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:star: EDIT...

Not ME but HER -> hello-tech.deviantart.com/jour…
She has less then a week to move out and she has no money, she's being kicked out...
I know how that feels (you all know I went through it recently myself...) , can you guys please help spreading the journal for this girl or helping her, she sells very cheap commissions and it looks like in my opinion she's very talented! Please help her. It would make a pretty birthday gift for me by just spreading this :heart: ... xxx

- S

____


Well it's been a really tough week. I had to visit often the ER cause of often the pain stings got so horrible I could barely breath. One time my left arm became a bit numb and I panicked and went with a cab to the ER. So yeah I kind of blew my food money into taking a cab since Ambulances are very expensive...

So... ahum...

I don't feel like talking what all happened because honestly everything seems like a blur. I slept a lot and when I was awake I was at the ER... So everything else I did is really vague...

All I know is thanks to a medication 'Sintrom' my heart is doing better. Since yesterday I can walk back the stairs without getting all tired after halfway through.

The pains will be Chronicle though... *sighs*
But the bloodclunts are gone.

The painful blood taking out of my wrist was the "cherry top" of a wonderful week...

So yeah I'm now 'version 3.0' or I'll say I turned for the second time 29
I can't believe time is flying by so fast.

I noticed a lot of people are worried. I'm really sorry I'm not 'responsive'
I checked even the gallery today and just one page further is art from 2010 - 2011
Shook my head a few times that I realised that my creativity is gone really below compared to the past were I pushed myself to finish atleast ONE artwork a day. Those who knew my "Angel-Paws' dA spot know what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to find all scraps of my old artworks since the drive is 'dead'

So yeah. if the pain keeps being numbed like this I hope to be back in action next week... I seriously am hoping that.

Thanks for reading. x


-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
  • Watching: Futurama Season 7
Looks like I have days that are good and days that are bad...

I guess this will be a 'Time Out' week for me.
I'll try explaining why, I suffer for almost a week now from horrible 'chest pains'

I already went to the doctor since they started almost 2 months ago but were 'iregular'
After the check up they noticed my heart skipps over a few times. Nothing to worry about.

So from time to time I had those pains.
Now the day before yesterday I had to lay an entire day (also yesterday) in bed. My body wouldn't allow anything.
I dragged myself to go outside and I came home 'out of breath' in a lot of pain and the moment I placed myself down I felt my body was under attack. Today it "seemed" less.

I woke up and decided to take a nice 'cool' shower but halfway through ... the pains came back even right now the pains are horrible.
A few people called already on my cellphone to ask what's up with me.

So I decided to write this journal.
I'm skippin' for the 3rd time my chemo because I can't aford it.

By writing this I'd like to 'press' myself on I haven't asked for donations in quite some time. Someone (and I know who) decided to attack me during a livestream moment.
I haven't drawn much the past months for almost 10 months if I'm correct.

Yes, my art looks horrible yes, I know, keep pushing it in my face, becoming 30 and I haven't achieved 0
I haven't asked donations for a long time. Yes it's there below but I'm not asking.

Oh... I should be dead by now too...

Seriously... my health isn't well... But keep doing it... Really... Keep attacking, it makes a lot of people laugh.
Maybe one day 'I'll be gone' and then those words you've said... Will hurt you back.

Honestly I don't care... I'm not whining to get donations to get my chemo's, hah - man this week I'm missing my 3rd.
I'll do it myself with working with my 'crappy artwork and my crappy textures'

So, I don't need to be famous, special or anything else for that matter.

I'll just go on my own flow...

I'm just doing it on my own ritme, being myself. If you can't handle it. Your problem...
Not mines anymore...

I guess most of you fallow me for many years that my health hasn't been the 'best' for a long time.
...

*sighs*

I start to wish for the 'end' when I read things like this how people treat one and another... You get that famous 'meme' in your head.
'I don't want to live on this planet anymore'

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
www.livestream.com/sahshrine

Livestream is ON

The bidding commission is very special, if you look at the left on my page you see 'Kiss of a Mermaid' this is one of the most detailed commissions I've ever made...
That's what I'm offering in the BIDDING commission.
Two characters, inked, collored, shaded, bg, special effects and I'll give the PSD - if the winner wants. I'll livestream every time I'm working on the commission.

Or I'll record it and put it on youtube later.

3 slots open.
I'll draw anything (except PRON) yes this includes I'll draw humans from now on too... Anything...
Inked, collored, shaded simple BG

You can choose from either 1 character the total will be 25€
for an extra character it will be 32€

If you choose for a romantic pose I'm charging 35€ because the anatomy is more difficult than playful poses. I've already had a lot of problems in the past with certain poses -hence I don't do PRON commissions... I'm unpatient when it comes to 'these' kinds of poses.

