put the cage before my 'temporary' small/packed room - I would come out - hit her cage and she would look at me like: 'I don't know why they put me here...'

So, I had no choice to put Madoka in a facility that takes care of ferrets - after Steve horribly harmed me with horrible words that drove me crazy and Katty threw me from the one room to the other I ran away to the USA - I got back and I had less than a month to move and all I could find in my small budget is this 'horrible' place. It's something, ... but I'm very unhappy... I'm alone - got barely someone to talk to, there days I talk with no one. I don't feel like taking care of myself anymore, I don't cook, I don't feel like cooking, I don't feel like doing anything, ... I don't see a point anymore... so

I looked forward to Madoka, she got pregnant so she had to stay at the facility... So it took longer than expected... so when finally, I had someone to take care for... Someone to love and a pup that teach and help growing up to be a wonderful ferret...

Madoka, got in her cage and she started to get on a rampage and then attacking Akemi so harsh... I really had a friday the 13th bad day, I kept crying the moment I got back home and ripped the cage apart, put everything that had ferret wise something to do away out of my sight even removed 'like' pages of 'ferrets'

I'm not going to get 'new' pups next year - Madoka and Akemi is not something you replace like a battery, I know they meant well...

I feel like I lost a child, I nurtured Madoka, ... she was so small - to weak - to young to be sold - I could choose between a healthy sable or a weak Dark Eyed White. And I have chosen ... Madoka...

I gave her kittenmilk every 4 hours and stayed home to monitor her for 2 weeks and then she tagged along with me the moment she was strong enough to be my companion... 

I feel like shouting: 'What do you want from me, I lost everything, my family, my belongings, my health, my way of living, my creativity, returning cancer and now my precious pets, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!?????'

Seriously, ... I have a breakdown - so I'm sorry... I'm going to be quiet for a while... Hope I wont do stupid things to myself... Because they were all I had - my only reason to stay on this fucking piece of shit that's 'life' ...

If this is 'over dramatic' then fucking think how you felt when you lost a pet... a loved one, your home, ... I went through it all... I'm a cursed person...

- K

I need help, I think...

Mon Aug 5, 2013, 12:05 PM

I'm not asking any 'Donations' anything but I felt like telling a bit of my situation

I have recently problems with 'walking' it's difficult for me to walk to the shop and because I live on my own I can't do much - I recently started working again but max 4 hours and sometimes even that is to much for me.

because I can't sit that long anymore either - I was in the hospital and previous 2 times as well.
1st they thought it was the tumor but everything seems in order but I'm afraid it might have something to do with it (my opinion)

my brother is right, i can't take care of myself, I'm alone in a small student studio that was the cheapest I could afford,

I'm sad and lonely and I don't feel the strength to even talk about it - it's been like my strength is gone completely

i have no food for the moment cause all i do is enough work for an add-company.

Not many seemed to be interested in the commissions I offered, so I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom - talk about 'Karma' right?
I wish, I wish some solution would come, I know no one except my family in the neighborhood but they have their own problems...

I wish I wasn't this sick... I wish...

I'm willing to do some commissions on livestream and chat a bit how about it?
I don't know anymore what to write - all news I have isn't that great - ...

However - what ya think of my small comeback?

Commissions are in progress but I got problems with "sitting" right now - I had surgery - that's all I'm going to say...

I'll be opening the commissions + making of for YouTube as an extra soon enough.

I really am trying the best I can...

Hope you all are doin' great.

Big kissssiee 


You can ask some questions :3

- K
  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Reanji's sweet words
I get easy hurt, that's a fact, but I've always been super nice to everyone and then to get this 'comment' that makes me go like: 'Excuse me?'

I noticed I'm not 'good enough' for a while anymore, everything has been 'dead' so ...

I'm sorry that -
- I have cancer
- I have a heartcondition
- I just got out of an abusing family and recently moved on my own didn't had the space or anything to draw do my job
- That I'm not a STUCK UP spoiled brat artist like most artist that 'THINK' they are popular.

Yes I said it, I'm tired of the 'I'm better then you' - attitude around me, so if you can only be kind to people that have something to 'offer' you and you plan NOT to return any gratitude, than I want those people out of my life.

I offer friendship and what I expect back is at least respect.

