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Good Gods with the highest Stars above us ...

It's been a real ... treat - I was in the US - I got home - I got kind of wiped out, my body just ... collapsed from exhaustion, so it's now a week almost, I arrived Saturday, so it's a week I'm out of the US and I honestly want to get back ... 

Belgium is just ... not my place I guess, but enough of that ...

I think you all are noticing, I picked up the pen, ...
I have a livestream session with Yuurikin, I need to finish her YCH-Commission and a few others, so those are my priorities, in meantime I'm selling 'designs' and 'ych' - I need to get a surgery on my left eye, I'll talk about the details when I'm depressed, how about that?

I feel great, besides that I'm tired and ... it just can't get any better, ...

Just, stick with me, I'm slow but I'm doing my best ...

I really am ...
I arrived after delayed planes at morning, Myriam waiting for me at the gates - grandpa filming while she hugged me tightly. I just gave her a 'Wha-face'

I felt my inner was hurting - so I picked up my ferret Akemi and my new family-ferret-member, Kyoko - such a fragile small ferret - I looked at her in the car, while grandpa pleaded for his money for picking me up. I gave him the 50€ and begged in my mind to 'shut the hell up'.
Myriam let me go to the Aldi and I realized immediately how much more expensive it's to live here. 
I sighed and paid but my vision became bad. I kept hitting the walls, I kept rubbing my eyes, I wasn't tired, ... I didn't feel tired, I felt sad for leaving my father ... 

I didn't want to be in this country, I walked carefully towards the car and got in. Myriam could tell, 'She's exhausted.'
'No' I thought. 'I'm mentally exhausted ...'

I got dropped at my place, put the ferrets, gave Kyoko her baby-food and fell on my bed, I didn't want to un-pack my bag - I kept reminding how ... different I was in the US. 
Every moment that I went through, sad, lonely, happy exited went through my mind.

I fell in a deep sleep that would be disturbed a lot, but I didn't mind. Monday doctor, Tuesday Kevin, tomorrow doctor, is this how it all will look like in Belgium? My mind kept thinking how brave I stood on the boat, how I fought for my rights, how I responded to the snap moment of my step-mum. Just took a water-cab and drove to rent a bike ...

I kept thinking, is that person who I really am? The one who doesn't give a $h!t and does what she wants?
Or is this the one that is laying in Belgium on bed, reminiscing the past over and over.

I felt often that CFS was kicking in but I felt forced and enjoyed this energy, only to go to bed exhausted but satisfied, 
I keep thinking, 'I want to go back, to dad, to the 15th of January ...' but it's not possible ...

For the moment I need to be strong and fight, I almost forgot my laptop bag at the entrance, I'm just so ... tired inside of my mind ... How do you deal with all of this?

I hope the jet-lag will fade away in a few days, I need to draw, I need to make samples, comics and commissions, I need to work to pay off my own debts - I need to find a different place to live, living like this - is just plane ... weird ... 

What I want is what I had for a month, my dad telling me how to set the sails, how to do those things, it was exiting, an adventure, spotting wild dolphins, being close to them while they look at you from far. 

I don't feel depressed - it's just I kind of feel like a hammer hit my head with: 'It's time for BED!!!!' 

The only depressed feeling I have is just that, ... I miss my dad - ... he's so wise and he went through so much - I found out things I never knew about my dad. My dad is special and no matter what, he fought so hard ... And look at him, through all the $h!t he went through, he made it... He might be 70 but he finally has the life he wanted and yearned so much for...

I'm proud of him, but seeing him in pain makes me worry so much - I hope he's doing well alone on the boat, since Donna is right now in New York, I believe ... 

I hope to come back soon, if the doctors allow me ...

Because my future isn't in Belgium... Where, I don't know, but not in Belgium ... 
Woohoo the celebration of someone's execution ... But the hell with it, I wish you all a lot of love towards one and another and if their's a tiny bit of space for me :) ... Can I squeeze a little in to love you all back?

:heart: 

Yours to all forever - You CAN'T get RID of ME!

:heart:

Well meantime I'm at the airport - free internet - woohoo!

So, my flight is already delayed for around 2 hours, I leave to Philadelphia on 1.08 PM - I was supposed to *checks again* it's now 1.15 PM ... So I'll be leaving on 6.05 towards Brussels for an almost 8 hour flight ...
I cried like a baby when I said 'Bye' to dad - I didn't stop crying until I passed customs ... That was VERY and I mean VERY embarrassing but they are very understanding.

So my luggage is full of stuff that my friends wanted and pony's for auction on request ...
So guess what, my laundry is WITH me as HAND-LUGGAGE ... Isn't that hysterical ...
I got to get a new suitcase, my suitcase is almost 20 pounds ... 50 is the max - So, my blanket and my shower/hair stuff makes it way to much already... 

So yeah, here I sit with my dirty laundry, now Myriam (mum) is gonna pick me up - 'Here you go mum, got you a surprise, MY LAUNDRY :D
No, no no ... I do my laundry myself ... But it's funny eh? 

So, I had a great journey with being with my dad, I traveled a lot - I said 'bye' to everyone, the ocean, the boats in the harbor, the stars that I can't see at night in Belgium and especially, I was sleeping beneath 'Orion' 
And specially, my dad ... 

The steps are in process to change my name, more about that later ...
I'm going to miss the freedom that my dad gives me here - the space - the water - the dolphins - the wide open ocean ...

More about my journey later - I'll talk to you later - even though I still have to wait for 2 more hours XD

- K :heart: 
I've been doing a lot of thinking - I mean ... a lot of thinking - also listening to the critic of my step-mum and my dad.

I sailed the past few days - with my dad the ocean with his boat: 'Ruwach' after watching it 3 times - I knew how to handle the sails - I knew how to make the knots, the way of clearing ropes and most of all - helps someone in need.