Every saterday I'll livestream for busts who'll remain 10$ as they were in the past. I think that is fair enough...

What's to gain out of it, everyone who buys one will help me to continue my chemo and help me to keep living on my own...
I don't want to return to my mother or anyone else for that matter...

:star: Bid :star: starts @ 20€ current high bidder : 30 € by :iconrushforza:

Regular slots + progrss
1. :iconkustin: - awaiting instructions
2. :iconrushforza: - awaiting instructions
3. :iconxd-385: - awaiting instructions - discussing
4.
5.

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
I was wondering if you guys would be intersted to buy a sketchbook of 80 pages of me on lulu.com.
I might plan, i'm not certain yet to put a comic for sale on lulu.com or if anyone else has a nice publishing idea online...


-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
Tell me, you think I'll ever stand a chance with my art? It's ...
Upon an unfortunate series of events, I feel ... really broken, I have a lot of questions with: 'Why that artist and not me?'
I stand often in the comic shop wondering how some artist got the 'job'

And I wonder what it is with those promisses: 'You'll get a job, just keep drawing for us'
So fine I do that and boom... Steal my ideas and no reply or anything anymore.

So I wonder, I told my stepmum 'I just want a job' I don't need a job that's in the artist destrict, because I know how much I suck...
But I keep wondering: 'Why, just why... do people do that over and over with me...'

I try drawing more humans lately, anatomy wise, I know it's not on dA... I don't think it's something to be 'that' proud of
So I wonder... I always dreamed about a future as comic artist.

But I just don't feel that energy anymore after that many rejections...

;-;

-S




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI

.: EBAY:.

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Ride
Thanks guys, seems the staff noticed it, :3
allthough I wonder if I have a problem since I don't get that many comments on my own work - journals like I used too... Wich is really weird...

Seems Loish isn't the only one who has this problem, I noticed it myself too...
It seems a friend of mine has this problem too: :iconevana: her watchers are almost all gone...
help.deviantart.com/contact/

loish only got helped when more voices are heard. If possible can you do the same for Evana?
Thanks for reading this if possible SPREAD it. If you see yourself 'watching' her still check if you are on the list - if not - remove and REWATCH, that fixes the problem :3

So please spread it to help her. :3


-S






.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


.: Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
So, hello everyone, it seems that a lot of people are asking: 'What up Dog!'

Hmmm, yeah let's see I return a lil 'hazy' with an angered journal update cause someone is making journale asking them to spread them around to tell I'm a fraude and all while I have people that MET me in RL 'Bronies' from Netherlands, Belgium and also recently my dear friend Hakim, who I'm proud to call 'A brother' like 'Kenny'. A few people I have met in the USA who's username's I don't know. They were super long and sometimes I met so many people that I had difficulties to keep up the chats... If you feel like shouting it out, go ahead! Tell me how 'dazed off' I looked like
I met a lot of new people which was awesome but unfortionatly, I never made it to Key West... Even if I had a Key West Express boat just right next to me.

I stayed with my dad on a boat and enjoyed it. Knowing dolphins were around me but so far all I saw were fins... far away. Tough my dad calls now and goes: 'OMG KARINE THEY ARE JUMPING LIKE 50 M AWAY FROM ME! OMG THIS ONE 20M!'
So yeah,

Lets start with good news; ummm I'm moving next wednesday 1st may to my duplex, what's a duplex? Well it's not luxerious as it sounds...
I have two small floors, my work floor (no TV or couch) and my bedroom floor - private place. Madoka's allowed to live with me, I can't wait to pick her up, my little baby is turning in may 1 year old!
She was pregnant but... TT_TT ... So but I worked really hard to get this Duplex. It's a cheap rent. I share the bathroom and kitchen with other people in the home. Because I could not aford a regular appartment... So I got myself a 'STUDENT' home and decided to become a student again... Since they wont let me WORK! All I can do is wait for a job offer in USA or a study position but things don't go smooth. It's not like you are accepted and -bada bing bada boom- you got your work visa, a place to stay (with your pet allowed of course - and afordeble) plust healthcare...

About my tumor, so far it's been stabelised, it shrunk in total 2.7 CM that's almost half a thumb or for most almost a pink, if you have small hands like me...
(I got small hands) so that news is exiting...
Now, my doctor checked and compared my blood and she shook her head, I'm short of Vitamins but I get montly a vitamin shot, so we can't overdose it. My skin, in the past everyone, or most of you all, know I was diagnosed with Skin Cancer witch eventuelly turned out to be a DISORDER, but I was TREATED as a cancer patient for that. (No, can't sue...)
So my skin is actuelly very fragile. It takes sometimes 'months' for a wound to heal. Moquito bites are one of those I really try to avoid sometimes the year next they are still there... NOT kidding. that's what the mis diagnoses did for me... Broke my skin...

