I have been gone for two weeks - I noticed that it was very hard in the beginning to cope with all those feelings, pain and regret.
As I've said before, I don't dare to write what is all happening with me online anymore - especially in public. I've realized by comments of friends who know me for a long time that I've turned into an ... 'introvert'
I talked to the doctors about it, they agreed - but not only that, knowing you are 'sick' having many illnesses in your body is something your mind keeps thinking about it and with suppressing them your body will get more sick.
Cancer seems like a virus that can not be stopped - when finally getting the news that my tumor is stable ... a new 'virus' appears.
This time, I don't know if I feel like fighting anymore - it has become so difficult to me to just use my hands and draw.
It's difficult for myself to even believe in myself.
It seems every word I write, right or wrong is useless - I have stopped asking help from friends and also in public but still I keep hearing the gossips of people all around. It's hard to pull the knife out of my back and let it heal ... Because when I finally trust someone they put the knife back in the painful scar that's resitting in my soul.
I can not ... seem to be happy - I need help to shop, eat and keeping my days filled - or else my sleep will take over and I wont budge. Right now, it's two days and I haven't budged.
The doctors are busy to get me back to Myriam, my ... mother ... because I've turned unstable. It took me over three weeks to recover from my journey to the US - then an attack - after taking so much medication to calm myself down to press the pain away - another incident happened that I went further and finally let Myriam enter my home - only to see to her eyes how cruel everything has become.
She cleaned my room while I rested on my bed. I still am resting, I'm exhausted. Papers emerged from hospitals, bills, paper work - work for people who have commissioned me. But I didn't budge, I tried to get up a few times to help - but my body didn't allow it and after at least 5 min I had to lay down from pure pain and fatigue. It's not going well - the treatments aren't covered by my healthcare. My doctor told me after seeing her two weeks later - saying: 'I'm sorry I lied, I didn't want to see anyone...' she told me my CFS is getting worse. Though Daniel keeps saying: 'You seem depressed.'
I keep saying: 'I'm not.' there are days I'm fine and my mind is quiet - but then there are cruel days that my mind just destroys my day - it's like fire in my head. Only solution for the moment is medication - or if my body decides to shut down.
My ferrets are in the meantime at Margiet - In this condition I can not take care of Akemi's pups and Kyoko - I feel like I'm in a sea of self-pity and I can't seem to get out. I'm alone in this room. I don't feel like reaching out my hands for help. Every time I do, someone has to hurt me so much that I feel like ... death ...
It's all around me - darkness, cold, pain and being alone ...
I'm sorry I can not write happy thoughts - because every time I'm happy - something HAS to happen to ruin it. I'm not allowed to be happy, I'm not allowed to be free, I'm not even allowed to die ...
I'm sorry that ... I'm no use right now ... I'm ... just so tired ... I hope you can forgive me ...
I just ... feel like all my dreams are shattered and devided into millions of stars that I keep wishing over and over again ...
My live-steam is only announced on my public facebook -> www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya…
They happen 'only' if I feel alright, past weekend I couldn't ... If they happen it's Friday-night, Saturday-night and maybe Sunday-night. it is a maybe.
I might pay all the people who commissioned me back monthly - I don't feel strong nor confident anymore. I'm sorry this ... journal seems so weird and depressing - but I guess that's what I am. Someone ... far away from everyone, ... whom doesn't want to be touched anymore by 'kindness' - my fear to trust someone has taken over me.