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I had a hint a while ago that Walibi parks is interested in my work. But for that, I need to show that people really like what I'm doing right now. So I created this: 'Walibi Fan Project' and I really hope that I'll be selected but in order to do that...

I'd really love everyone who can LIKE this page to do that. " www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… "
All I can ask nicely is to like the page, the more people like it the more chance and I'd really like to get a job... so please and thank you... That means really a lot to me if you can spread it and all...

Thank you

luv ya buh bai

P.S: I know a few people hate me for talking or drawing for it for some reason (yeah, you nag a lot about it) but if it's the only way to get some job that people would like. I really really would like this job. It would mean a lot to me. I know I'll never be good enough for Disney and I do not strive to go that. It's not the goal I'm after... It's just I really want to become the new comic artist and they said there is ROOM for Walibi's Universe so I'm not giving up. I just need to show CDA parks that the work I do with Kaniko is what they want...

So far my art has made it in the top 10 so really please... It would make me smile :heart:

So again -

Thank you

luv ya buh bai

- S





.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


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www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session,Next page of Walibi's comic 'Nightmare in Shimmeria'

The site's name has been choosen:

www.ethereal-worlds.com/

Be prepared for a huge change, cause it has still all the old files on it. It took us such a long time to find a perfect name, I finally got it. I wanted 'stardust-designs' but it was taken. But in the end I thought every story is located in a different magical world.

I'll keep you all posted





NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session in 3...2... Movie and Question and Answers today, I'll draw later but I'm a bit exhausted and I still expect a call...

(More news on going to USA 1 march I'm in New York)

Ok, so yeah, my ticket is set, just need to pay the darn thing it's umm 693,59 Got 200 euro's already on my Mastercard... I'm really nervous... So nervous I'm going omg....

I can't spend much there but ... umm... I first need to pay the ticket of course... *looks at empty pocket*

But, I'll be in Ford Launderdale in Florida and many more places and I'd love to meet a lot of you guys and thank you in person. I'll be (hopefully if I have the money) from 1 march till 28th of march...

I'm going there to change my surname to become part of a better family...

I'm just so exited but I think I'm exiting to soon, if I need to pay this first...
I can't offer commissions right now cause of WFP I got a lil' payment for it and I really need to finish that site and it's comics before going...
Oh I just wish...

...

ARG I'm so exited, I'm to exited I go AAAH!



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
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.: Tumblr:.
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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session in 3...2... countdown

Ok, so...

I hope to leave in march to Fort Myers in Florida... So I said I would hold a Meet and Greet day, I don't know if anyone of you guys live there... So if you want to meet up...
I go there, to change my 'last name' Coenen into 'De Sutter' to see if I will like Amercia, if it's a solution for me to stay there and everything... Because I'm thinking to go to Australia too...
But my dad and Donna thinks it's best for me to take a 'breather' right now, rest to find out who I am and all...
So tomorrow I'm going to get my passport and hope I'm allowed to go from the doctor cause there's a waiting time of 8 hours in one flight that I'm like: Oh dear stars...

One thing is for sure, I'm leaving Belgium.

I'm looking for a small storage room right now here in Belgium, I don't have much... Just a bit...
I know it will take a while... to find your own place and it seems in Belgium I don't find what I'm looking for... And for some reason, It doesn't feel like 'home' to me...

This will mean I supose... I don't know where this will be heading. All I know is, I got to get away from here. I've been manipulated and used enough.

So yeah anyone knows Fort Myers? ... *whelps* ....




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
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.: Tumblr:.
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  • Listening to: Alex Hepburn - Under
I'm breathing but every day feels like hell...
I don't feel much reason to live but I try to keep on breathing, knowing I have the medications and no one to stop me it's quite strong of me not to do what I'd long for...

I know I'm not much online lately, I'm having so much to do during the day...
All I know is my brother did something so horrible yesterday to me that I slapped him as hard as I could...

He wants me out of Katty's appartment... He took my mother to the door and pushed me to join her.
I felt so betrayed and he said: "I can't stand to look at you anymore. I want you OUT!"
I knew this would happen, Katty just left to Tunesia and I told her the day before that a battle would happen between them and me.
Of course I'm "the weak link"
he kept going: "Go with her, go to your mama."
I ran to him and started to slap him hard with: "WHY? WHY? WHY YOU ALL DO THIS TO ME!? WHY YOU ALL HARM ME! WHY ARE YOU ALL AGAINST ME! WHY?!"

He looked at his arm with a threat in his eyes like: 'I can now call the cops with saying you harmed me'
I felt so broken so afraid. I try so hard, I get up, I ask if anyone needs something from the shop and I'll go get it, cause I'm so afraid to stay in this appartment, knowing my mother lives next door...
Appearently that's being an : "a$$ki$$er"

My doctor told me with the mri wednesday that no shrinking, no growing, nothing abnormal with my headaches and pain and specially the 'black outs' are badly.
He explained to me that when your brain is so tired, overcharged that your brain shuts down for a moment and back on to WARN you with: "you need rest"
I can't rest... I feel I'm in danger every moment of the day.

Katty is only gone for a few hours and then it already happened. I knew it would, and all I was doing was protecting him...
He doesn't want that and he said: 'I never had any help of you anyway'
I respond simply: 'What the loans I did all that shit means nothing to you? When you were hungry I fed you instead of myself? That meant nothing?'
his respond: 'Of course, you'll dwell in the past and push that in my face.'
Then the fight escalated and I just shouted at him like: 'You had the life of a GOD, I saw every corner of the house,  I got hit with pots, pans, almost drowned in the sink, thrown off the stairs, cut with a siscor to cut a part of my hair off. Those memories will never ever GO AWAY!'
He went like: "You don't know what I went through, you think I had that kind of life?"
I looked at him like: "All you had to do was point were I left one sheet of paper with a drawing on to let me get beaten up like $h!t"
and the fight escaleted from just trying to help him to this... Seeing my mother going: 'come live back with me'
I never felt so betrayed in my life.

He went like: "You're a danger to my child."
I told him: "I'm nice to Stephanie, for sakes I'm her Godmother, I get toys and clothes when I can... What's bad that I do?"
He: "Oh now you throw that to me..."
What did I say wrong? ...

That he went like: 'I'll move stuff to mother's place and you can stay there, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!"
Tears roled over my face cause the day before I saw my sister and her husband and we talked they opened up a few memories that were locked up for such a long time, for example; Eddie said: "You used to come down to play when we visited you."
Just 'poof' and I remember why and I told him: "Cause whenever I saw my sister I was so happy to see her, granma would stand at the kitchenwindow and look how much I smiled, the moment you'd all be gone, I'd be thrown in my room and I saw every corner of it... Eventuelly I just stopped going downstairs, everytime you guys came I just peeked at the stairs happy to see my sister that way'

The box of Pandora in my head is huge... I remember how I was pulled away so many times from my sister and my granmother from my fathers side with my mother yelling: "You'll NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!"