Now in USA, I noticed my wounds healing a lot faster and with comparing the blood we noticed we miss a lot of Vitamin D,
the only way to get that without 'overdosing' is go to a tan salon. I hate tanning salons, but so far, I just go for 5 min (loooong 5 min in my opinion) but the results are there. The wounds heal... So tadaaaaaaaaaaaa, my skin wants sun but I burn and get Sunstroke's how odd is that?
(also the damn mosquito's returned...)

So the .... bad news?

I went last week 'COLD TURKEY' on my medication for my condition. I'm diagnosed now with 'Borderline' including 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' and when I read it I felt like: 'F THIS, ENOUGH!' I felt like, this is going from ok to bad and from bad to worse and from worse to what the F@#$ is this $h!t?!!!'
In USA, I felt strong, confident but the moment I returned I felt like slacking off... and I was slacking off... (allthough finding a place to stay in less then a week is like... hard looking, since the other apartment was to good to be true... and it turned out to be a con too,...)

So yeah, I went 'cold turkey', going now with a horrible infection in my stomach right now. My entire body is right now ... Going weird, yesterday I looked so pale that I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breath...
But in USA I bought this : 'EZ Breathe Atomizer' (I hope to be able to order more of those bags; they are really good...) and I used it and like after 15 min of shaking like a rattlesnake, I could breathe, I started to get red cheeks again... my lungs opened...
So the housedoctor told me today that I'm taking a 'bold risk' doing this 'Cold Turkey' thing
Don't forget, I have Asthma and there is right now 5 cats in this apartments. NONE of them are mine... and I'm allergic to cats even though I love them so much... Not to mention Sheba skrathed me... and if a cat skrathes me... The wound isn't a pretty sight...

But yeah, lets say... It's getting there... Except for the bill I just got. I had help from friends and I worked on pony commissions with the laptop/mouse (my screen was broken but dad fixed it, I still got the picture of hell-laptop on FB) it's not easy... It truly isn't...

I'm seeming to dissepoint people again with probably 'quiting' another comic. Yes, the Walibi one... 'Nightmare in Shimmeria'
Why, for copyright reasons... Oh no, I can work with the CDA characters as much as I want as long I don't sell anything.

It's because my idea's I mentioned last year to a worker in Walibi was actuelly placed into 'reality' and that wasn't just a simple idea... It was just ... 'why?' they even IGNORE me; so that makes me think: 'They know!!!' and you can fool me for a long time but this was to much since the sentence: 'There's room in Walibi's Universe' is haunting me...
So I realised something about myself... I should stop spreading my idea's... So yeah, probably 'Nightmare in Shimmeria' will be offline untill I'm sure they can't STEAL...
Like for instance, I'm not braging or showing myself off. A gallery would like to publish my artwork and said to my stepmum: 'I haven't seen such a good artist for a long time' in DISNEY DOWN TOWN. Nope, after that compliment I didn't jump in the air, I stayed off the pink clouds. I have this: 'when I see it, I'll believe it' feeling. I've saw things in Disney Down Town (free area btw) that I did not understood how these artist... got their stuff published!

But just a photoshoped guitare with a bg you find simply by typing in google: 'Wallpaper Sunset' is pasted in it and is sold for over 3000 copies to 20$ a piece...

Where is the logic in this? That work must have taken like MAX 2 hours if you worked with a MOUSE.

So, yeah my stepmum went up to a few workers showed my work and they gave their cards... So that was, nice... it's not an "ego booster" or anything it's just: 'They like my stuff???? Seriously?????????????????? ummm ok, I guess I need to continue then...'
my stepmum said: 'I think you should continue in what you do.'
It seems I'm more build for that, altough... I want to use my hands for other jobs too, you know... I don't mind to get them dirty...
My right hand is full with scars and bruises and my left one has a weird 'bone bump' on it but that doesn't mean I can't work, I want to work... It's just that DAMNED doctors record keeps fallowing me and that's why I went 'COLD TURKEY'!