Like I said, I've been a true "has-been" isn't it... All because my illness isn't so kind to me, people drop me one after the other because I don't offer anything 'useful' anymore...

It's times like these you see who truley are your friends.

I'm shutting down all the accounts for a while. Only  way to contact me is fB - I'm not good enough, I get the message... Thank you for rubbing it in.

- S
As you read in previous journal, 'lil (young) Acer is no longer able to work aside with me, so I've been looking around for laptops and what not, cause working as a freelance artist is kind of the only income I have.

We're half the month and I notice I'm really tight and I mean, not just a little... tight... no food ...

It comes to a point I have nothing left anymore, now my sister gave some money to get a laptop but I'm not sure if it's 'strong' enough and also with the 'fees' from 'paypal' I'm over 50 euro's short.

Not only that, ... like I said, I'm really tight right now, I missed my 5th chemo and soon my 6th, it comes to the point my doctor called asking if everything is alright, I'm afraid 'not'.

So far, no growth has been detected but the heart problems are still there and will get monday another investigation, there moments I can 'deal' with the pain but I've noticed I'm sleeping a lot from a pure 'exhausting' body.

Now, I've been thinking a lot to get back into a 'study' rhytm so I need to get a laptop anyway, I'm thinking to study for 3-D
Because I'm still not allowed to work "fulltime" that's why I'm working "part-time" as Freelance artist.

I'm working now for a small company (not a big pay) that I'm not allowed to mention to which projects I'm working on. It's 'something'
Not much but 'something'
It's a company that does adds for other company's and I just need to use photoshop-manipulating skill that I was thought years ago in school. So again it's not much but something... (Zoidberg Voice: Huraay, she got a job) doing such a job really doesn't pay much but like I said, it's something... *sighs*
t just covers my rent for the moment... But if I want to keep this job I need a laptop, I'm on one of my roomies laptop but it's just a 'school laptop' not a 'working laptop'

I told you before, I don't dare to ask for donations but I'm going to open a few slots for commissions, probably sketch ones that can be 'upgraded' LATER to digital artworks (if the clients want it of course)

So one is a bidding one (new one) that will be (upgraded later when I get back a laptop)

If you choose for a romantic pose I'm charging 35€ because the anatomy is more difficult than playful poses. I've already had a lot of problems in the past with certain poses -hence I don't do PRON commissions... I'm unpatient when it comes to 'these' kinds of poses.

Regular Commissions (You can choose from either 1 character the total will be 25€ for an extra character it will be 32€)
:iconxd-385: PAID - Sketched
:icongamemastersimon: Have the information - Need contact
:iconkustin: : PAID - Awaiting information
TheGreenDragoon: Finished 4 of 6 pony commissions - 2 need more design instructions - upload is for later
Design for Justin's character: 'Finished 80 percent'

No slots open

Bidding Commission 01 PROGRESS:
:iconrushforza: 'Finished Sketch' - awaiting laptop for continuation

NEW BIDDING COMMISSON 02: Starting BID 20 euro's

(explanation of BIDS
The bidding commission is very special, if you look at the left on my page you see 'Kiss of a Mermaid' this is one of the most detailed commissions I've ever made...
That's what I'm offering in the BIDDING commission.
Two characters, inked, collored, shaded, bg, special effects and I'll give the PSD - if the winner wants. I'll livestream every time I'm working on the commission.)

FOR SALE: 'PSD of PRINCESS LUNA for AUCTION' MIN bid is 20 euro's AUTOBID is 100 euro's.
It becomes your image and you can sell prints of it. Just place 'autobid' if you think it's worth it. Every increase is 1 euro min

AUCTION - LUNA MLP photo 382616_461472877270026_808136037_n_zps9196181d.jpg

Sketch Commissions (8 euro's each upgrade + 20 euro's when computer is availeble)

Slots add in note if you want upgrade or not.


:heart: GIFTS

It's a secret or else it's no gift.

:star: TRADES

None for the moment

:bluepoint: REQUEST

Don't take Request

:star: DESIGN a character for me - Contact me for details

Thanks for reading x

- S


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I noticed the weather is really strange lately over the entire world. It's cold here and than the next day it's so hot that my laptop started to 'smell' really weirdly...

So, preparing everything to work (even though I got the news to 'move' soon to some place else)
I start up photoshop and sai, my computer just crashed. It felt like it burned in the inside.