I went dolphin 'SIGHT' hunting - I saw many wild dolphins - I was in the Dingy of the boat and one came so close and made a splash right next to us. 
The next day I went Manatee searching - I was in a lagoon - I was kayaking on my own - I know I'm good at kayaking, because I loved doing these things in the past - I was gone in a few seconds - I had a dolphin surprise and I tried to get closer - but thought: 'No, I'm sure it's hunting - just one fast swim under my kayak and I'll fall in the water and Gods only know what's in the water...' So I went into the cove - being quiet, holding the camera and finally I saw manatee's going to get air - I sat their quiet that I realized the thrill of ... peace - no one around you - no one shouting, no one screaming - just you and looking at a wild animal - a wonderful manatee with it's calf. 

I Kayaked softly back out and went into the ocean - having dolphins around me - I went back to my dad's boat and realized that I loved what I was doing, I was having an adventure! 

I realized that my feelings of life sucks because my environment sucks, I live in a crappy country, my mother's side of the family doesn't respect me, my ex-friend made my life a living hell online, with posting lies about me. 

I kept telling myself, 'I'm no good for anything, I can't do anything.'

You wanna know what? I'm fucking good at stuff, I can DIVE - I learned how to dive in less then 15 min and I dove with dolphins under the ocean and I enjoyed it, I went snorkeling with fish all around me. I'm alive, I'm not dead - I should stop pretending that what others say about me isn't true, it's all a lie and those people, do not deserve my attention and friendship - those people deserve the pain I'm having inside of me.

Because I touched a dolphin when I was 25ft deep. I got the talent to do something with it - I thought - I'm gonna take diving classes and study their language - study their behavior - on a boat, because I'm learning swiftly how to SAIL without complaining thoughts.
So seriously, I got potential - not only with my hands for art - but with others things.
I saw a dead 'land-turtle' at one of the islands we visited - first thing I did was bury it. I was making a grave for it while the others were taking pictures - but I felt sad for the land-turtle ... What happened with it, I thought ... So I buried it and prayed the Gods over it's soul. 

So, I can do it, it's just where I live, where I'll go to Thursday ... is depressing - cold weather - alone - doctors who are telling me: 'You can't do it.' My mother's side family who complains and use me ...

I think I belong in the ocean - I might be scared at times at it, but I loved having the wind while the boat was going through the water, with dolphins right next to you, swimming closely and making more amazing jumps - makes you appreciate 'wildlife' more than captured animals... 
We grew up seeing them in captivity that when I realized that seeing a wild dolphin is more exiting than a captured one, who's trained to do tricks, who's stuck in a pen, who doesn't have the freedom - ...
I think I know what I'll strive to, to become a person who'll study wildlife from 'afar' (Not like Steve Irwin - even though he was amazing but I'm not gonna poke with a stick!)

And you know something - I might have been spoiled this month by my dad and step-mum this month.

But they showed me - 'You can do more than they tell you. Don't let people tell you that you are worth nothing - because you can do more than you realize...'

And you know what, I'm gonna shut down for now my journal, because my dad and I are gonna go on the dingy and film wildlife here in Fort Myers.

How about that for an answer! 

HAH!


It's almost time for me to depart back to Belgium - it was an amazing month ... 
I noticed compared to last year - I'm very careful and very distrusting towards people - I have even become more suspicious of their intentions and think immediately the worst of the worst - often I seem to be right - I can't help to be ... like this - to much has happened, how hard I try not to think of the past it always plays up in a way - 

My heart rate yesterday was 120 and I became so dizzy - I almost passed out in the car - right before that I was so nervous and had anxiety issue's and felt like screaming to someone ...
So I go to the bathroom and I could see my veins 'pumping' fast in my neck ...
My step-mum is a nurse and immediatly checked the rating of my heart and it was over 120 - we got in the car and ... I almost passed out - later checked it became 110 and softly to 100 ...

I had no clue, where it came from - the anger issue, is not normal, of course I do 'assertive' things ... But it's not normal - I am not used being snarly and bitty towards people, especially towards my family ...

I think it has to do with so much facts ... Trust is for me a difficult ... situation right now ... *sighs* I don't mean too, it's just ... there ... 

Tomorrow my dad sails out with an old co-worker of him, his daughter, my step-mum, some guy named 'Al' and me - we are going to sail where the wild dolphins are - and if lucky - play with them ^-^

It's so nice to see their fins coming above the water to take a breath when the sun goes down ...
One of the peaceful moments in Fort Myers ... 
I'm not in a state that I can say: 'I'm strong.' 

So my short 'vision' of 'Do you want more?' means: 'Do you want to see more art? Do you think I'm improving or do you think - 'Shut the hell up and go watch some Anime or Family Guy to be quiet!' j/k
I want to try to do more artwork - I have so much artwork - sketches laying around - it's not funny anymore ha-ha *laughs anyway* it's just - I'm trying to find my reason to draw - I'm trying to find that ... spark again ...

So here's a little update of my trip in Orlando ... 

I have even a horrible back ache for months now - they tried removing it with this 'ipod' looking device and those patches that send electrodes, so my step-mum bought it - because it felt good at the shoulders. Later she said: 'It's a gift for you :D'

But so, I try it on my middle back for a while - result it got more worse - so we returned with the device. 
The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi sir, we bought this a few days ago 
Guy: What is the problem?
Me: It's making my back problems more painful, I have difficulties to keep my back straight, can we please return it? 