I want a job so badly! I want it, I want it, I'm tired of living like this. I can't aford anything. I'm glad to have a laptop but that's all I have...
I don't have fancy clothing, I don't have fancy shoes, I don't have a fancy bed (I'm going to live somewhere where furniture is included BTW) I don't have this nice 'life' people keep talking about, like 'omg' she's going on a vacation, seriously? After going through hell with my mother, brother and the one I trusted so much I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get out of here, I needed a solution, I needed to know my family that TRULEY loves me! Not the other part of my family that uses me for every penny I GOT!... Really, yes, I get help and I'm grateful for every suport I get.
I'm grateful for a lot of things. I'm glad I can still breathe, I'm glad the tumor is shrinking softly... (Lets hope it continues) I'm glad for so many things, I try to talk to everyone everywhere but a part of me is so frightened. Because first of all... I'm scared to loose more friends, especialy for those you've trusted for years but then you find out by an accedent they are back trash talking about you...
And then you keep trying but it just doesn't work, it's not the same anymore, you turn even more into your own 'world'
My world was 'dead' because of all those medications.
I had a huge depression and it got worse by fears and worse and worse and what did the doctors do ... and I let them?
Gave me higher doses; 'oh lets try this medication, or this one... Yes, this one should work.' I became a zombie and not a 'COOL' one.

If I see my gallery to my creativity compared to 2005 - 2008; to now? I'm 'DEAD'
All I seem to draw is the same thing over and over again... and that sucks man... I used to draw traditional and my artwork had more soul in it. Now it just looks plain DEAD to me. I'm ashamed of my work, I'm ashamed someone says: 'What potentional you've got'
Yeah, maybe you think that. No, I'm failing badly... and I didn't want that. 'Cold Turkey' with that $h!t, quit it... Ok, I'm suffering a lot right now... Fever, anxiety, anger, sadness but also HAPPYNESS and that feeling I haven't had like... *hits head* years????

That's what I want, I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy everything what's going on. It finally is making me happy to read those nice comments... Everything seemed to me for the past 3 to 4 years: 'DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD - ... DEAD!!!!'
I still think I'm no good for nothing but now I feel this emotion... it's been such a long time that I could drink something and actuelly ... TASTE THE FLAVOR of it... and treasure that moment. Like OMG this chicken is BEST chicken I've every TASTED!) Yeah that's what Anti-Depressants; Anti-Anxiety, Anti-harming etc what I all took you don't want to know, if you wanna know the link to 'TRUE STORY' is still online. The pictures are still on it.

A lot of us need to deal with this emotion on our own instead of 'numb' it out... I realised that the hard way.
To loose friends and then feel ... nothing...
But yeah, you kind of start thinking 'dead' if you live with your mum on the age of 'almost 30' and she expects you to be with her 'forever' and chase every friend you make in your life away from the appartment. Because you are her 'precious donkey that $h!t$ gold.

Now, I feel a lot of regret, understanding and kindness but also a lot of anger. Anger towards 'them' and anger towards 'myself'
For doing what 'others' told me to do. For letting doctors decide how to run my life instead of listning to other people.
But even though I have regret the way things are I have to think: 'I have no regrets' or I can't move on with my life...
All I can do now is to look forward and improve myself, it's going to be damn hard. But hey, like my stepmum says: 'Rome isn't build on one day.'

So yeah... I know a lot of you seem to ... hate me for some reason cause someone decided to say bad things about me. Again those people don't know me.

If you are going to a Brony Meeting in Belgium, I'll be in Leuven 15th of May and I'll try to attend more Brony Meetings and hopefully soon Artist Conventions. IF I can afford a table...

Because right now, I miss calculated BADLY. I thought I could deal with all of this... But no, my pocket can't deal with it, I'm afraid...
So yeah, I'm going to look for a working wire for my tablet and get to work ASAP.

I'll earn my title...

Now, that should do it... Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm not in controle of some emotions right now... But I'm doing my best...
I'll try be more 'open' and 'talk active' to you people. I'm not like 'some' artist ;)
I'm grateful for everything and I'll be always there for a chat

-S






.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


.: Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
Here we go www.livestream.com/sahshrine
I will be availeble to talk once I find my mic... it's somewhere...




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


.: Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
I wonder if I have the same problem... If some of the watchers 'died' or something...

Now ummm something really different then usual...

I signed today my contract... I'm moving on my own - 1 May I got my own place! Isn't it wonderful, sure it's small but cozy!
I'll have Madoka back with me... I'll be so happy and of course afraid... Afraid to be on my own ... But that's alright, right?

Man, you gonna see a buttload of new artwork and I can continue the Walibi comic and continue the commissions since the place I'm at, lacks space. I have no computer desk, just the ground and if you have allergies for cats and right now there like 5 cats a dog and 2 hamsters in the living, my medication says: 'F u, I'm out of here...'

So that's been the problem, I heard complains, yeah, I know, but the work is done exept I'm looking for one person who ordered a picture of him kneeling down and kissing my characters hand. Whoever ordered that please stand up? I can't find the name anymore...

Did people notice on FB I'm taking pictures of my artwork? Yeah, no scanner right now. Everything is packed and ready to go.
Besides my tablet; it's not 'broken' it's the wire that doesn't want to coperate anymore...
And I find a wire that looked like it but it doesn't seem to work...