So I go to the Mediamarkt here, to hear I lost my warrently.
Simply (if those still remember) my screen was broken by accident by dad. But he bought the same screen model and replaced it.

So when I brought in my laptop they noticed it and said this isn't right anymore and I can't fix it at their shop unless I pay a lot of money for it. So I took option two to go to a computer-store

They called a few hours ago saying that my laptop's motherboard is damaged, the ventilation system is all broken and partly melted.

To fix that they adviced me: 'Just get a new laptop'

I'm on one of my roomies computer to write this ...
So, I got adviced to get a new one but I can't even afford a 'second-hand' one.

So Myriam (my mother) has my purple one but she wont give it back, neither the laptop is (not anymore) strong enough to handle Photoshop. That's why I have this one.

I got this one as a gift from a client and I have to mail him about the 'short life' of this laptop. I always took such good care of it. It's an Acer (though they said get an Asus) but in the shop I was like: 'Ok, which one was is? They both sound the same of name'
They were cheap both of them for what they can do.

My laptop could handle working in photoshop in very high resolution, music, second screen was playing movie or livestreaming.
My other laptop's couldn't handle the 'abuse' of myself. People keep advicing 'Get a Desktop'
But if you all remember the problem that they were going to get our stuff and my 'Desktop' was one of the items the goverment took, I decided to go all 'laptop' cause that one I could 'hide' easily.

I have no clue what to do.

To reply someone's question here: 'Why are you not doing your chemo's'

Simply I can't afford them anymore, if I get sick, I get sick, I have no clue anymore what I can do.
I'm tired of 'asking' money, I'm ashamed of myself. I lost 2 friends cause of it. One of them makes 'mock-up' accounts to attack me with them causing me more grief in myself.

Beeing more ashamed ... I don't know what to do, my stepmum said: 'You better off doing 'online work' than going to get a job or studies'

Looks like my USA plans are not going to happen. Since my dad is 'residentional' and not a 'citizen' so it might take a long time before I'm accepted.

Health seems to be a bit better as long as I don't stress myself like I'm doing now. Sleep seems to be the only thing that is helping me...


I don't know what to say or to 'do' to be honest...

Can't accept commissions if I can't work on a computer now can I? ... Unless you don't mind waiting...
Please don't ask me to ship your laptop to my country, I think it's a nice offer but I had already a few times people send me things and I have to pay a lot of 'entery' fee to get it in our country... Sounds stupid but *sigh*

*thunks head*

- S


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:star: EDIT...

Not ME but HER ->…
She has less then a week to move out and she has no money, she's being kicked out...
I know how that feels (you all know I went through it recently myself...) , can you guys please help spreading the journal for this girl or helping her, she sells very cheap commissions and it looks like in my opinion she's very talented! Please help her. It would make a pretty birthday gift for me by just spreading this :heart: ... xxx

- S


Well it's been a really tough week. I had to visit often the ER cause of often the pain stings got so horrible I could barely breath. One time my left arm became a bit numb and I panicked and went with a cab to the ER. So yeah I kind of blew my food money into taking a cab since Ambulances are very expensive...

So... ahum...

I don't feel like talking what all happened because honestly everything seems like a blur. I slept a lot and when I was awake I was at the ER... So everything else I did is really vague...

All I know is thanks to a medication 'Sintrom' my heart is doing better. Since yesterday I can walk back the stairs without getting all tired after halfway through.

The pains will be Chronicle though... *sighs*
But the bloodclunts are gone.

The painful blood taking out of my wrist was the "cherry top" of a wonderful week...

So yeah I'm now 'version 3.0' or I'll say I turned for the second time 29
I can't believe time is flying by so fast.

I noticed a lot of people are worried. I'm really sorry I'm not 'responsive'
I checked even the gallery today and just one page further is art from 2010 - 2011
Shook my head a few times that I realised that my creativity is gone really below compared to the past were I pushed myself to finish atleast ONE artwork a day. Those who knew my "Angel-Paws' dA spot know what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to find all scraps of my old artworks since the drive is 'dead'

So yeah. if the pain keeps being numbed like this I hope to be back in action next week... I seriously am hoping that.

Thanks for reading. x


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Looks like I have days that are good and days that are bad...