I had to sit and think for such a long time that night... Memories of your childhood like this are really bad, I know why childeren lock them up so easily... But I never knew that one small trigger could open that 'box'.

My brother plays 'EVE' all day long till sometimes 3 am to 5 am in the morning. He pretends that his life is so much better.
I don't see him having all this healthissue's, I don't see him having trouble getting a job, he wants the royal chair at a job. No he gets a good income from the state that's over 1000 euro's and refuses to pay me back.
I still don't understand that they can have more then 7000 euro's in less then 3 months. Being able to move to buy a HIGH DEFINITION FLATSCREEN TV, the best washingmachine.

I got 'NOTHING' I can't save, I depend on my friends while I want to work, it's horrible when you try so hard and that your boss says: 'I know you tried, but it's not working out for you, ... '

I want to work, I want to be able to be proud of myself, my brother said: "I can look atleast at myself in the mirror, you can't huh?"
Why are they manipulating me... Why... What did I do...

Why everywhere I go, people think I'm odd, strange...

Why did this all happened to me... Is it cause the 'abortion' didn't went through?
Am I punished for that?

I still have no studio that in my range for payment cause I'm still stuck with a loan I did to help my brother.
I'm told by my dad, Donna, Eddie, my sister, NEVER help a person anymore, just yourself, ...

The laughing eyes that he'd even say: "I"ll help you move"
I heard him LIE against his gf of words I didn't said and how he has the urge to "kill" me. (Is it just me or is my family getting a lust to kill? Or is it the desire to get rid of someone so easily)

"It's all about you"
no, ... I tempelary gave up Madoka, my ferret so I can find a place to move, cause they can't stand stress.
He went like: "You care so much about her huh? Doesn't seem like it."

The kid kept hitting Madoka or Josie hits my lilttle girl...

Appearently having PTSD a tumor in the head and emotional damage is no reason to be 'who' I am...
All I'm good for is 'help' and afterwards being 'spit' in the face by them...

I locked myself up, I'm not going back to her. I'll try to find another place as soon as I can...
I'm so afraid...

I'm thinking to rent a small place to just lock up my stuff and stay a while in 'Fort Myers in Florida' to stay at my dad...
Just to get 'rest'
To find out who I am... But I can't aford a place if anyone knows something really really cheap to stay at for maybe a month...

I need appearently more surgeries then I thought but I can't aford them... It's nice to hear a doctor to say: 'your neck, back and chest are misformed'
I have a hard time with my 'looks' now even more when he said that cause of loosing so much wheight and more factors I can't recall them all he said, that my body is ... ruined ...
I'm getting crazy am I?

I'm afraid that, the moment I leave this room and go 'out' my brother will lock me out...
I'm so afraid of myself... I'm so afraid of my thoughts... I'm so afraid of my looks... I'm so afraid... I'm so afraid...

I tried to find a 'runaway place' to even stay at, Hakim even helped, I guess all I can do is wait till monday...

I long for the day I can type in this journal: "Everything is fine with me... Tumor's gone, got no debts, my own place, Madoka's back with me, my comic is getting published, I finally have a great job..."

I'm sorry, for not beeing online so much...
I'm a total wreck a mess... Please give me time...

-K


"See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, saying nothing's gonna be okay
I feel it in my heart, soul, mind that I'm losing
Every reason that I have left to live
All the sanity I've ever owned... gone
But I'm still breathing
I feel it in my veins, skin, bones that I'm losing...
Don't bury me,
Don't let me down,
Don't say it's over
'Cause that would send me under,
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but you words can murder
Only you could send me under..."




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Alex Hepburn - Under
Katty said yesterday during a car ride she felt horrible all day and Josie agreed to her. They realised that all of what's been said was just my mother making up stories... They couldn't believe that they fell for it...
But during the car ride she started saying more things that 'hit' me more and more and the tears would just come.
One of the sentences was: 'I was more angrier at you then I ever was at Cruella (my mother)'
I think for trying to make things up these are not the words you use.

She felt so guilty she drove me to the petdoc for Madoka and decided to also drop me off at the supermarket.
When I got back at the home I stay at. I decided to stay outside and look at the stars for around 45 min in the supercold.
I cried at the field, no one could see or hear me but I cried really badly...

I woke up with wounds over my hands meaning I selfharmed myself during sleep, cuz I remember I got inside, I ignored my brother and Josie, who said nothing.

Earlier that day I texted Wendy for guidence to live on your own. She called me immediatly and set up a date the next day (today) to look for Studio's...
I felt really sick, I got a call of Katty a few hours later asking how I'm doing, appearently my voice is squeky cause I'm frightend and she realised that I'm not doing ok...
I decided to eat a lil something but little I knew... 2 hours passed. My brains felt ... different ... time felt different ...
Everything inside of me felt different... I didn't realise that when I got back from the supermarket that so much time passed by, just staring at the stars...

I was so happy to see the sun, I was so happy to see the stars who are at such times like this my only comfort...
I cried so much, ... I cried, all the words kept being repeated over and over in my head...

So today, I saw an small studio, I'm waiting for an call for a Studio I saw in Antwerp itself, it looks nice... I just have to wait for a call...
I'm registed for a social house also...

So, I got in after telling what al happened to Wendy and Dina, ... they act like 'nothing EVER happened'
Katty asking if she's dressed ok. I'm just going to my room and she's like: 'hey come back!'
I first took off my coat and my backpack and then I went to her and she's like: 'What's wrong?'
I went like: 'Just leave me be, ... ok?'
I think 10 min later she went to my room and she went like: 'Ok lets talk.' I cried again, I told her those words were really harmfull to me.
I said to Dina and Wendy and other people when you are angry you say things that you were holding inside of you for a long time. Those are words you REALLY mean, that you really think, that you just try to hide and not say out of polite but when you are angry you can finaly HURT the person cause you WANTED too... That's what happened and those words wont let me go...
I had this in the past with a few friends before... They lied in my face, but later angry writings to me and more of evidence of one of their chats. I'll never forget it, so don't come with this: 'people say angry things they don't mean.' Trust me, they mean it...

The words my brother said that I'm a danger for the comunity and myself, that he'll confind me into a psyciatric and lock me up, hunt me down to ruin my life. His gf that shouted that I'm just like my mother and she wants to kill me.

These threats I don't take lightly. I've been abused so long in my life and it's starting HERE right now AGAIN.
What happened wont be the first time I said. There will be another, because like they said: 'I'm a WEAK link!' It's easy to yell at me to tell me it's all my fault because I think like that too while it's not.

She hugged me while I cried and I showed my wounds that I made during my sleep...