Right now I didn't had any time to look around to find it either... First, no credit, I'm going to have to start working as full time artist for a while since I have no good income, it just covers up my rent so yeah... Heh, I need to get everything together and work...

So yeah, harrr...

What else, nothing I supose, my tumor seems stabelised... No growth for the time being... so yeah, just my doctor is leaving the hospital and I'm getting a new one (although I had him before but it's ok) so I'm curious...




.: D O N A T I O N :.
www.ethereal-worlds.com/donati…
Read the story -> www.ethereal-worlds.com/truest… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI


.: Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - curently

.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

Love my Walibi Fan Project?
Help me to get a job at Walibi as artist:
www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… share it, I'd be really happy

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
Well, I'm not a fraud;
I'm tired of telling people over and over and over I aint one but "someone" behind my back has been spreading lies about me.
And frankly, I know 'YOU' read this, QUIT making fake accounts and go like 'She's a fraud, yeah I KNEW her and I bla bla bla'
I'd suggest you'd stop it or I'll start spilling beans A'ight? Cause frankly I'm tired of reading and hearing from other people 'YOU' do this behind my back.

Mum knew a few times I got donations for my cancer treatment, long story short I have a braintumor on the hypophesis...
Anyone who's fallowing me; should know that by now... I think...

Yes, she misses me, of course I'd work my butt off from time to time because she would get bills and she couldn't pay for it so who'd work for it? Cleaning appartments from elderly people? ME.

I'm not asking donations in my journal; I'm just expressing how I feel right now. Do you see me ASKING for donations in this journal beside in the footer if you WANT to help? And that 'question' is in EACH journal and it's if you WANT too.
Now I'll explain a bit BETTER what's going on
We have an end totalisation of the apartment we used to live in; I signed together with my brother, his gf and Myriam (my mother) herself a paper that we'd split the end totalisation. So, Steve owes my mother even more money than I do. He got this studybook a course he wanted to fallow of over 400 euro's i'm not sure exact how much; but I don't care, it's not my problem.

So I told Myriam I'd pay her montly 50 euro's with what I could.
But yeah if Steve doesn't pay I'm in trouble too, you understand? It's just very incomplicated mess...

And she threatened to sue cause my brother wont show her grandchild and she has in belgium rights the right to sue my brother for it...
But I'm beeing pulled a long and I have nothing to do with it, so I'm gonna do something about that and not with donations, I went to a lawyer and he told me simply she CAN'T HARM ME! As long I keep paying with parts a month my lawyer will say: 'SHE IS PROVIDING and keeping her PROMISE'
yes I signed that bloody paper but it's ripped in pieces but she got it out of the papertrash and put it back together THAT is why it's so EVIL!

Does this solve your questions?




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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
my brother and I just got this mail that says we have to pay my OWN mother money... With evidence so we can't get out...

Steve ows her 1045.12 euro's and will add the costs of adding a lawer
I'm at 975,45 euro's with the cost of adding a lawyer...

Why? C'mon WHY? T-T I didn't ...  -_-
If it's not paid before 29th of march they will take badly issue's, meaning taking everything I have...
What more do I got? I sleep on the floor, I have Madoka's cage and one closset with a few clothes is...

For the rest I have nothing................. -_-
I can't be put into this situation or else I'll never be able to get a appartment!
NEVER! C'mon -_- ... oh what's the use, just take a cord and hang yourself really, she'll fallow me everywhere to ruin me -_-
EVERYWHERE -_-





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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
Well so far the apartment was a fraude so I continued my search... I hope tomorrow to receive some good news because I really have no clue anymore.

I wanted to study for TC3 Disney; it was possibile but I have no diploma's
So all I can think of is someone that wants to hire me so I can get a job in USA and live there... I need to find a place where my ferret, Madoka is also welcome...

So what else, I need to collect a lot of money for this move and moving to usa...
So far, I'm not getting there...

And I feel really insperationless, almost no place to do it here right now to work on commissions etc

It's cramped and I don't feel like home here...





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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
Belgium a land I'm born in a family full of backstabbers on my mothers side... Not only that the position I'm in makes me driven to a corner, no way out, I can't get out...

You guessed it by now, I'm back in Belgium.
There was no solution for the moment. Thuesday I'll see my doctor including wednesday and thursday...
And then I'll look for a small room where I can stock my place because I need to find a place where Madoka and I can stay...

I can no longer stay at Katty, it becomes worser thanks to my 'delightful' brother.
It's been obious a lot of backtrash talking has been done in my absense;

I'm not ashamed to write here what he does, playing on the computer all day but living of the state.
I work on the computer and I was compared to him doing the same but I tell them: 'I make a living with what I do, unlike him.'