I guess this will be a 'Time Out' week for me.
I'll try explaining why, I suffer for almost a week now from horrible 'chest pains'

I already went to the doctor since they started almost 2 months ago but were 'iregular'
After the check up they noticed my heart skipps over a few times. Nothing to worry about.

So from time to time I had those pains.
Now the day before yesterday I had to lay an entire day (also yesterday) in bed. My body wouldn't allow anything.
I dragged myself to go outside and I came home 'out of breath' in a lot of pain and the moment I placed myself down I felt my body was under attack. Today it "seemed" less.

I woke up and decided to take a nice 'cool' shower but halfway through ... the pains came back even right now the pains are horrible.
A few people called already on my cellphone to ask what's up with me.

So I decided to write this journal.
I'm skippin' for the 3rd time my chemo because I can't aford it.

By writing this I'd like to 'press' myself on I haven't asked for donations in quite some time. Someone (and I know who) decided to attack me during a livestream moment.
I haven't drawn much the past months for almost 10 months if I'm correct.

Yes, my art looks horrible yes, I know, keep pushing it in my face, becoming 30 and I haven't achieved 0
I haven't asked donations for a long time. Yes it's there below but I'm not asking.

Oh... I should be dead by now too...

Seriously... my health isn't well... But keep doing it... Really... Keep attacking, it makes a lot of people laugh.
Maybe one day 'I'll be gone' and then those words you've said... Will hurt you back.

Honestly I don't care... I'm not whining to get donations to get my chemo's, hah - man this week I'm missing my 3rd.
I'll do it myself with working with my 'crappy artwork and my crappy textures'

So, I don't need to be famous, special or anything else for that matter.

I'll just go on my own flow...

I'm just doing it on my own ritme, being myself. If you can't handle it. Your problem...
Not mines anymore...

I guess most of you fallow me for many years that my health hasn't been the 'best' for a long time.


I start to wish for the 'end' when I read things like this how people treat one and another... You get that famous 'meme' in your head.
'I don't want to live on this planet anymore'


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Livestream is ON

The bidding commission is very special, if you look at the left on my page you see 'Kiss of a Mermaid' this is one of the most detailed commissions I've ever made...
That's what I'm offering in the BIDDING commission.
Two characters, inked, collored, shaded, bg, special effects and I'll give the PSD - if the winner wants. I'll livestream every time I'm working on the commission.

Or I'll record it and put it on youtube later.

3 slots open.
I'll draw anything (except PRON) yes this includes I'll draw humans from now on too... Anything...
Inked, collored, shaded simple BG

You can choose from either 1 character the total will be 25€
for an extra character it will be 32€

If you choose for a romantic pose I'm charging 35€ because the anatomy is more difficult than playful poses. I've already had a lot of problems in the past with certain poses -hence I don't do PRON commissions... I'm unpatient when it comes to 'these' kinds of poses.

Every saterday I'll livestream for busts who'll remain 10$ as they were in the past. I think that is fair enough...

What's to gain out of it, everyone who buys one will help me to continue my chemo and help me to keep living on my own...
I don't want to return to my mother or anyone else for that matter...

:star: Bid :star: starts @ 20€ current high bidder : 30 € by :iconrushforza:

Regular slots + progrss
1. :iconkustin: - awaiting instructions
2. :iconrushforza: - awaiting instructions
3. :iconxd-385: - awaiting instructions - discussing


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I was wondering if you guys would be intersted to buy a sketchbook of 80 pages of me on
I might plan, i'm not certain yet to put a comic for sale on or if anyone else has a nice publishing idea online...


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Tell me, you think I'll ever stand a chance with my art? It's ...
Upon an unfortunate series of events, I feel ... really broken, I have a lot of questions with: 'Why that artist and not me?'
I stand often in the comic shop wondering how some artist got the 'job'

And I wonder what it is with those promisses: 'You'll get a job, just keep drawing for us'
So fine I do that and boom... Steal my ideas and no reply or anything anymore.

So I wonder, I told my stepmum 'I just want a job' I don't need a job that's in the artist destrict, because I know how much I suck...
But I keep wondering: 'Why, just why... do people do that over and over with me...'

I try drawing more humans lately, anatomy wise, I know it's not on dA... I don't think it's something to be 'that' proud of
So I wonder... I always dreamed about a future as comic artist.