- stay with me, it's gonna turn funneh -

Guy: Our policy doesn't say: 'Money returns'
Me: Ah, is that so?
Guy: Just wait a moment - sees new potential client to sell that device. 
Me: *waits while dad is on the phone*
Guy: *returns* Wow, I see you have no troubles with your back. 
Me: I'm on the phone, I have troubles, you want to feel my pain? *I'm getting agitated* 
*meantime my step-mum went to sit down - she's very tired*
Guy: I'm willing to exchange it for *shows junk*
Me: Hold on, *has the feeling he knows I'm a tourist* 
*Goes to get step-mum*
Me: *towards step-mum* He doesn't want to refund
So my step-mum is agitated and goes like: 'WE WANT THAT MONEY BACK!'
The guy becomes ... weird 
Guy: I didn't said you wouldn't get your money back! Why did you had to get your mother? 
Me: *makes the 'Really? Seriously? Face*
Guy: Now this guy who sold it to you will be fired because he sold it for 10$ less and gave you free patches *calls his boss, he was guilt-tripping us*
*his boss comes over*
His boss is trying to give me a more expensive device and I kept saying: 'It's good for the neck but not for my back'
So the guy offers a device of 350$ which made me think... Badly...
Meantime my step-mum is looking and I sit down because I'm in so much pain.

So they take this very expensive one - put it on my shoulder - 
Me: No, not there, put it on my back.
Guy: ... Ummm Ok ...
*He puts it on my back and starts the machine*
I yelped - it was like voltage came in my back and I went almost of the chair from shock and I go like: 'STOP! IT HURTS!' I'm even close to tears.
Me: What level was this on?
Guy: Level 1 ... Girl,  you got Chronic Pains in your back!
Me: ... *thinks, that's why we got it?*
They put the devices away and immediately make a refund - with first making a fault with purchasing a new-device and then they realized - oh ... it's not a refund - so extra money was lost - but it's on refund ...

I couldn't get up from the chair and I felt like crying really badly - the pain went straight to my bum and I couldn't walk normal for a very long time - we got home after many hours and my step-mum gave me 800MG Ibuprofen 

So, knowing I need to see a doctor for this for a very long time - and I mean a very long time, the moral is - not even a device with patches will save your pains as much they are claiming it ...

So I learned now to avoid those booths on the mall - another girl tried to sell us 'Dead Sea Salt' she had this product that my step-mum went looking like: 'WOW'
I took a long bath the day before - sure I rubbed all the dirt off and that 'thing' made 'skin' come off my arm - but she kept rubbing and rubbing to show her demonstration, now I have a problem with people 'TOUCHING' me. After 2 min, I begged her to stop - my skin became red - I hate when people - touch my ... SKIN. It hurts, it becomes red - I have this condition ever since I was a kid - it was hard for me to hug people - left alone doing 'MATURE' stuff with a partner... 

So, to much info the last sentence, but the lady felt guilty but I replied to her simply: 'You showed an awesome thing there, but you talk to fast (everyone in America talks so fast I can't fallow - I need subtitles... ) 
So the lady didn't felt bad anymore, but I explained later my condition towards my step-mum. Who's a nurse and thinks that is very ... odd ...
Even though, I'm used to it, that's why my body is mostly 'covered' and you barely see - something of my body - at least THEN I can HUG someone - which is also ... RARE ...

Now - funneh story isn't it - they offered to give that 'ipod' thing that's 3 times stronger than we previously got - makes you wonder how much 'money' they make on it. But even so - my step-mum now could see how bad my condition is in my back... 
It's Chronicle and I do not know what to do about it - my doctors aren't really looking much into it - yet - and I can not afford it.

I'm invited to all of this - for those who wonder - have I visited a Disney Park? No ... nothing ... I mainly worked on artwork and visited 'Disney Down Town' to look for a key-chain of Stitch, since mines is broken T-T
We had some nice Ice Cream and then it started to rain and my dad was in a lot of pain :( 

But my dad is strong - both he and me have a high pain tolerance - we don't cry easy when it comes to 'pain' 
I'm leaving to Cozumel tomorrow - 4 days on a boat trip - to go diving and visit the Maya Pyramids. I'm very interested in that - I can not wait to see those beautiful waters again.

I'm glad that my dad and step-mum did this for me - even though that the weather is bad, I have to admit - I softly came out of my shell ...
I was in the beginning very aggravated and easy ticked off - even though, I didn't show it... 
I cooked some Belgian food dishes for both of them - they liked it - while I criticized myself that I needed spices that I couldn't find.
My dad said: 'You should have become a cook.'

I wanted that - but - past is past ... 

Fail ...

I'll be back in Belgium the 14th of February - ... I can't stay in the states 

I did however try to get a job - but I need a F1 Visa and I need to be in collage - it's all confusing - but it's fine - I understand.
I'm tired of all those rejections in my entire life - why bother - why bother trying being an artist ...

I'm glad I'll be leaving Orlando Thursday - I didn't went to any park - that was fine with me - plus I couldn't find anything that I liked to be honest to 'buy' with the little money I have. Not even a Key-Chain ... 

So yeah - I only visited Disney Down Town and passed Sea World - I looked at it - wishing that the killer whales and Tillikum will be released one day - I felt very gloomy passing it with the car ... It was so strange ...

So yeah ... I tried people - I'm discouraged right now and down - I have nothing but nightmares lately - ...
And I guess you can say, I'm very very very ... tired ...
Surprise of my parents, we are in Orlando, would anyone meet up, I can't visit the park...
This depression is killing me. I notice my dad is in a lot of pain and I can't help, I can't contact Belgium, I got a cheap throw - away phone so if I'm lost, like in Walmart, I can be reached.

I can't...  I just can't feel happy and I do not think they should try, they say I'll get 'out'
But I'm tired and I can't fight, we are going to see for Disney Casting, what to do, but my hopes are darker than the night,  ...

I want to hide, I want to be 'gone'
They believe in 'God' so much. I'm raised to believe,  but with all that happened in life and others...  what I see, I can't anymore,  I refused today to go to church, I don't want too...