I can't forgive, no longer, I can't forgive, I asked to be alone at Dina, I don't want to meet NEW people anymore, I don't want to get hurt again and again and again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I meet new people either I get used, either I'm not good enough, either I'm crazy, either I'm this or that or si or la or bla bla bla. I'm not good enough!

Therefor I asked this studio to be alone, just you guys, my art... Trying to battle cancer, no one of my family will find me as I'm going to change my name... No one will find me...

No one not even Katty or my brother. If I need help, I'll find a way to do it on my own in Belgium... I hope to see my father and his wife soon, he promissed on the phone he'll come over when I called and cried towards him explaining what happened...

My head, my head feels in so much pain, ... I think it was a long black out... I'm afraid that, I'm so afraid that my health is going worse... I'm so broken inside of me... I felt emotions yesterday and the day before I haven't either felt for a long time... or never felt in my life.

I could swear it's worse then a heartache, I was grabbing my chest over and over, it was stinging the entire time inside there. My head that spins inside, the voices that are returning. I feel everything around me is collapsing, stepping, walking, feels so heavy, my body feels like laying down...
I see dots... I see 'sparkles' my eyes hurt badly... My hands are full with red markings, it's itching badly...
The pain ... the pain is ... I can't explain it ... it's worse then a heartache over a boy ... or a love you loose ...
It's worser then grieving over someone that passed away ... That feeling is still inside of me... I don't want this feeling...

It hurts so much inside of me ...

I can't forgive, something that can hurt me so much... I can't forgive... I can't , I simply can't...

I leave as soon as I can I told Katty...

She left with: 'Think good about it...' she realised that I'm not kidding about my condition having post traumatic stress disorder and what monday happened turned out to be a new harmful trauma, a new trauma that only shortly happened after my mother, after all those years...

I think they all shot me with a gun in my heart...
My head... my head...

"See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, saying nothing's gonna be okay
I feel it in my heart, soul, mind that I'm losing
Every reason that I have left to live
All the sanity I've ever owned... gone
But I'm still breathing
I feel it in my veins, skin, bones that I'm losing...
Don't bury me,
Don't let me down,
Don't say it's over
'Cause that would send me under,
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but you words can murder
Only you could send me under..."




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Alex Hepburn - Under
I have to go soon, away where I am at...

My mother put a flame towards where I am at that they started to doubt me badly. While when I talked last time with my mother, I was defending the people I live with...

But, appearently, that's a bad thing to do... My mother made up stories with like 10 percent of what I said adding 90 percent a lie...
My brother now intends to sue me and confind me into a bad place, just in case something would happen to his daughter.

I cried somuch... When he went bad to me, Josie yelling at me she'd kill me. Katty pushed and threw me in my room and screamed and yelled at me. I didn't understood what happened...

So, ... appearently in their eyes I'm a second 'Cruella'
All, I can say is that I need to leave... Katty wanted to throw my stuff out... I was shocked that they are so angry at me while I only tried to protect them...

I'll give a small example of what has been said:

mum:"Katty is gonna pay, she'll loose her job when I tell this to the judge!'
Me: "Give it up, Katty is good person and she'll have another job by the time you can sue her for something that stupid!"

Appearently that's wrong...

My brother said how, unrespectful I was... How evil, how bad... I am...

My mother said: 'My daughter is a spy'
Would you imagin how I feel? No one trust me here anymore...

So, ... I have to leave here... I don't want to stay here, if they really think I'm that 'bad' person, I have to go...
Go, just go... I just wish I knew where...




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Mobi - Why does my heart feel so bad
Ya'll know that I lost my art thanks to my brother's mishap years ago...
But I know there people out there that have my old art saved...

Please, I'd like to have anything back from before 2006...
I only have lil' images found on my old photobucket but these are the ones I'm searching for

 photo emotion_50.png
 photo emotion_49.png (Sahtori / Carrie phox in her winter fur )
 photo emotion_48.png
 photo emotion_47.png
 photo emotion_46.png
 photo emotion_42.png
 photo emotion_41.png
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 photo emotion_37.png
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 photo emotion_34.png
 photo emotion_33.png
 photo emotion_32.png
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 photo emotion_30.png
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 photo emotion_27.png
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 photo emotion_19.png
 photo emotion_17.png
 photo emotion_13.png
 photo emotion_11.png
 photo emotion_10.png
 photo emotion_9.png


if you have more then older art the ones of 2002 - 2004 I'd love them too, they are needed for a portfolio, but you all know the story that my bro didn't fully copy my drive and lied that he did... So please I'd be very happy

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

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  • Listening to: Mobi - Why does my heart feel so bad
To reply to most of your questions. The police wont do ANYTHING untill something happened.
I stood at the cops, the cops came here over 5 times, I went there over 5 times BEGGING to help me.

So my doctor thinks it's best for me to hide myself in a psyciatric centrum.
I never told this to anyone before. But my mum has a lot of influence with very bad people.
She wanted to poisen me, that's why I moved. She doesn't mind beeing locked for this, she doesn't feel remorse...

How do you think I stayed all these years with those threats... I take them serious, but this time I have someone to stay with, Katty. But she's threatning her too. I'm scared...

----

2 weeks no sign of growth or shrinking.

Deaththreats now of my mother, I don't dare to sue her... I can't sue her, I have no money, I've got nothing.
She knows people that can kill me... I'm so scared...

I'm tired, I'm sorry people, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry...

BTW, for people, the site is closed. I can't pay for it anymore. walibifanprojects closes end this month. I'm really sorry...

It's ok, I'm sorry... I fail, I fail at everything I do...

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
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  • Listening to: Mobi - Why does my heart feel so bad
Well, my mother wont give my laptop back even if I have the documents it belongs to me. She keeps saying I gave it as a gift. The computer I'm running on now is crashing a lot of times... So I'm afraid it wont be long anymore and it's dead, just like my mum tried to kill herself again. All I demanded was the Amphora, laptop and my two sweaters cause I have it buttcold here when you get outside and I paid for them myself FAIR and SQUERE.

She triedy to kill herself on X-mass eve they found her next day on the ground unconsious, My granpa did his usual routine and found her like that.

I don't know what to think anymore.

All this call for attention...

Well, I'd say i'd do commissions to get myself a new 'cheap' computer but I'm afraid it's not possible, the drive of my tablet doesn't run anymore and de-instalinng it doesn't help over and over...
It's just a 'school' computer that's made for just making documents, my Vaio I got from Xivk could handle anything...
Just he crashed and I had no money to fix it since it's out of warrenty so temp got from gramps this one...

Other then computer my head had scans, tumor grew back... almost 0.7 mm going to a cm... meaning in total it grew 1.25 CM. So it's going rapidly, I already got told I walk around enraged for no reason sometimes so I'm afraid I'm going down softly...
We're going back to 5 CM...
I don't dare to start a campaign. I saw on tv how many people do frauds and SUCCEED at it, ok in the end it's jail time for them but I got so shocked that people do such a thing, shaving their head bald, beeing sick, loathing the rich lady so they can have a comphy life.