But I just don't feel that energy anymore after that many rejections...



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Thanks guys, seems the staff noticed it, :3
allthough I wonder if I have a problem since I don't get that many comments on my own work - journals like I used too... Wich is really weird...

Seems Loish isn't the only one who has this problem, I noticed it myself too...
It seems a friend of mine has this problem too: :iconevana: her watchers are almost all gone...

loish only got helped when more voices are heard. If possible can you do the same for Evana?
Thanks for reading this if possible SPREAD it. If you see yourself 'watching' her still check if you are on the list - if not - remove and REWATCH, that fixes the problem :3

So please spread it to help her. :3


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So, hello everyone, it seems that a lot of people are asking: 'What up Dog!'

Hmmm, yeah let's see I return a lil 'hazy' with an angered journal update cause someone is making journale asking them to spread them around to tell I'm a fraude and all while I have people that MET me in RL 'Bronies' from Netherlands, Belgium and also recently my dear friend Hakim, who I'm proud to call 'A brother' like 'Kenny'. A few people I have met in the USA who's username's I don't know. They were super long and sometimes I met so many people that I had difficulties to keep up the chats... If you feel like shouting it out, go ahead! Tell me how 'dazed off' I looked like
I met a lot of new people which was awesome but unfortionatly, I never made it to Key West... Even if I had a Key West Express boat just right next to me.

I stayed with my dad on a boat and enjoyed it. Knowing dolphins were around me but so far all I saw were fins... far away. Tough my dad calls now and goes: 'OMG KARINE THEY ARE JUMPING LIKE 50 M AWAY FROM ME! OMG THIS ONE 20M!'
So yeah,

Lets start with good news; ummm I'm moving next wednesday 1st may to my duplex, what's a duplex? Well it's not luxerious as it sounds...
I have two small floors, my work floor (no TV or couch) and my bedroom floor - private place. Madoka's allowed to live with me, I can't wait to pick her up, my little baby is turning in may 1 year old!
She was pregnant but... TT_TT ... So but I worked really hard to get this Duplex. It's a cheap rent. I share the bathroom and kitchen with other people in the home. Because I could not aford a regular appartment... So I got myself a 'STUDENT' home and decided to become a student again... Since they wont let me WORK! All I can do is wait for a job offer in USA or a study position but things don't go smooth. It's not like you are accepted and -bada bing bada boom- you got your work visa, a place to stay (with your pet allowed of course - and afordeble) plust healthcare...

About my tumor, so far it's been stabelised, it shrunk in total 2.7 CM that's almost half a thumb or for most almost a pink, if you have small hands like me...
(I got small hands) so that news is exiting...
Now, my doctor checked and compared my blood and she shook her head, I'm short of Vitamins but I get montly a vitamin shot, so we can't overdose it. My skin, in the past everyone, or most of you all, know I was diagnosed with Skin Cancer witch eventuelly turned out to be a DISORDER, but I was TREATED as a cancer patient for that. (No, can't sue...)
So my skin is actuelly very fragile. It takes sometimes 'months' for a wound to heal. Moquito bites are one of those I really try to avoid sometimes the year next they are still there... NOT kidding. that's what the mis diagnoses did for me... Broke my skin...

Now in USA, I noticed my wounds healing a lot faster and with comparing the blood we noticed we miss a lot of Vitamin D,
the only way to get that without 'overdosing' is go to a tan salon. I hate tanning salons, but so far, I just go for 5 min (loooong 5 min in my opinion) but the results are there. The wounds heal... So tadaaaaaaaaaaaa, my skin wants sun but I burn and get Sunstroke's how odd is that?
(also the damn mosquito's returned...)

So the .... bad news?

I went last week 'COLD TURKEY' on my medication for my condition. I'm diagnosed now with 'Borderline' including 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' and when I read it I felt like: 'F THIS, ENOUGH!' I felt like, this is going from ok to bad and from bad to worse and from worse to what the F@#$ is this $h!t?!!!'
In USA, I felt strong, confident but the moment I returned I felt like slacking off... and I was slacking off... (allthough finding a place to stay in less then a week is like... hard looking, since the other apartment was to good to be true... and it turned out to be a con too,...)