Can't they see, I gave up?
I do not ask much from everyone but - I'm in the US - they have caught in Taiji Japan an Albino BABY dolphin - it's separated from it's mother - to become a 'freak show' in Taiji's Whale Museum - please - I beg of you - they caught in one day over 250 dolphins, - LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD! It's all I'm asking all of you - SHARE it

Contact these leaders and ask them to release the dolphins in Taiji and Angel with his mother:

The Hon. Shinzo Abe, Prime Minister, Japan

www.kantei.go.jp/foreign/forms…
www.facebook.com/abeshinzo
twitter.com/AbeShinzo

Ambassador Kenichiro Sasae
Embassy of Japan in the United States

2520 Massachusetts Avenue, N.W
Washington DC 20008
Tel: 202-238-6700, Fax: 202-328-2187

Dr. Gerald Dick, Executive Director
World Association of Zoos and Aquariums

www.waza.org/en/site/contact-u…

WAZA Executive Office
IUCN Conservation Centre
Rue Mauverney 28
CH-1196 Gland
Switzerland

dolphinproject.org/blog/post/t…
Yup, it's time to say goodbye to Belgium for a month - I'm not really looking forward to the journey it self because I'm in a lot of pain - the echo's didn't look good and I'm over 5000 euro's in debt because I was hospitalized and placed for a while in 1 room - including a lot of special treatments while I was 'out cold' 

None the less - nothing I can do about it - I can pay it off - 
The pain however, is something I can't deal with, I wake up with it and I go to sleep with it - my muscles from time to time feel like they want to get off my bones and I can barely move.

I don't know what's all going on in my body. Someone pointed out before my face that I'm starting to look 'older'
I just commented: 'Midlife crisis' 
I lolled when she said: 'Oh, you are around your 50's? Wow then you still look young in my book'
I just lolled ... 

I can tell you when your hips, back - the entire area - hurts so long and sometimes more and sometimes less - painkillers don't work - you have to bite it through, their's no other way to do this. I'm going to see a doctor in the US - my father paid with AirMiles my ticket - back and forth for 60$ 
We'd be in Orlando for a while - I'm not sure 'what' the plan is - my dad's knee went through an operation and I called to hear how he was doing and he told me: 'We are going to do a lot when you are here, to get you back stronger, we are going to see places.'

I've got an amazing dad ... If anyone would like to 'meet up' 
You can note me on either here or my FB www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya
It's all up to you - I still am NOT open for commissions - I've been out - IN the HOSPITAL - so please, please please understand that I'm still recovering and now ... I'm taking my laptop with the sketches of clients and do what I can - I have a brony convention going on when I'm back and a workshop to do.

Plus the website opens with two comic sections - I'm not even done with the coding of it ... 

Ummm, I so wish you all the best - see - not asking for donations BUT! 

Fallow me on Tumblrrrrrr... sahtori-kamaya.tumblr.com/

I'm still installing things - since I lost everything - but I got a gift from a client - a good computer so I hope to start SOON with 3D characters going to ANIMATION - ... I can do it with small steps ...
Apparently I still have the photoshop problem - but - I'll look into it the moment I can actuelly sit 'straight' for over 10 min. 
My back hurts so much and I'm in so much pain that I feel I'm becoming this grumpy 'ol lady.
I was lecturing kids on a party Kevin threw with his friends, some friend of Kevin got drunk, I know because she walked to me and grabbed me saying: 'I'm drunk... teeheeeee.' I sat there sober - I drew some art in the corner going: 'HISSSS at the music' and I can't drink because of my medical condition.
Now, I've been drunk at least ... when I was that age - ... not so much ... Being drunk is not really my gig - I drink only when it's holiday's and this year - nadda alcohol. But - ... BUT - I used to party - I used to be dropped off by my mum at a disco and she'd yell out of the window: 'HAVE FUN!' *drives away*
I'd stand there like: 'I want to go home, but I'm to scared to walk through the dark - even though I live 5 min walking away from here' (forest <- total wuss) 

So, I remember, when I was drunk, I could not remember anyone, not their face or their name in fact nothing, my mum would come back into the club named: 'The Cartier in Schilde' and actually give me drinks that tasted 'UUUGH'
But none the less - I got drunk, but I've never remembered saying: 'I'm drunk... teeheee' (My cousin Sabrina drank once a RedBull and said: 'Oh my, I think I'm ... getting drunk' *wanted to hit her saying: 'It's AN ENERGY DRINK' but it was to amusing to watch...)

At least not so far - so this girl is complaining about a guy towards me - I notice this guy staring at me, I mention my age a little to loud, so that problem was solved - but of course that girl kept complaining. So I tell you what happened. With my sober bum and 'half' broken back - that had so many injections - pain all over my body, afraid of the noise, I got to tell you, I notice I'm getting to old if I think: 'They have to turn the music down ...'
I could feel my heart beating at the same rhythm on Gangnam Style ...

So, this girl keeps talking about this guy but I'm doing the mac-arena, the way I know it, hell I didn't knew their were other versions ... So yeah I did this with 4 people on the dance-floor, all sober and looking at Kevin: 'Kill me ...'

After a while, countdown has begun and we celebrate - got kissed by a girl I have no clue who she is, ... on the cheek. 
Ok, a'ight fine ...
The other girl starts to feel sick, I'm looking at her and I'm having this grin on my face like: 'Oh, now comes the: 'I need attention.'
Her best friend starts to cry and starts to blame herself for making her drunk. 

I looked what booze they drunk and laughed my a$$ off. I said, 'Come home to me, I give you 4 s€xbombs and you are down on the floor, 4 shots and you don't remember what you did that night. That's being drunk...'
The other girl becomes more in panic and the other girl that I tried to cheer up keeps 'throwing up' (nothing comes out, you know, you just go and cough ...)
I know very well, that's just a 'stage', I shake my head, I offer my seat so she can sleep up - she's just dizzy, it's to late at night.