I want to tell everyone, I'm not like them, I don't have a comphy life. I sleep on the floor on a matras. I had to leave a lot of precious stuff behind. I can't aford diners that are expensive, I can't aford an 'ipad or ipod' or Iwhatever.

I'm grateful with the smallest things in life. I'm glad I got air, I'm glad and I hold my hands for it that Katty took us in. Even though I know this situation wont stay like this...
I miss a good hug, I miss love, I miss all those special things in life...
I don't know what to do, even I can't aford the chemo pills anymore...

I was surprised that I had such a good Christmas with Katty and my brother and his gf and kid. I never laughed so much. Though on the back of my head I kept thinking: 'Will I have this next year? Will I be there next year? ...'

So yeah, if anyone can spend just a cent or anything, I really need those chemo's... I want to get out of the sickness...
I can't offer much, just this I supose...
I want to thank you all for just reading this.
Before I go, I tried working for a week, I had a job... But I colapsed after a week, Chronical burnouts... I didn't got fired, I had to quit cause the boss said that my dedication to this job was really amazing and if he'd fire me I can't get a job anymore...

So, I tried...

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
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Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


www.livestream.com/sahshrine it's a new URL



Well, I'm very very very very very tired. I had to choose if I wanted to get into psyciatric instituation, stay
I'm beeing forced for the moment to move on my own ASAP. But when the papers where placed I have barely income they really went like: ...

I kind of have to say it's tiresome this entire ordeal. Knowing my mother still lives next door, placing stuff in the hallway to 'hurt' my feelings. I shut down my old phonenumber. Because she'd text me to feel 'sorry' for her.

And I want to think: 'No, you've been going on about this before we were even born...'
I'm changing my last name soon... I don't know if I'll be in Florida, since I heard dad has so much in 'peto' for us. I assume he wont pay for my ticket to fly over there so ... I probably wont go cause I can't aford it. But I really want to see my dad and start this thing...

I don't have much food, I'm half on medication, I can't aford chemo.
I think it's over... I keep hearing: 'you can't fall lower then that'

I keep thinking: 'probably' but in the end...
It can get worse... Because my mother has put me in so much debt that she had to go to the tax controle and tell them 'I' did mistakes for the healthinsurrence. Meaning my mother got to much money for them and since I'm FUCKING listed back then as head of household I have to pay over 20 000 euro's BACK!

It can't get any worse? IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE?!!! My skinillness started again, I'm full with wounds over my legs.
It can't get any worse huh.

My computer is dying, I want to do livestreams but my computer shuts down. I lost my drive almost with all my work on, really it can't get any worse...

It wont be long and I'll be sitting at the street asking for money...
Really...

Karma, shut up about karma, it's hitting me all the time.
Oh yes, someone i know who reads this will be going: 'Oh take the victum road, and act pathetic and sad so people will give you more money while I work so hard!'

NEWSFLASH, I tried to get jobs right now, I had a job for a week, guess what, BURNOUT! It's Chronical what am I gonna fucking do about that huh?

Wish that joke of the end of the world would exist... Then I could finally rest.

Cause this isn't live... Live should be about fun and not having worries.
Gosh...

I fail with everything I do... Everything...
I supose I deserve it, I supose...

I'm just getting so angry with how hard I try, I wont get it...
Read the books of 'The Secret' 'Identity' I tried thinking positive I kind of sitll do, thinking this is all a bad dream...

I don't know anymore what to do,

if you want commissions just, I'll notify when I'll be on livestream if this computer doesn't have a fail day...

I know, things can get worse... I'm not the only one with problems, I know that...
Just, one of these days I'll just 'go' on my 'own' way...

I can't handle it anymore I'm afraid...
I'm tired of these rejections. I'm tired of beeing in this position, I'm tired of those lies against me...

More all, I'm tired of how this is all heading...

One Pony (my "Dreamy" Style) with simple bg 15
Two Pony Romantic interacting (my "Dreamy" Style) simple BG 22
Comic of MAX 5 Panels (my "Dreamy" Style) ... Lets discuss that... ( rather not take those for the moment )
Design a Pony - 20 Creating Cutie Mark 5 (I will give the cutie mark as a VECTOR and PSD so you can RE-USE it as much as you'd like)


Anthro BUST commissions B/W 10
Anthro BUST commissions collored 15
Full body Anthro commissions B/W 22
Full body Anthro commissions 28

No couple commissions for the moment.

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
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Not much choice. I went to my social services for my healthdepartment since I'm not getting anything.

they needed everyone's income. So they looked and looked and decided my 'WIG' status will be removed. Meaning I get a small discount of going to the doctor. Now it means I got to pay FULLY for Chemo's, fully for medications fully for EVERTYING

Now the worse part comes.

I can't get anything anymore, no income. All those around me have to take care of me. Worser, they CAN'T take care of me. Steve and his family will be moving (thus are saving) to be on their own. And I'm forced to stay with Katty till end of June because then they will FORCE me to move on my own.

I told them: 'How? How am I going to do that?'

So I can not aford, my medications, chemo's not even food. I'm drinking water of the hose or however you call it.
I'm forcefully reduced to intnet expensives. My mother wont give back the digicorder so I have to call the police. I shut down 'PRIME' for her but I know her, she knows the code to see movies so I'll probably get a bill for that.

I got nothing anymore
I don't know how to pay Katty 200 euro's a month.
I just had a small chemo which will be my last one. I can't aford the therapy's anymore. It is OVER.
I can't pay for the meds it's all OVER.

So really if you want to spread this for just less then a cent or anything you can spare, please, I really need those medications.
Please don't feel forced. I only ask it if you can and want too do it...

I was tired of someone's comment who went like: 'look at her begging, while I'm working.'

AGAIN I'm not allowed to work in this condition but I'm looking for a job, I'm cleaning other people's dirty filthy houses for 20 euro's, I TRY! -_-

I'm so sad...

I'll put the pony auctions this weekend on ebay I'm very weak right now...
so I tried, I really tried badly...

One Pony (my "Dreamy" Style) with simple bg 15
Two Pony Romantic interacting (my "Dreamy" Style) simple BG 22
Comic of MAX 5 Panels (my "Dreamy" Style) ... Lets discuss that... ( rather not take those for the moment )
Design a Pony - 20 Creating Cutie Mark 5 (I will give the cutie mark as a VECTOR and PSD so you can RE-USE it as much as you'd like)


Anthro BUST commissions B/W 10
Anthro BUST commissions collored 15
Full body Anthro commissions B/W 22
Full body Anthro commissions 28

No couple commissions for the moment.