So yeah, I went 'cold turkey', going now with a horrible infection in my stomach right now. My entire body is right now ... Going weird, yesterday I looked so pale that I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breath...
But in USA I bought this : 'EZ Breathe Atomizer' (I hope to be able to order more of those bags; they are really good...) and I used it and like after 15 min of shaking like a rattlesnake, I could breathe, I started to get red cheeks again... my lungs opened...
So the housedoctor told me today that I'm taking a 'bold risk' doing this 'Cold Turkey' thing
Don't forget, I have Asthma and there is right now 5 cats in this apartments. NONE of them are mine... and I'm allergic to cats even though I love them so much... Not to mention Sheba skrathed me... and if a cat skrathes me... The wound isn't a pretty sight...

But yeah, lets say... It's getting there... Except for the bill I just got. I had help from friends and I worked on pony commissions with the laptop/mouse (my screen was broken but dad fixed it, I still got the picture of hell-laptop on FB) it's not easy... It truly isn't...

I'm seeming to dissepoint people again with probably 'quiting' another comic. Yes, the Walibi one... 'Nightmare in Shimmeria'
Why, for copyright reasons... Oh no, I can work with the CDA characters as much as I want as long I don't sell anything.

It's because my idea's I mentioned last year to a worker in Walibi was actuelly placed into 'reality' and that wasn't just a simple idea... It was just ... 'why?' they even IGNORE me; so that makes me think: 'They know!!!' and you can fool me for a long time but this was to much since the sentence: 'There's room in Walibi's Universe' is haunting me...
So I realised something about myself... I should stop spreading my idea's... So yeah, probably 'Nightmare in Shimmeria' will be offline untill I'm sure they can't STEAL...
Like for instance, I'm not braging or showing myself off. A gallery would like to publish my artwork and said to my stepmum: 'I haven't seen such a good artist for a long time' in DISNEY DOWN TOWN. Nope, after that compliment I didn't jump in the air, I stayed off the pink clouds. I have this: 'when I see it, I'll believe it' feeling. I've saw things in Disney Down Town (free area btw) that I did not understood how these artist... got their stuff published!

But just a photoshoped guitare with a bg you find simply by typing in google: 'Wallpaper Sunset' is pasted in it and is sold for over 3000 copies to 20$ a piece...

Where is the logic in this? That work must have taken like MAX 2 hours if you worked with a MOUSE.

So, yeah my stepmum went up to a few workers showed my work and they gave their cards... So that was, nice... it's not an "ego booster" or anything it's just: 'They like my stuff???? Seriously?????????????????? ummm ok, I guess I need to continue then...'
my stepmum said: 'I think you should continue in what you do.'
It seems I'm more build for that, altough... I want to use my hands for other jobs too, you know... I don't mind to get them dirty...
My right hand is full with scars and bruises and my left one has a weird 'bone bump' on it but that doesn't mean I can't work, I want to work... It's just that DAMNED doctors record keeps fallowing me and that's why I went 'COLD TURKEY'!

I want a job so badly! I want it, I want it, I'm tired of living like this. I can't aford anything. I'm glad to have a laptop but that's all I have...
I don't have fancy clothing, I don't have fancy shoes, I don't have a fancy bed (I'm going to live somewhere where furniture is included BTW) I don't have this nice 'life' people keep talking about, like 'omg' she's going on a vacation, seriously? After going through hell with my mother, brother and the one I trusted so much I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get out of here, I needed a solution, I needed to know my family that TRULEY loves me! Not the other part of my family that uses me for every penny I GOT!... Really, yes, I get help and I'm grateful for every suport I get.
I'm grateful for a lot of things. I'm glad I can still breathe, I'm glad the tumor is shrinking softly... (Lets hope it continues) I'm glad for so many things, I try to talk to everyone everywhere but a part of me is so frightened. Because first of all... I'm scared to loose more friends, especialy for those you've trusted for years but then you find out by an accedent they are back trash talking about you...
And then you keep trying but it just doesn't work, it's not the same anymore, you turn even more into your own 'world'
My world was 'dead' because of all those medications.
I had a huge depression and it got worse by fears and worse and worse and what did the doctors do ... and I let them?
Gave me higher doses; 'oh lets try this medication, or this one... Yes, this one should work.' I became a zombie and not a 'COOL' one.