So, her best friend keeps blaming herself and I just rudely said: 'It's her own fault.'
'*sobs* no it's mine, I told her to drink ...'
'Well and who drank it, she did, did you put the bottle on her lips? No she didn't, she's now facing the after 'party' of drinking...' I look in front of me and just plain out bursted: 'Oh Gods, Karine you are sounding like a grown up...' and I laughed
Then I noticed Kevin, the one who arranged the party is taking down the lights and all the heavy spots - Kevin has this entire set to make a party for at least 50 to 100 people. No one helped.
I get up and I start helping and cleaning up the room, told Kevin: 'you played DJ, you cooked, you decorated, you remixed music for the countdown, you put all that light up in the ... thingie and most of all, you are sick, it's 3 AM, let me help you.'

I took some of the spots and they were heavy as heck. I cleaned up on my own pace and now I'm bleeding of course - it's alright with me. 
The girl who I bursted my opinion on didn't gave a smile anymore to me, but I didn't care. I had this: 'You are not getting pity out of me and neither should you towards your friend, this is life, welcome to the fun, FANTA!'
It all made me remember the times I used to party - who was really drunk and who wasn't - just to get attention. 
I just softly sighed and got to bed at 5 am and had a good sleep since a long time ...

To later read a mail: 'No wonder your friends dump you.'
Well possibly, you make a point, most of my friends are younger than me - I'm an artist, that makes us (I think most can relate to that) a weirdo towards someone who has a normal income and life, or who's a 'know-it-much-better-than-you-person'

I rather have real friends than phonies, simple - ...

I noticed that a lot of people have/are using me - I wasn't born yesterday but that's why I wear the mask. I'll keep wearing it until you actually demand me to show my ugly face. I can tell you, I can be very ugly and very nasty and very mean and I'll shred you to pieces if I want too, but no... I'm to lazy to take that mask off. Plus I learned something after so many years of being back-stabbed: 'I'ts not WORTH it. No one is, look at me, my health is getting worse and worse - to the point that I'm thinking: 'Let it go, take me away from here'
I not only have CFS but also CP, Chronic Pains, it's becoming impossible for me to do things that I have to do - but none the less - I still helped Kevin while the others sat down on their lazy rears 'thinking' they are drunk. For ****'s sake, I was cleaning with so much pain in my back, I hopped Gangnam Style and I totally looked like a retard dancing on whatever-that-kind-of-music-that-was - while I should have sat down and chill - no, ... Karine is an evil b!tch that does nothing but take advantage of people. *looks* Oh really? I am, oh so I guess I'm taking advantage of the spotlight from Kevin then? *dance* get in the trunk you, ooohooooooh!!!! *sarcasm*

Praise, hmmm when did I ever wanted praise, Kevin didn't thank me for what I did, no one gives me praise for what I do - I'm used to it. Don't need it, I do not need praise for my art - I know I suck - this is artistic point of view to get better and better - this is self-critic. I accept critic - but - yeah there's a but, to a extent that you aren't making fun of me. 
It happened not to long ago and I could not cope with it, first going: 'OMG I WANNA LEARN FROM UUUUU UU UUUUU SO AWESOME!!! KAWAII DESU' 
few months later: 'I fallowed art-school, this sucks this sucks, this sucks and oh yeah, you suck ahahahhaaaa *manical laughter*'
... One gesture *shows middle finger*

That's all I'm gonna say about it - 
It's kind of how 'Alex Agnew' says it - our community isn't the same anymore like it used to be - we have FaceBook, if we have a fight we just 'block' each other just like little kids: 'You ... are no longer my friend...'
Compared 10 years ago those guys would be in your bar and hit your teeth our. So *stomp stomp stomp like a 5 year old kid who doesn't get the toy from Toys R us* buuhooo you don't like me anymore ... Miauuuuwww ... I can't say the other word ... *click* 'U ARE NO LONGER MU FRIEND' buuu buuu (childish revenge!!!!!)

Me Gusta ...

We've turned into a bunch of pussiaauuuwwwww .... Seriously, we turned into a pile of sissies, oh well - not my problem *hands in the air
I'm gonna turn in for the night and just don't care, WHERE'S MY CHOCOLATE

I had a fun New Year - even though I hid myself from the sound and the 'children' Hope you guys too -
so a happy 2014 to all of you - I'm OUT! 

Oh, whoever reads this  and you think this is about you? Well ... 
sahtori-kamaya.deviantart.com/…

Kind of urgent for one's commissions and comic work, I've got my Vaio back from my mum - ... only not in such a great shape ...
But not I notice this photoshop problem - does anyone know how to fix this?