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me on EBAY? Updated :heart:
ONE of a KIND auction!

www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864534… SET OF 7 + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864536… Fluttershy + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864537… Twilight Sparkle + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864538… Rainbow Dash + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864539… Rarity + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864540… AppjeJack + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864541… Pinkie Pie + Bonus
www.benl.ebay.be/itm/200864541… Derpy Hooves + Bonus


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Edit: Results aren't good 0.2 mm grew back on the tumor... Blood shows that the value's are higher and they need to be lower so EXTRA medication...
I went to a special lady for guidence...

My bloodpresure seems fine. Also I'm getting a new doctor, this doctor is going to remove a part of my breast, you read it right...
I need to remove half for my 'back'. I got troubles with my back... If doctor can proof (no problem) this surgery would be free...

Well... 0.2 mm grew back...

I guess ... I dunno anymore... MRI showed bloodclunts again in my womb. Meaning I need a courtage.

I can't aford it... I guess I just get sicker... I guess I better just 'give up'; I'm tired, exhausted...
Can't aford my medications for just a simple bronchitis. I cough up a lot of ... green stuff. I got moments I can barely breath...

I know I had to leave my mother... But if I didn't leave mum, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I lost everything...

I guess, I'm going to sell my 'Mew Collection' that's really dear to me. It's just a small collection and my mewtwo.
I got no bed, probably selling my computer, ...

I just ... I think I'm going to take all my meds one day, I'm feeling close to it again... I know I should go to EPSI, but what's the FUCKING point!?
More bills from another hospital, ... I'm tired of this situation.

Oh gods, ... Fuck me... Really...

If I knew I'd end up like this... I would have taken all my meds sooner...
This is not how I want to live... Fight, what's to fight for? To pay off my debts? cancer? all that?

Fuck, ... I don't know anymore, I know nothing... well, I'm on livestream if you want to order one of my stupid artworks. I'm exhausted but I'll work on it... www.livestream.com/goddessofth…

Guess I'll work as hard as I can to get Chemo and to get my Chemopills. They are finished since today.
I need them urgently. But I keep thinking what for... I see no goal in live anymore, just BLACK.

Oh, on the side note, I got a free white man's coat today cause I have no jackets to run through this weather...
So something good happened... Free male white coat...

_____


I didn't got Chemo today

So wednesday, I explained my doctor how I'm doing when I had to cancel and she wasn't really happy also about the fact that I was sick the past two weeks with stress and now I need to get a mri-scan this wednesday cause she fears it's growing.

I kept thinking I'm sick of stress. I get these informations that I have NO more income, I have NO more savings (that I saved up for the Chemo) I am beeing sued by my own mother and I had to respond that she could do that but of course my doctors will provide in court my syndroms, cancer etc. So I just had to 'let' it happen instead of getting a lawyer immediatly.

On top of that I'm forced to pay my mothers wages or how you call it an income so she can survive? 200 euro's a month. But I declined for that payment. I'm not RETARDED. I have post-traumatic-stress disorder but that doesn't mean I'm retarded. I just can't handel stress situations well...

Lets throw on 'top' of that that I have a heavy loan I'm paying off till june in july it's no more payment.

Soooooooooo, I have to admit on a sober way. I'm pretty f*cked...
So, I think to keep an Artist week starting tonight on my livestream. I'm availeble to talk to, you can buy art from me.
If you WISH to donate, that is UP to YOU.  I'm not forcing anyone to donate and I don't want to sound like a BEGGER.

But I see no other options to try to SURVIVE out of this...

It might be a few weeks to SURVIVE through the fundings I need...
I will show products that I'll put up for SALE on e-bay. Like a RARE - Trixie LunaMoon with ... sparkles. In her BOX.
Next week I hope to finish the NEW calender for 2013 for those who believe there will be one ;)

So, if you'd like to talk suport this is the 'link' I am on -> www.livestream.com/goddessofth…

There will be breaks and in that time I WILL be... Streaming MLP episodes or the new TMNT 2012 Episodes. Whatever you pick is fine with me.

I apoligize for the horrible COUGH I have for the moment. I had a small bronchites appearently... XD...

So yeah without further ... adu?

One Pony (my "Dreamy" Style) with simple bg 15
Two Pony Romantic interacting (my "Dreamy" Style) simple BG 22
Comic of MAX 5 Panels (my "Dreamy" Style) ... Lets discuss that... ( rather not take those for the moment )
Design a Pony - 20 Creating Cutie Mark 5 (I will give the cutie mark as a VECTOR and PSD so you can RE-USE it as much as you'd like)


Anthro BUST commissions B/W 10
Anthro BUST commissions collored 15
Full body Anthro commissions B/W 22
Full body Anthro commissions 28

No couple commissions for the moment.

-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me? - will be updated upcoming DECEMBER -
Ebay is the place - www.ebay.com/sch/sahtorikamaya…

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/goddessofth…

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> goddess-ofthe-night.tumblr.com…


Soon for sale

Laguna; Sahtori and Fe'Ather in sculptures.

The new site will be themed iabout 'StarGazers' so if you have any idea I'd really like to hear it.

The site will show new comics, an official comic if I can get Evana's butt on the line to it. The comic will have every 2 months a special skethbook for sale on Lulu.com

I'm looking for artist who would love to 'help' to work with me to make the site bigger with talents of 'shading and backgrounds'
For the moment I can not offer any payments...

But I can offer you art of myself in return. That is a promisse

Who of you guys is interested in a 'Trixie Doll' for bid with glittering and all.

*is annoyed* my Fe'Ather doll I just had to throw away because the clay had turn to hard. All I asked that "woman" was to keep it wet. But the doll is ruined after 2 days while I was through Chemo and needed rest. 7 HOURS of works just been scrapped off the model that's Fe'Ather's base...

The head was PERFECT. Realistic
I'm still looking for how to attach 'hair' to a clayed doll (that DRIES) not baking...


I'm 70 percent done with unpacking my 'new' room at Katty's. Allthough I keep in mind I'll be transferred probably...

I'm having troubles to adjust but I supose ... *sighs* ...
I'm poor like heck. I'm glad they feed me. I'm not used to getting food.

Although I can't eat, I didn't eat yesterday but I got some today but I could not even finish a child diner...

*sighs

I'm just all over in my head with troubles...

I envy that Katty goes to an X-Mass market thuesday and the next day she's for 4 days in Tunesia. I could have tagged along but I have no fundings. All I have is around 160 euro's on my bankaccount and I need to be careful.

My chemo for monday is cancelled. Can't pay for it no more...

I guess both ways are deadly, Staying at that "woman" would have been my end, maybe here too... I lost everything. I have no bed, no closset, no big sturdy box for my stuff...

I guess should be happy with the scraps I have left... I just, I think I'm going to sleep...

I feel different, I see nothing  but 'black' before my eyesI can't see anything in my future...
I can't plan anymore, I can't ... I feel lost, I really do...