I hate my family, I want nothing to do with Steve, Josie or anyone else like Doris and my mother. They treated me like 'nothing' like I am a 'nothing'

I feel like I'm treated again by entering the borders of Belgium that I'm a 'NOTHING'
I have to leave but of course I'm beyond broke...
I need to get to work and fund to earn money so I can indeed leave this 'horror' story behind me and start new...
My inside heart and emotions feel numb and broken...
I learned I could have a nice life but to get there I have to fight really hard for it.

But I feel my strenght is exhausted and perished...

When I had to say goodbye to dad and donna I felt like I was saying 'farewell'

I feel I'm turning weaker by day just by entering this country. I felt strong but in just a few days I'm back to the 'old me'

I'm not strong enough...

I don't know what to do... It will take a while to figure out how to get back in USA, where to go, where to stay, how to get a job...
If anyone knows a solution, please write so... Cause all I got right now are my medications to calm me down... To become even more numb. Cause the moment when I don't take them, I harm myself... my hands are injured including my wrist... I'm only back for almost 3 days...

If a month in USA with a loving family can 'heal' me but Belgium with angered backstabbing people in my life can destroy it in less then 3 days. It is clear then, I no longer should be here... in this country...

- S





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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
I decided not to RETURN to Belgium.
Is there anyone who'd like to take me in for a little while? Please...

I'm not returning to 'hell'
Please someone I can trust, please...

Anyone in the US that can take me in for a month, I'll deal with a housing in meantime for Belgium. I want nothing to do anymore with anyone anymore who harm me... Please, I need help... Please someone...

- S





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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
For Meet and Greet upcoming THIS SATERDAY and SUNDAY I'm in Orlando. I will be in Disney World "DOWN TOWN". (The free area)
I have art with me, are there any bronies who want some of the ARTWORK I made that were for sale?
Please let me know, I need to make copy's of that.

28th of March I'm leaving back to Belgium.

I don't know when I'll be back in USA. So if you'd like to meet me. This saterday in ORLANDO.

I'd really love everyone who can LIKE this page to do that. " www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… "
All I can ask nicely is to like the page, the more people like it the more chance and I'd really like to get a job... so please and thank you... That means really a lot to me if you can spread it and all...


Thank you

luv ya buh bai

- S





.: D O N A T I O N :.
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  • Listening to: 20 percent cooler
I had a hint a while ago that Walibi parks is interested in my work. But for that, I need to show that people really like what I'm doing right now. So I created this: 'Walibi Fan Project' and I really hope that I'll be selected but in order to do that...

I'd really love everyone who can LIKE this page to do that. " www.facebook.com/walibifanproj… "
All I can ask nicely is to like the page, the more people like it the more chance and I'd really like to get a job... so please and thank you... That means really a lot to me if you can spread it and all...

Thank you

luv ya buh bai

P.S: I know a few people hate me for talking or drawing for it for some reason (yeah, you nag a lot about it) but if it's the only way to get some job that people would like. I really really would like this job. It would mean a lot to me. I know I'll never be good enough for Disney and I do not strive to go that. It's not the goal I'm after... It's just I really want to become the new comic artist and they said there is ROOM for Walibi's Universe so I'm not giving up. I just need to show CDA parks that the work I do with Kaniko is what they want...

So far my art has made it in the top 10 so really please... It would make me smile :heart:

So again -

Thank you

luv ya buh bai

- S





.: D O N A T I O N :.
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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session,Next page of Walibi's comic 'Nightmare in Shimmeria'

The site's name has been choosen:

www.ethereal-worlds.com/

Be prepared for a huge change, cause it has still all the old files on it. It took us such a long time to find a perfect name, I finally got it. I wanted 'stardust-designs' but it was taken. But in the end I thought every story is located in a different magical world.

I'll keep you all posted





NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session in 3...2... Movie and Question and Answers today, I'll draw later but I'm a bit exhausted and I still expect a call...

(More news on going to USA 1 march I'm in New York)

Ok, so yeah, my ticket is set, just need to pay the darn thing it's umm €693,59 Got 200 euro's already on my Mastercard... I'm really nervous... So nervous I'm going omg....

I can't spend much there but ... umm... I first need to pay the ticket of course... *looks at empty pocket*

But, I'll be in Ford Launderdale in Florida and many more places and I'd love to meet a lot of you guys and thank you in person. I'll be (hopefully if I have the money) from 1 march till 28th of march...

I'm going there to change my surname to become part of a better family...

I'm just so exited but I think I'm exiting to soon, if I need to pay this first...
I can't offer commissions right now cause of WFP I got a lil' payment for it and I really need to finish that site and it's comics before going...
Oh I just wish...