  • 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
    Run away from my family to live on my own... pretty crazzzy ... 
  • 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    No, I didn't made any New Year's resolutions and I'm not planning to make them ...
  • 3:Did anyone close to you give birth?
    No ...
  • 4:Did anyone close to you die?
    Yes, DMajorBoss I feel guilty that I didn't respond to his last note ... I thought I did - but I didn't ... I was in the US when it got worse with him and when I got back I didn't - ... checked ... He was one of my supporters for many years - I lived still in Schilde when he talked to me - meaning for over 8 years ... 
  • 5:What countries did you visit?
    Turkey - Kusadasi - October & The United States in March Fort Myers - Jamaica and Gozumel Mexico, my family took me away from Katty and the rest ... So I was with them the entire time ... 
  • 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013
    Health ... My health is slowly getting worse ... I would like to feel no more pain so I can get up to do my chores, be able to get outside ... 
  • 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    November was a horrible month, I thought running away from my mother would solve a lot but Katty, my brother and sister-in-law made more horrible threats than my mother has ever done - I've been harmed badly mentally to the edge of suicide ... I ended up harming myself in the hospital ... I felt my grandmother was back ... 
  • 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    Living on my own ... It's with small steps, ... 
  • 9:What was your biggest failure?
    Losing Madoka, my ferret ... She's not dead - she just spend to long at the facility that she doesn't want to return ...
  • 10:Did you suffer illness or injury?
    I still have cancer - spend a lot of days in the hospital ... more to come ... unfortunately ... 
  • 11:What was the best thing you bought?
    ... tough question - I can not really buy anything for myself ... Ummm ... *looks around in her room* A flutter pony from the '80's on Ebay... Fixed her up and now she's standing on my shelf ... She's so beautiful and for 3$ I could not leave her like that... 
  • 12:Whose behavior merited celebration?
    That's a question I think that's confusing for me ... I guess Evana ... She surprised me a lot of times ... in a good way of course ... 
  • 13:Whose behavior made you appalled?
    I get shocked often with what I read ... That's why I don't read or watch the news - makes me maybe stupid - but I just don't feel like watching all that pain ... I saw enough behavior past October for people who didn't agreed I needed help ... I guess that's enough for me to be shocked about to refuse help of people ... To distance myself from people even ... It's difficult now for me to open up and trust people ever since what happened ... 
  • 14:Where did most of your money go?
    Medical bills ... Rent ... Chocolate ... 
  • 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Having my first flight alone on a plane to the US
  • 16:What song will always remind you of 2013?
    "What does the Fox say?" I was going to write "Gentleman" but I was at a convention and I spat my drink out when I heard it ...
  • 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
    A: Sadder B: Thinner C: Poorer
  • 18:What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Making art ...
  • 19:What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Sleeping (CFS can't help it ...)
  • 20:How did you spend Christmas?
    Oh C'mon, rub that in my face, ALONE!
  • 21:Did you fall in love in 2013?
    No comment ... 
  • 22:What was your favorite TV program?
    Ummm, TMNT 2012
  • 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    Still hate her and don't give even a crap about her - for the one who reads it, if you think this is about you, well if the shoe fits ...
  • 24:What was the best book you read?
    Life of Pi - wanted to compare the movie with the book ... 
  • 25:What was your greatest musical discovery?
    I love New Age music - it puts me in trance and imagine a different world than I'm in ... Ivan Torrent is a great composition - look him up on you-tube. 
  • 26:What did you want and get?
    The Ultimate Madoka doll. 
  • 27:What did you want and not get?
    Hmm, ... besides better health? ... hmm ... The huge drawing board of Wacom - one you can actually draw on and you see it - but almost 3000 euro's is umm ... HAH! *middle-finger* 
  • 28:What was your favorite film of this year?
    The Groods & Frozen
  • 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Being on my own - sure that my health isn't good enough and I need help - but I have no one shouting or hitting me anymore or saying what a horrible person I am and that I have no life and will never have one... I can finally sleep without the worries of being woken up - for a fight ...
  • 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
    I started to stop dressing 'black' ... For some reason I start to dress more in grey and white ... I seem to enjoy it more... My hair is almost blond to white now ... Not to copy one of my friends - an incident happened with my hair - turned orange ... Seriously ... orange - to fix it, it looks like this now. 
  • 31:What kept you sane?
    "Rean'Jih" His wise words and just his presence was enough for me to feel I can still handle it for the 'moment'
  • 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Rick O' Barry - his devotion to save dolphins makes me wonder many things - I protested a few times against the slaughtering of dolphins ... Even after 30 min I had to sit down ... 
  • 33:What political issue stirred you the most?
    I don't watch political stuff - ... peace ... lies ... within ... I was more focused on the dolphins - still am ... 
  • 34:Who did you miss?
    "Rean'Jih" and the old me ... 
  • 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
    That I'm a jerk ... I always took people for granted - I learned from my grandmother that eventually people will 'dump' you - but one person proved me wrong ... and for that I feel like I've been such a jerk towards her ... softly I try to open to more people - on dA, fA that fallow me for years - it's difficult but I'm trying to 'believe' their words. It's hard sometimes ... But I respect everyone - just wish I wasn't so 'messed' up.
  • 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
    Their is two: www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA0TRO… - "Above all don't lose hope" ... But it has no lyrics ...
    So then I give you this: Lana Del Rey - Ride: -> www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py_-3d…

    "I was a singer, not a very popular one, I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
    But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

    And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
    Because I was born to be the other woman.
    Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
    Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

    I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
    I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
    It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
    So I just ride, I just ride

    Who are you?
    Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
    Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
    I have. I am fucking crazy.
    But I am free ... "


Merry Christmas, yadda yadda - hope you had NICE food and NICE drink and A NICE FAMILY - I didn't had anything of that - just spend the entire night sobbing - hoping someone of my family would text me...
No, all alone crying

So, I'm in deep troubles, you know that b!tch that kind of 'ruined' my self-esteem has left a big bill that 'I' have to pay because I was registered on that address, not only that, my medical bill from staying over 2 weeks - surgeries, getting blood - echo's etc etc ...

So, 'Carrie Phox' the fennec character I've used from 2001 until around 2009 is for sale.
Now I had the question: 'Carrie Phox' = 'Sahtori Kamaya'?

No, umm they aren't, I shut down all my accounts and one of the journals on the 'Pahefimtjaat' account said: 'I'm done with 'Carrie Phox.'
for 'many reasons' 

Now she was quite a 'popular' character - why, I don't know, I really don't know, all I remember was - 'post art of her - lots of comments and fav's' post other art: '...*sound of a cricket* ...'

So, this character is for SALE - if my back 'permits' it - she'll have an updated REF - meaning, she'll look the same - just in my 'current' style - better anatomy ... You know what I mean? I sucked years ago when I look at her 'HUGE' head, tiny neck, tiny body ... broken ... arms ... legs ...