And please stop sending request in my notes to let me get married to someone just so I can get in the USA. I'm not going that ROAD.
Even if my one foot is standing in the grave, I'm not going to 'profit' of someone like this...

I don't deserve it...

What can I say... Guess I did a lot of bad stuff in my life and I'm paying for it I supose...

I can't even look at myself anymore in the mirror... I am discusted of myself...

I don't deserve anything...
-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/do…

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

Want to buy something from me? - will be updated upcoming DECEMBER -
Ebay is the place - www.ebay.com/sch/sahtorikamaya…

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/goddessofth…

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> goddess-ofthe-night.tumblr.com…


Edit: I can't aford this monday's chemo therapy, they wont do another 'we'll get your payment later'
I feel like quiting chemo and just let it go... I feel very depressed.

End of stupid Edit


My body, soul, heart feels bad. Knowing a new beginning is waiting beyond my imagination...

But I get the one threat after the other of my mother. She pressed charges against me and reported me for earning money behind the goverments back. Meaning the donations. I told her they were for my chemo and showed her the evidence I have cancer.

She laughed at my face and said: 'You have no cancer, all you want is 'pitty'
I stood there like: ' ... '

My depression is fake, my problems are fake. "I said I have no mother anymore"
it went like : "me me me me me me me me me me" eventuelly... yesterday she demanded the key of the postbox NOW!
I texted her I was at the doctor and I could not do what she wants IMMEDIATLY.
She told me she'd leave me alone "forever"

I'm in a tough knot because of her. Tomorrow I have to go to check my psyciatric institution. Yes, I have to go 'through' it 'AGAIN' and EPSI is warned for my condition. Everyone seems to be scared I'd kill myself.

Mum threatened she'd put us in debt with it. I laughed at her with: 'Your pills are proven they don't kill you, just doze you off. 4 or maybe 5 doctors said it to you and us. We are not stupid, I on the other hand have the medication to do such action and I would not survive it...'
She laughed and went like: 'You think 'I' would pay for your funeral?'
I grinned and went like: 'Yes, you are the only 'parent' on my papers isn't it?'
Her smile vanished quickly. I know I wouldn't do something this stupid. I am not in 2008 anymore. Everyone calls me strong. I might be but when I get my downs I just 'sleep' through them. That's how I pass the 'death feeling'

I can't aford my next chemo coming 3rd of december. Infact I can't aford anything anymore. I'm working on a callender for sale for 2013 (those who believe that 21 december is just another JOKE) and of course the MLP - FIM Pony Auction. There will be ONE SET on E-Bay once it's finished. The Mane 6 and Derpy Hooves.

Taking 'livestream' commissions right now is hard. I have no place in the room I currently I'm at. It's a total mess... my 'treasurechest' is broken. It holds al my skethes from when I was very young till now and all the comic's I learned to draw from...
It's over 80 KILO'S so yeah the desk in that room is quite... Yeah...

I sleep on the floor still. I'm starting to get used to the cats, dog, hamster and ferret. I'm having less astma attacks.
Doctor put me on a heavy vitamin cure, because I misscarried, I leak a 'lil wich is very ... annoying... so I got this 'vitamin revitalation' booster and I have to practice my hips or how you call it.

Katty is leaving the 4th to UK for shopping trip and the next day to Tunesie to see Mikey, I wish I could join but I'm in deep debts now.

I don't DARE to ask for donations because of the attacks.
I think the ATTACK that's currently going on here is enough ATTACK I'm having currently.

I know I got a lot of friends, suport and love around me and I think of everyone everyday. I feel sad to hear when things are wrong with you guys. My doctor is now trying to 'push' me 'out' to live on my own...

But I have nothing, I'm NOT allowed to work. I got that said AGAIN to my face by few doctors. SO HOW am I going to be able to move on my own and go to psyciatric and chemo? That's not going to work...

I feel so broken inside of me. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that Katty is a really good woman.
I kind of cried when she said she'd go to Tunesia without me. Because I kind of need 'suport' but I just went like *pushes those tears back* 'you go girl, you go have fun with the man you love, I'd be a 5th wheel on a wagon anyway XD'
But inside I feel a little... or maybe a lot... 'Alone' ...

I never wanted to part with my mother like this... It hurts when she tells you she is sueing you...
While all I ever did was everything for her.

She plays victum...

I lost everything... I barely eat... What's the point of it? I barely drink and my throat hurts. What's the point...
I can't do chemo anymore, I can't do anything anymore... I don't know how to pay my bills that come in.

I hope the lady knows good advice, I really do... But I'm sure it wont be a miracle...

Well, you got your revenge mum. But I wont kill myself, I know you want me dead... I know you that you were planning to kill me. You said so to people, you'd kill me in my sleep, you didn't mind to go to jail for that, wasn't it?

I heard you talk... I heard it all...

Am I now a person with no 'mama' ?

Since I'm rejected by her as child, not allowed to visit, sued for money to suport her monthly...

Seriously is this what all kids/grown ups go through when they leave their parents?
Cuz' $h!t!

-_- Oh well, I'm sorry guys... I try as hard as I can.





-K



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
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EDIT. New Start.

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 23, 2012, 4:12 PM
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Edit: As I sit now at Katty's I realised my sweaters are missing. I got from Katty one at Turkey and I bhought a (fake) Bench and of course my tiger vest from New Look.
So I knocked on the door asking if she'd PLEASE give my stuff back. She declined, demanding to get what's rightfully ours. She's going to sue me... SUE ME for emotional damage.

Yesterday they asked me: 'Would you be able to sue your mother?'
I was stunned when MS. De Groot asked me that. I kept thinking: 'What kind of daughter would I be if I did that?'

Then of course she smudges that 'news' in my 'face' ...

I spend hours later in a huge fever. While I know I'm not sick... I was so cold and my body felt so hot.
I realised that my body is really turning weaker...

I have no clothes for the winter. Those were clothes ment to survive the winter...
*sighs*

I still think I made the right choice but a part of  me feels like I should have sacreficed myself so my brother could move out peacefully...
I don't mind that she was using me from the deepest darkest part of her heart...

I feel broken, hurt sad... My body is really really 'weak'. I spend on my matrass for ours shivering.
I almost asked my brother to take me to the EPSI in Stuivenbert. I think I might do that... But I can't aford it...
I just don't know what to do...

Such manipulation she demands I'm going to pay the electricity and 200 euro's (my bro and his gf too) to 'suport' her
She claims she has the right for it. Which the cops said it's a total lie...

I feel so lost... I never felt so scared so ...
She meant everything to me, cuz grandma said that's the only reason my life was for... I just wanted to have her approvel...

Other news, I will be in KEY WEST in FEBRUARY for 2 weeks. For those who'd like to see me in RL. There will be a saterday or a sunday located at the dolphin area.
B'cause the other days I'd like to spend my time with my family who DO want me to be with them, I haven't seen my dad in 7 years...