...

ARG I'm so exited, I'm to exited I go AAAH!



NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



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  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Video Games
www.livestream.com/sahshrine Livestream is in session in 3...2... countdown

Ok, so...

I hope to leave in march to Fort Myers in Florida... So I said I would hold a Meet and Greet day, I don't know if anyone of you guys live there... So if you want to meet up...
I go there, to change my 'last name' Coenen into 'De Sutter' to see if I will like Amercia, if it's a solution for me to stay there and everything... Because I'm thinking to go to Australia too...
But my dad and Donna thinks it's best for me to take a 'breather' right now, rest to find out who I am and all...
So tomorrow I'm going to get my passport and hope I'm allowed to go from the doctor cause there's a waiting time of 8 hours in one flight that I'm like: Oh dear stars...

One thing is for sure, I'm leaving Belgium.

I'm looking for a small storage room right now here in Belgium, I don't have much... Just a bit...
I know it will take a while... to find your own place and it seems in Belgium I don't find what I'm looking for... And for some reason, It doesn't feel like 'home' to me...

This will mean I supose... I don't know where this will be heading. All I know is, I got to get away from here. I've been manipulated and used enough.

So yeah anyone knows Fort Myers? ... *whelps* ....




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



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  • Listening to: Alex Hepburn - Under
I'm breathing but every day feels like hell...
I don't feel much reason to live but I try to keep on breathing, knowing I have the medications and no one to stop me it's quite strong of me not to do what I'd long for...

I know I'm not much online lately, I'm having so much to do during the day...
All I know is my brother did something so horrible yesterday to me that I slapped him as hard as I could...

He wants me out of Katty's appartment... He took my mother to the door and pushed me to join her.
I felt so betrayed and he said: "I can't stand to look at you anymore. I want you OUT!"
I knew this would happen, Katty just left to Tunesia and I told her the day before that a battle would happen between them and me.
Of course I'm "the weak link"
he kept going: "Go with her, go to your mama."
I ran to him and started to slap him hard with: "WHY? WHY? WHY YOU ALL DO THIS TO ME!? WHY YOU ALL HARM ME! WHY ARE YOU ALL AGAINST ME! WHY?!"

He looked at his arm with a threat in his eyes like: 'I can now call the cops with saying you harmed me'
I felt so broken so afraid. I try so hard, I get up, I ask if anyone needs something from the shop and I'll go get it, cause I'm so afraid to stay in this appartment, knowing my mother lives next door...
Appearently that's being an : "a$$ki$$er"

My doctor told me with the mri wednesday that no shrinking, no growing, nothing abnormal with my headaches and pain and specially the 'black outs' are badly.
He explained to me that when your brain is so tired, overcharged that your brain shuts down for a moment and back on to WARN you with: "you need rest"
I can't rest... I feel I'm in danger every moment of the day.

Katty is only gone for a few hours and then it already happened. I knew it would, and all I was doing was protecting him...
He doesn't want that and he said: 'I never had any help of you anyway'
I respond simply: 'What the loans I did all that shit means nothing to you? When you were hungry I fed you instead of myself? That meant nothing?'
his respond: 'Of course, you'll dwell in the past and push that in my face.'
Then the fight escalated and I just shouted at him like: 'You had the life of a GOD, I saw every corner of the house,  I got hit with pots, pans, almost drowned in the sink, thrown off the stairs, cut with a siscor to cut a part of my hair off. Those memories will never ever GO AWAY!'
He went like: "You don't know what I went through, you think I had that kind of life?"
I looked at him like: "All you had to do was point were I left one sheet of paper with a drawing on to let me get beaten up like $h!t"
and the fight escaleted from just trying to help him to this... Seeing my mother going: 'come live back with me'
I never felt so betrayed in my life.

He went like: "You're a danger to my child."
I told him: "I'm nice to Stephanie, for sakes I'm her Godmother, I get toys and clothes when I can... What's bad that I do?"
He: "Oh now you throw that to me..."
What did I say wrong? ...

That he went like: 'I'll move stuff to mother's place and you can stay there, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!"
Tears roled over my face cause the day before I saw my sister and her husband and we talked they opened up a few memories that were locked up for such a long time, for example; Eddie said: "You used to come down to play when we visited you."
Just 'poof' and I remember why and I told him: "Cause whenever I saw my sister I was so happy to see her, granma would stand at the kitchenwindow and look how much I smiled, the moment you'd all be gone, I'd be thrown in my room and I saw every corner of it... Eventuelly I just stopped going downstairs, everytime you guys came I just peeked at the stairs happy to see my sister that way'

The box of Pandora in my head is huge... I remember how I was pulled away so many times from my sister and my granmother from my fathers side with my mother yelling: "You'll NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!"