So, I'm going to post her for 'SALE' 

She doesn't come cheap - I registered her under a company to 'copyright' her. The papers are still legal and the 'version' before her that is still in special papers - so she would not be stolen - 

This was in the time that we would fight each other when someone copied someone's marking or style - now you just go to the movies and see a lot of resemblance of your own chara's in movie's that you go like: ' ... I think I should not have posted my story online ... '
 
So, basically, you are f***ed anyhow - copyrighted or not ... Even if you copyright a movie - people WILL steal it and claim it as their OWN. Nothing you can do about it ...
But hence, Carrie got her 'special procedure' - so she wont come cheap ...

Ummm, I probably have to pay around 4000 euro's since they can't locate 'Katty' - whom suddenly disepeared - although I already tracked her with her IP address and I'm going to put that before the cops if they come to my door to tell me this news ...
I already had a call of 'Egli' saying: 'You are going to turn for those costs...'
Not only that my medical bill will be very high - if my dad didn't pay my ticket to the US - I would not go ...
I have to return (I get a lot of comments of 'STAY' in the US) I need medical attention right now, so I have no choice, plus, my ferret ...

I'm not going to ask thousands of euro's for Carrie Phox, totally not, but something that would help me - so if you are interested - keep tuned - for the update to sell 'Carrie Phox' 

Meantime, I'll be fine with my liquid food and I'll just ... meh ...
Thank you XD-385 for a year of subscription on dA, I did not expect that - so thank you so-much :heart:

Also, the question, I'll reply quickly to it: 'The commissions' 
as you have seen, I'm not taking new ones, I'm working on commissions - I kind of switched a few characters ... (seriously ... ) it wasn't funny when one of my clients went: ' Ummm ... '
I'm tired, mostly in a lot of pain ... weak and my self-esteem has gone rock-bottom in just a few days ... I don't know why I remember the 'negative' critique instead of the 'positive' - could be, because a lot was promised in the past from major companies ... and in the end ... I'm not good enough ...

So, whatever - whatever ... I am who I am - I should learn to be more happy about what I STILL can do ... 


So ... Umm ... I've haven't been on dA and most other art communities for over 2 weeks now  ...

I collapsed pretty badly, I got for 3 days on a row with almost 41C° fever - it got up - down - up - down ... 
I remember collapsing in the arms of a nurse - in a shower ... 

I spent days in this daze of: 'Where am I? Is this is? Is this the end?' 
They found a virus in my body and it took a long time to get rid off - plus the preforming surgeries they decided to do and the blood loss that came from it ... So I was often in a different plane of existence - I didn't care what was going on - I only asked Gojira to say 'I'm gone' - nothing to special - It wasn't much of a deal, I guess - Now I had a small surgery and I already had echo's to see and of course next week and the week after I need to take again echo's before I leave to Fort Myers, Orlando to see my father - of course you all realize with the medical procedure - I can't stay longer than I am allowed to be with my father and stepmother. 

I had days that I slept over 20 hours - I saw things that were to realistic to be a dream - I remember days that I woke up and it was dark - I would look at my cellphone and it was 7 AM in the morning - thinking I could sleep a bit more - I would wake up around 5 PM to see that it was still dark and thinking: 'Ah, I can still sleep some more.'

It was a very weak moment - I had to much going on - weak blood-cells - Virus - cervical cancer and my tumor 
The tumor doesn't seem active thanks to my medications, that is good...
But I had so much pain when I got there, I think I even screamed during my passing out - I seriously thought: 'The end is there, it's painful but I'm there ...' I was on intensive care and I barely remember anything that happened around me - I can't remember the ambulance, I can't remember getting in the hospital - I remember a slap on my face (not a hard one) and people shouting my name.

I didn't want to make any one worried about me - but I'm just so tired - It's right now 'difficult' to accept that I NO longer am the strong girl from the past - past is past - keep it there, I remember talking in my dreams to people - seeing people and one dream that I felt for the first time ever: 'Beautiful' no darkness, no pain. It was like my body was made of the cosmos and shining while holding my friends hand, who was shining brighter than a shooting star - she was helping me to stay on both of my feet - I do remember looking at a creature and then fly off with my friend and I could see this beautiful cloak around me - dark but so full of stars. 

I think I've never had a dream with so much detail and especially seeing the Galaxy in your clothing - I felt happy in that dream - 
So, for odd reasons they couldn't wake me up on the times when I needed to be awake, once my condition was softly getting better.
I had meals especially prepared - it had no use - I kept falling back and sleep immediately - I didn't had any desire to check my phone, facebook and whenever I did it would not stop making sounds - I had one message after the other and I immediately just shut it all off... 

I felt I couldn't handle it anymore - and I still can't ...

Everything is right now to much - When I have energy it's all fine with me and I'll use it - but those energy bursts last around 30 to 2 hours? If I'm lucky.

I got home (yesterday now) this morning and it took me over 5 hours to write this journal - I did a doodle - you've seen the upload - my roommate downloaded 'Frozen' and I looked at it - then had an energy burst and then after a few hours I got K.O'd - I rested a bit and now I'm finishing this journal ...

Please, bare with me - I don't know, these are signs that I'm not doing well - as I said, I thought it was 'over' that it was 'done' and I remember feeling: 'Take me, do it, let me go ...' 

My doctors advised me: 'Listen to your body, please ...' So I will try my hardest - I don't know if it will become 'quiet' like that again how you'll be able to contact me ... 

I'm starting to feel 'acceptance' of 'my condition' and no longer I feel the desire to fight against it ...
I'll get a bill that will make me feel even more worse and their is this time no way I can get out of this - I called today to get a VISA - I'll know in 8 days if it will be accepted - because I don't know how to get 'out' of this situation ... 

It will be my first Christmas spending without any family - the memories of everything that has happened - of course it's normal that I need to process this - I've never felt as bad as I am now - even though I try to stay optemestic - sometimes I wonder that life is just mocking me - seriously ...