So I hope ya'll understand I'm doing just a 'one day' thing. I will be back at Key West other times. But I think for my first VISIT to the USA I really have to talk and discuss a lot with my Stepmum and my dad.

So, I hope you guys understand.

End of UPDATE



Moved, no more bed. It broke, desk is broken, my treasurechest (were I stored all my stuff) broken.
I sleep on the floor, but I'm content...

I know I'm in a lot of moneytrouble now. My mother decided to report the donations I have gotten for my chemo. But I should not get in trouble for that. But she made up a story that I got almost amounts of 50.000 euro's. ... Which is a total LIE.

I got nothing but threats on my phone. Just the one lie after the other that it's not normal anymore.
'I'm going to kill you!' - 'I'm going to ruin your entire life'

And I think I can go on like this for a long time.

I have no money to fix my room, to get a bed or a desk or anything for that matter. Not even Chemo... She stole everything and emptied my last card for emergencies. I had one left and yeah, I trusted my mother with the codes. She emptied when she had the chance so now I have an extra debt of 3250 euro's to that bank.
2500 euro's she stole and 'claims' that it's stolen.

So I can not count right now on my own sources it's really really really ... bad now...
But I'm not giving up of course.

I made the step. I'm at Katty. I went to the cityhale. The social services is going to help me which is ... Amazing. They can not help me financialy but with other emotional stuff they can.

It seems compared to my brother I've been hit the worst...

Someone said again, how strong I am. I'm sleeping now for the second day and I'm going to bed in a bit... I hope to sell some artwork at the second Brony Meet.

I hope... I'm stuck  when it comes to saving but the step has been made. I need to pay of course Katty my stayings I'm not gonna stay here for free eh.

But with my money now taken away from the social services tempelary until figured out what's going on. I have no income at all.

Well, I guess we are of to a pretty good start...

-K



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skin by WikiME

Moving so ... goodbye...

Mon Nov 19, 2012, 2:32 AM
Time to move to Katty, if I'm more quiet then usual it's cause I might not have my own 'net' yet... I have to move my own stuff to there...

I'm really tired already...

I just had chemo and I should be RESTING. But I have another doc at 4.30 PM so I got to bite this through. I'm sweating like a pig in a room that's colder then a freezer...

I hope I'll be there soon for you guys. I hope this time  got the insperation...

I wish it didn't had to end this way...

-K



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A sad ending...

Thu Nov 15, 2012, 5:30 PM
Well, this is going to be difficult to write about...

Normally I wanted to keep this at a certain amount of people...

Lets start at the beginning... I had a fling when I was in kusadasi, I've been single for over 7 years, meaning also 'pure' etc...

Someone liked me a lot over there and I have to thank this person a lot for showing that someone can still 'be attracted' to someone... like ... me...

I really opened up thanks to "Sam"... Of course we no longer see eachother...

We spend a few nights together of course I noticed after the first time .... no protection... -damage is done...-
Considering I have cervical cancer in it's early stage and it looks like it's healing well since everything is starting to work like it should be. I had a 'huge' stop for a long time... meaning the 'system' was shut down for a very 'long' time...

I had asked the doctors before if it's possible to get pregnant since they asked if I have a childeren's wish. I don't really have a childeren's wish, more of a 'I wish to help someone OUT to get a child so meantime I can expierence the feeling of 'what' it is.'
I had put for a long time a 'sign' to become a suragate mother for couples who can't have childeren untill I was discovered I was 'sick' but ... anywho...

All I get are medication's, removal of the womb isn't nececary but as Doc. De Keyser said a few months ago, 'Congratulations you are ovulating again'(meaning I'm 'HEALING' - I'm starting to wonder if the english term of what I have is right but when I put it google translater - this is what I get)

I didn't took serious with 'how' he said it...

So yeah, my fling with Sam was short but left a 'present'.
Days I had pain a huge amount of pain. My blood was taken. Before the weekend...
Saterday at my first 'Brony (Mini) con' I was at the Mc Donalds with other Bronies and I felt this 'leakage' I went to the ladies room and noticed 'bloody/water' just thinking: 'Hmm, I'm not going to spoil the mood it's fun right now...' (but the pain was intense; in meantime I'm still leaking flued...)

So of course monday I went to the doctor and of course I got the news at wednesday I "was" 'pregnant'

I remember having that thought earlier cause I did a pregnancy test, they gave this 'special' one. I asked if it's possible to see after 10 days. 'Yeah, no problem, no problem at all' this guy said.

I did the test but it didn't said positive or negative neither the other option. When I returned 10 min later it showed softly 'positive'
I think this story is to 'weird' to make up but I kept playing 'Celine Dion - Fly' asking 'it' to go... Cause I'm not good enough to put a child on the world...

I knew in my heart that 'IF' I were pregnant, this child would not survive. I have Chemo, I have heavy medication... I have a very stressful live...

So I kept saying: 'If you are here, 'Fly' please fly, my little wing...'
So saterday I had the leakage, I called to the cellphone of my doctor when I got home after the brony meeting who said: 'Take blood monday'

I lost a little life inside of me. A little miracle...

I knew immediatly when I heard the news that this is for the best.
I kept thinking, 'my mother would find another reason to keep 'me' and the child 'here'' ... ' I wouldn't be a good mother...' a lot went through my mind...

My doctor listened to every word I said and reasoned with: 'It would not have survived anyway, not even if you stopped all your treatments all your medication since everything is in your blood. If you are considering to get pregnant, you are healing fine from the cervical cancer, it seems almost gone, but we need to test you for the next 6 years if it's surely gone. But if you are considering a child, we need you first to be healthy and then wait a year to get all the medication out of your system'

So I was listning but I kept beeing vague. I kept this to myself.

My doctor said that 'if' the system works, 'I'm healing'

I lost 1.7 cm meantime at my tumor for spending time with dolphins and a warmer area.

I feel better, stronger but still unsure of the future.

Since yesterday (wednesday back then) when I heard the news...
I feel in a daze, ...
Everything is checked for illnesses, I got nothing from Sam. Which is good... Butl like I said, what was 'here' inside me for such a small 'time' makes me really ... I don't know this feeling...

I'm sad and content at the same time. Knowing I'm healing... I'm written OFF the list for 'Terminal' thanks to 'dolphin therapy' and this is special. If no change would have come by end THIS month, we would have given up since I do not have the funding anymore... (I need to save up for the continueing chemo's and right now I have almost to 'nothing')

The doctors look at this as 'a miracle' "you are healing, showing this means your body is getting stronger, your mind is getting stronger, you are going to get there"

But when they say that. It seems those words 'bounce' to a shield that's around me...
I am glad... for this news... but ... sad ...