I had to sit and think for such a long time that night... Memories of your childhood like this are really bad, I know why childeren lock them up so easily... But I never knew that one small trigger could open that 'box'.

My brother plays 'EVE' all day long till sometimes 3 am to 5 am in the morning. He pretends that his life is so much better.
I don't see him having all this healthissue's, I don't see him having trouble getting a job, he wants the royal chair at a job. No he gets a good income from the state that's over 1000 euro's and refuses to pay me back.
I still don't understand that they can have more then 7000 euro's in less then 3 months. Being able to move to buy a HIGH DEFINITION FLATSCREEN TV, the best washingmachine.

I got 'NOTHING' I can't save, I depend on my friends while I want to work, it's horrible when you try so hard and that your boss says: 'I know you tried, but it's not working out for you, ... '

I want to work, I want to be able to be proud of myself, my brother said: "I can look atleast at myself in the mirror, you can't huh?"
Why are they manipulating me... Why... What did I do...

Why everywhere I go, people think I'm odd, strange...

Why did this all happened to me... Is it cause the 'abortion' didn't went through?
Am I punished for that?

I still have no studio that in my range for payment cause I'm still stuck with a loan I did to help my brother.
I'm told by my dad, Donna, Eddie, my sister, NEVER help a person anymore, just yourself, ...

The laughing eyes that he'd even say: "I"ll help you move"
I heard him LIE against his gf of words I didn't said and how he has the urge to "kill" me. (Is it just me or is my family getting a lust to kill? Or is it the desire to get rid of someone so easily)

"It's all about you"
no, ... I tempelary gave up Madoka, my ferret so I can find a place to move, cause they can't stand stress.
He went like: "You care so much about her huh? Doesn't seem like it."

The kid kept hitting Madoka or Josie hits my lilttle girl...

Appearently having PTSD a tumor in the head and emotional damage is no reason to be 'who' I am...
All I'm good for is 'help' and afterwards being 'spit' in the face by them...

I locked myself up, I'm not going back to her. I'll try to find another place as soon as I can...
I'm so afraid...

I'm thinking to rent a small place to just lock up my stuff and stay a while in 'Fort Myers in Florida' to stay at my dad...
Just to get 'rest'
To find out who I am... But I can't aford a place if anyone knows something really really cheap to stay at for maybe a month...

I need appearently more surgeries then I thought but I can't aford them... It's nice to hear a doctor to say: 'your neck, back and chest are misformed'
I have a hard time with my 'looks' now even more when he said that cause of loosing so much wheight and more factors I can't recall them all he said, that my body is ... ruined ...
I'm getting crazy am I?

I'm afraid that, the moment I leave this room and go 'out' my brother will lock me out...
I'm so afraid of myself... I'm so afraid of my thoughts... I'm so afraid of my looks... I'm so afraid... I'm so afraid...

I tried to find a 'runaway place' to even stay at, Hakim even helped, I guess all I can do is wait till monday...

I long for the day I can type in this journal: "Everything is fine with me... Tumor's gone, got no debts, my own place, Madoka's back with me, my comic is getting published, I finally have a great job..."

I'm sorry, for not beeing online so much...
I'm a total wreck a mess... Please give me time...

-K


"See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, saying nothing's gonna be okay
I feel it in my heart, soul, mind that I'm losing
Every reason that I have left to live
All the sanity I've ever owned... gone
But I'm still breathing
I feel it in my veins, skin, bones that I'm losing...
Don't bury me,
Don't let me down,
Don't say it's over
'Cause that would send me under,
Underneath the ground
Don't say those words
I wanna live but you words can murder
Only you could send me under..."




NOTIFICATION: "The Site Goddess ofthe Night will close soon in december to be replaced by 'one working site' to remove the expensives"
So if you notice some things are not working, please don't worry. I will fix it soon.

.: D O N A T I O N :.
GotN.com doesn't exist anymore, you wish to donate 'sahtori at gmail.com'

Read the story -> www.goddess-ofthe-night.com/tr… or  youtu.be/lgWb7TqPFNI
Gotn.com is closed I'll upload the story soon on a different stuff...

Want to buy something from me on EBAY?

Nothing for sale - currently



.: FaceBook :.
Love 'Sahtori Kamaya' the 'Goddess' that haunts this dA page?
Then haunt her back on www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya

.: LiveSTREAM :.
Mostly Daily stuff to see; want to talk to the artist behind 'Sahtori'? www.livestream.com/sahshrine

.: Tumblr:.
Invaded by ponies? Check that out -> askmini-pony.tumblr.com/


  • Listening to: Alex Hepburn - Under