Ok, I think I've catch up almost 'half' ... almost ...

I'll be selling 'Carrie Phox' soon - I'm going to give away her OFFICIAL papers of copyright and I make a 'new reference' of the style I draw in now... Would anyone be interested in this old gall? Please let me know ... 
Old.Art_GotN 6 by Sahtori-Kamaya

Thanks for reading - if I don't post a new journal - Merry Krismas for all of you guys 

- SK


Things aren't looking up - I really need help with my place, I feel to tired to clean up, to tired to make food, I rather stay in bed because I'm feeling very weak - I put on the computer to draw but after 30 + min - my eyes start to tear - even wen I'm wearing glasses that are darker and specially for the computer.

I'm just plain exhausted - The new cancer they found is giving me a lot of mood troubles - I can turn 'hyper' from one moment and the other moment I'll curse your great great great grandparents - A rage - I've never felt before... Never ...

It seems that I could turn around instead of chemo to medication and a small surgery 
But of course - partly is covered and the rest - i can't afford. 

So, I'm selling adoptables - just so no one can get angry and pi$$y at me for 'donations' 
Because I'm not asking donations... I'm not strong enough - plus living in a student dorm is all I could afford - I share my kitchen (is ok) bathroom (is ok - keep it clean though) toilet (little embarrassed) sharing the refrigerator (is not ok, don't touch my food)

i realize I'm not cut out for any of this 'living' and the more my health is going down - the more the voices in my head are returning with: 'Just kill yourself, you aren't worth living, you are just a horrible person, you are bad, you belong dead - do the world a favor and die!'

I don't know what to do - I got Myriam (my mother) off this 'move-back-to-me-bizz' but it's a lot of trouble - I'm not myself anymore - friends of mine dropped me - because I said a few years ago: 'IF I DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, I have 2 years left'

An ex-friend said, together with others: 'It's been two years, why aren't you dead?'

No one, but no one can help me in this situation - but myself, I can tell with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome it's difficult to help myself - I'm glad when one of my room mates (whom don't know my situation - since they come and go) offers me a bowl of soup.
They hear me cough, they hear me wheeze, they see my body shaking especially my hands - I'm not that person anymore that I used to be, fun - kind and spontaneous... I guess I already the inside of me died, ...

I wish I could talk about my life without vomiting with the thought of the way I've been grown up - I grew up believing no one would fall in love with me, that I would be lonely forever... I tried to empty myself so I would feel nothing... Doctors are trying to make me return feeling something - but all I feel are pain, the power of a disgusting past that can't be erased. 

I have to take medication to think of 'nothing' so my personality was destroyed during the time when I was still happy - ... mostly by the cruelty by the people whom used to call me - friend - ...

I'm tired of people calling me an inspiration - what's so inspiring about me? What? Nothing was special about me - look at me ... All that's left about me is just a big 'nothing' - if I would die now, I would be forgotten in a few weeks... 
I mean nothing - unless their is something people can use about me...

It's hard to say: 'They were wrong...' it's harder than believing - even though I'm still here - I'm fighting cancer, but why? Do I want to live? Do I want to keep on fighting to live?

I can't afford 'living' and that's something I concluded after so much thinking - I'm one of those people - whom truley don't deserve to be here... 

I'll always be like this - dead - inside - 

It's so hard that all of this started more than a year ago, between Katty and Myriam...

It's hard to blame - it's hard too, ... when I read what my mother wrote - I was supposed to be aborted... Their are days I look and think, 'Why didn't you?'
Then later to hear from my aunt on my fathers side: 'She had to keep a man that had money, linked to her.'
My older brother was aborted too - Why, why do they still mention those cruel things - I wish I could just end it - but even so - I'm a coward... *sighs* I wont make it this time - why - I'm not asking for help - for donations - because face it, ... I'm not worth any help...

Livestream Questions and Answers while working on ... many things... 

One moment!!!

Sun Nov 17, 2013, 4:39 AM


I'm working on a website that has to be finished by monday evening - because the client has a convention that starts this Wednesday - it's a ferret website.

Ummm, yeah - I worked 13 hours straight with no food, not getting up - 'cause of over hundreds of pictures that I have to edit to make it beautiful and professional - however, I'm not professional and I could use help with the 'Over the Rainbow' page. 
I need TEXT and the picture right next to it 
then next picture and text - it's for ferrets that passed away. 

So, one moment - I'm starting ASAP 
But this person is waiting from March - but I lost then afterwards my computer... So I had to RESTART - I can tell you, you are not in the mood to restart
So the page was fixed by a friend of mine - but - not like how I wanted it... Not like how I wanted to present it to my client.

So yesterday I took a big breather and worked 13 hours straight on only the DESIGN of the website. 
Pictures of the 'female' ferrets are on it. Now I'm working on the Males and the Pups. 
Those are the last pictures. 

But, the 'Over the Rainbow' page is giving me troubles... 

Yeah, I have a few clients asking for websites - ... someone already asked to to theirs as well, but I'm to tired to focus on coding... 
I'm not good at flash, I can tell you that...

So yeah, *cough* 

Give me a moment, I'll be back ASAP

Plus NEW comic pages and the return on working of commissions - this had priority for a moment... Even before my health... XD

This person took care of Madoka and raised Akemi... The least I can do is that...
Even though, Madoka can never come back home... Because she's used to living at my client... Funny event is that Madoka's best friend 'Bizou' is her sister. Both same age - come from 'Appeldoorn' - It was a difficult moment for me to say: 'Let them stay together...' 
So yeah, Bizou and Madoka stay together at my clients place. 

While I have Akemi with me... *rubs eyes* I think I need to wear glasses for the last batch...


Livestream

Sun Nov 10, 2013, 5:49 AM


Sahtori is testing the lineart of Bi-Ancha - would you like to watch along? :D

www.livestream.com/sahshrine