I'm glad that I'm going to move, I'm glad ... for friends like all of you...
I'm so happy but why does my 'little wing' that I lost make me feel so sad. I asked a friend that's into spirits and such. She told me that "she's" around me. My little wing...

Am I doing it wrong by thinking about this? Should I move on about this, and HOW should I move on about this...

...

I know my little miracle would NEVER survived... I know that... I understand

I'm so ashamed about the fact I had even a fling since I close myself off for love. But meeting Katty made me feel different. Katty is my neighbur. Who longs for adventure exitment. She and Mikey made me meet Sam. A guy who's really special. But I didn't fell in love. I felt special that someone liked 'someone' like me in such a way that you just want to be in his arms and it felt 'right'. It felt right what I did, opening to someone instead of 'shouting' them away.

I haven't told Sam yet about this, I don't know if I should. People tell me not too and also I cut ties with Sam... It was just an adventure... A lesson
I love someone from the bottem of my heart but I know I'll never BE with him. When I was in Sam's arms, ... I just thought how it would be if it would be 'him' holding me.

Later when I got back in the plane... I thought, 'It's time to 'move' on, don't stay in the past, don't get on your knees for a guy who doesn't know what the meaning of 'true' love is.

My mother of course had to ruin it again. 'Every guy who wants S E X can get it U P.'
Katty screamed at my mother with: 'You're daughter has it hard to open up to others this is what she needed.'

Speaking of 'her' she wrote me a 'goodbye' sms that I had to call the cops. The cops were looking all over Deurne while she just slept in the bed of my granpa. The cops and I were steaming mad.
I asked if it's possible to take her into psyciatric place but appearently, 'if she doesn't want it' it's not possible (someone has to explain when they did it with me...'

Well, lets hope 'auntie red' visits by monday or I need a courtage and I'm broke like hell... I got nothing LEFT anymore. Shay helped me to cover the chemo of the 5th and this upcoming monday... But I got nothing anymore...

I need to find a way to find my new home... I need money for tickets, I need money to move my stuff, I need money to get my ferret ready for such a big move...

But with all I went through the past months I don't dare to ask anymore. I don't dare to do anything anymore...

I got this: 'Fuck it' attitude but I'm still scared of how people respond...
Like I wrote at the top: 'This is to weird to believe it, I can't seem to 'take' this inside me to let it sink in and start to process it'

I'm sorry I'm not active for the moment online. REAL LIFE *points up* is right now taking all my attention... I do not mean to do this on purpose... I'm sorry if you feel neglected, I will get back to anyone here. I know a few don't want to talk to me anymore and have nothing to do with me, you know who you are, I can't force you, I wont either, just do what you think is right even if you think right now the worst of me. It's your mind, I'm not going to change it...

All I know is, I'm sorry.

I explained my situation... I hope it's enough...

I don't know how to 'cope' with this. You all say I'm strong but right now I feel 'broken' ... 'empty'
I'm ... I don't know what I am and how I feel right now. It's a mixture of emotions that make this one emotion I don't know it's name of.

Sadness, confusing, pride, ...

I'm sorry for the confusing journal, but this is how I feel...

But, to my 'little wing' ... Fly, untill we meet again...
Thanks for showing the doctors and me and all who reads this that there is hope for the future... I wish I could have given you a 'meaning' in life... But it seems the Gods had other plans... Maybe this was your 'meaning' for the little time you was inside of me... I love you even if I'll never be able to hold you to touch you to hear you... to see you....

But thank you... I know you wont read this, but I just want ...
I love you... fly little wing, fly were only Angels sing, fly away the time is right, go now... find the light...

-K



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Differences... a new battle?

Tue Nov 13, 2012, 3:16 PM
Yes, I'm no longer: 'Goddess-ofthe-Night'

The site will close down before the end of this year and be renamed.
I've learned that even when you are nicknamed as a 'Goddess'
People look different at you. I want to use the name I use as 'online' avatar: 'Sahtori Kamaya'

When I'm in Florida my RL name will change too.
I wont be a 'Coenen' anymore but I'll cary the name of my father and I'm changing: 'Karine' as well.

So my mother wont be able to find me anywhere on this world...

This is what I want...

I hope you understand.

So expect a lot of changes.

I'm sorry I turned quiet. I'm thinking how in the world I'll be able to move.

Cause... *grins* I'm going to get kicked out by my mother, but I don't care...

I no longer feel the bond to keep on saying: 'Yes' and continues forgiveness...
I feel different... I feel I finally feel that knife she has put on my throat before birth...

and now, I pushed her away and I sense I'm running to all dirrections for her not to hunt me with that knife...

I have no money or anything anymore thanks to her 'robbing' need in Kusadasi... So, ... I need to figure out how I can earn money, besides a job, since I'm still in a program of Adante. Tomorrow I will tell them I need to be out of there asap. I finally will talk to my doctor.

I had to laugh someone said: 'You are really positive and strong.'

I had my first Brony meet last saterday but I had to return into my 'own' world (as they call it - but it's not what you think it is...)
I had to lay down and sleep, feel, see and heal. (I had a major cold)

It's amazing that social contacts in RL can really exhoust me to the moment that I pass out and need days to recover...

I wonder what's up with that?

Meeting and standing next to Gabriel Iglesias, a person I really look up to has made me really happy, especially when he signatured my skethbook for luck.

It's really amazing... Those small things in life can make me smile so much... It's really amazing.

I don't need fame, I don't need money, all I want is ... freedom...

But to get to the point I need to be, I need to think how I run away. Cause moving with Madoka (my ferret) and my belongins + health is not going to be 'cheap'

I supose in the end, it will be worth while, so is this my new battle?

-K



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It starts...

Tue Nov 6, 2012, 11:08 AM
I'm in the state of Florida in January... If you want to meet me... Let me know. I'm starting the process to 'be on my own' I'm just waiting for the news of my tumor... I had a very positive call of my doctor today, I had to go for chemo yesterday thank you Shay for helping me, I OWE you so much...

I think this dolphin therapy is helping me a lot...

I think I know where I have to go...

I always felt the ocean's calling for me but I'm scared of the ocean... But when I was on the Jet-Ski looking at the land... I felt something I never felt before...

And now this returning dream of falling off the Jet-Ski and just dive and turn into a dolphin returns over and over.

I think I'm going to look to live somewhere close to a shore where dolphins visit often. Where I can be in touch with them. Just like my dad said on the phone, they often just swim around the boat, but be careful he said, they can be dangerous.

I think, I'm going to look for a place somewhere peaceful, a small place close to the shore, close to dolphins... Close to a world I long too...

So again, I'm in Florida in January. If you want to meet me... Let me know... I'm thinking to try to work for DisneyWorld, I don't care if I have to sell popcorn. But if I'm close to a shore with dolphins who are free. I don't mind even cleaning the streets...

-K



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