If I see my gallery to my creativity compared to 2005 - 2008; to now? I'm 'DEAD'
All I seem to draw is the same thing over and over again... and that sucks man... I used to draw traditional and my artwork had more soul in it. Now it just looks plain DEAD to me. I'm ashamed of my work, I'm ashamed someone says: 'What potentional you've got'
Yeah, maybe you think that. No, I'm failing badly... and I didn't want that. 'Cold Turkey' with that $h!t, quit it... Ok, I'm suffering a lot right now... Fever, anxiety, anger, sadness but also HAPPYNESS and that feeling I haven't had like... *hits head* years????

That's what I want, I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy everything what's going on. It finally is making me happy to read those nice comments... Everything seemed to me for the past 3 to 4 years: 'DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD - ... DEAD!!!!'
I still think I'm no good for nothing but now I feel this emotion... it's been such a long time that I could drink something and actuelly ... TASTE THE FLAVOR of it... and treasure that moment. Like OMG this chicken is BEST chicken I've every TASTED!) Yeah that's what Anti-Depressants; Anti-Anxiety, Anti-harming etc what I all took you don't want to know, if you wanna know the link to 'TRUE STORY' is still online. The pictures are still on it.

A lot of us need to deal with this emotion on our own instead of 'numb' it out... I realised that the hard way.
To loose friends and then feel ... nothing...
But yeah, you kind of start thinking 'dead' if you live with your mum on the age of 'almost 30' and she expects you to be with her 'forever' and chase every friend you make in your life away from the appartment. Because you are her 'precious donkey that $h!t$ gold.

Now, I feel a lot of regret, understanding and kindness but also a lot of anger. Anger towards 'them' and anger towards 'myself'
For doing what 'others' told me to do. For letting doctors decide how to run my life instead of listning to other people.
But even though I have regret the way things are I have to think: 'I have no regrets' or I can't move on with my life...
All I can do now is to look forward and improve myself, it's going to be damn hard. But hey, like my stepmum says: 'Rome isn't build on one day.'

So yeah... I know a lot of you seem to ... hate me for some reason cause someone decided to say bad things about me. Again those people don't know me.

If you are going to a Brony Meeting in Belgium, I'll be in Leuven 15th of May and I'll try to attend more Brony Meetings and hopefully soon Artist Conventions. IF I can afford a table...

Because right now, I miss calculated BADLY. I thought I could deal with all of this... But no, my pocket can't deal with it, I'm afraid...
So yeah, I'm going to look for a working wire for my tablet and get to work ASAP.

I'll earn my title...

Now, that should do it... Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm not in controle of some emotions right now... But I'm doing my best...
I'll try be more 'open' and 'talk active' to you people. I'm not like 'some' artist ;)
I'm grateful for everything and I'll be always there for a chat


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Here we go
I will be availeble to talk once I find my mic... it's somewhere...

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I wonder if I have the same problem... If some of the watchers 'died' or something...

Now ummm something really different then usual...

I signed today my contract... I'm moving on my own - 1 May I got my own place! Isn't it wonderful, sure it's small but cozy!
I'll have Madoka back with me... I'll be so happy and of course afraid... Afraid to be on my own ... But that's alright, right?

Man, you gonna see a buttload of new artwork and I can continue the Walibi comic and continue the commissions since the place I'm at, lacks space. I have no computer desk, just the ground and if you have allergies for cats and right now there like 5 cats a dog and 2 hamsters in the living, my medication says: 'F u, I'm out of here...'

So that's been the problem, I heard complains, yeah, I know, but the work is done exept I'm looking for one person who ordered a picture of him kneeling down and kissing my characters hand. Whoever ordered that please stand up? I can't find the name anymore...

Did people notice on FB I'm taking pictures of my artwork? Yeah, no scanner right now. Everything is packed and ready to go.
Besides my tablet; it's not 'broken' it's the wire that doesn't want to coperate anymore...
And I find a wire that looked like it but it doesn't seem to work...

Right now I didn't had any time to look around to find it either... First, no credit, I'm going to have to start working as full time artist for a while since I have no good income, it just covers up my rent so yeah... Heh, I need to get everything together and work...

So yeah, harrr...

What else, nothing I supose, my tumor seems stabelised... No growth for the time being... so yeah, just my doctor is leaving the hospital and I'm getting a new one (although I had him before but it's ok) so I'm curious...

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