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About Digital Art / Professional Official Beta Tester Karine CoenenFemale/Belgium Recent Activity
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Given by XD-385
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48 deviants said OH HELL NO!!!!
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29 deviants said Meh it's A'ight ...
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21 deviants said *Loads gun*
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8 deviants said You should get an Apple ...
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6 deviants said I sooooo can't wait for number 9
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5 deviants said O M G I LUV IT SO MUCH
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4 deviants said I still haven't found the START button after 2 weeks! *throws laptop out of window*
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4 deviants said windows ... *looks outside* ... Well those windows but they 'aint 8 ... *counts how many in the house*
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2 deviants said Windows wha?
I have been gone for two weeks - I noticed that it was very hard in the beginning to cope with all those feelings, pain and regret. 

As I've said before, I don't dare to write what is all happening with me online anymore - especially in public. I've realized by comments of friends who know me for a long time that I've turned into an ... 'introvert' 

I talked to the doctors about it, they agreed - but not only that, knowing you are 'sick' having many illnesses in your body is something your mind keeps thinking about it and with suppressing them your body will get more sick. 

Cancer seems like a virus that can not be stopped - when finally getting the news that my tumor is stable ... a new 'virus' appears. 
This time, I don't know if I feel like fighting anymore - it has become so difficult to me to just use my hands and draw. 
It's difficult for myself to even believe in myself. 

It seems every word I write, right or wrong is useless - I have stopped asking help from friends and also in public but still I keep hearing the gossips of people all around. It's hard to pull the knife out of my back and let it heal ... Because when I finally trust someone they put the knife back in the painful scar that's resitting in my soul. 

I can not ... seem to be happy - I need help to shop, eat and keeping my days filled - or else my sleep will take over and I wont budge. Right now, it's two days and I haven't budged.

The doctors are busy to get me back to Myriam, my ... mother ... because I've turned unstable. It took me over three weeks to recover from my journey to the US - then an attack - after taking so much medication to calm myself down to press the pain away - another incident happened that I went further and finally let Myriam enter my home - only to see to her eyes how cruel everything has become. 

She cleaned my room while I rested on my bed. I still am resting, I'm exhausted. Papers emerged from hospitals, bills, paper work - work for people who have commissioned me. But I didn't budge, I tried to get up a few times to help - but my body didn't allow it and after at least 5 min I had to lay down from pure pain and fatigue. It's not going well - the treatments aren't covered by my healthcare. My doctor told me after seeing her two weeks later - saying: 'I'm sorry I lied, I didn't want to see anyone...' she told me my CFS is getting worse. Though Daniel keeps saying: 'You seem depressed.'
I keep saying: 'I'm not.' there are days I'm fine and my mind is quiet - but then there are cruel days that my mind just destroys my day - it's like fire in my head. Only solution for the moment is medication - or if my body decides to shut down.

My ferrets are in the meantime at Margiet - In this condition I can not take care of Akemi's pups and Kyoko - I feel like I'm in a sea of self-pity and I can't seem to get out. I'm alone in this room. I don't feel like reaching out my hands for help. Every time I do, someone has to hurt me so much that I feel like ... death ... 

It's all around me - darkness, cold, pain and being alone ...

I'm sorry I can not write happy thoughts - because every time I'm happy - something HAS to happen to ruin it. I'm not allowed to be happy, I'm not allowed to be free, I'm not even allowed to die ...

I'm sorry that ... I'm no use right now ... I'm ... just so tired ... I hope you can forgive me ... 

I just ... feel like all my dreams are shattered and devided into millions of stars that I keep wishing over and over again ... 

My live-steam is only announced on my public facebook -> www.facebook.com/sahtorikamaya…;
They happen 'only' if I feel alright, past weekend I couldn't ... If they happen it's Friday-night, Saturday-night and maybe Sunday-night. it is a maybe. 

I might pay all the people who commissioned me back monthly - I don't feel strong nor confident anymore. I'm sorry this ... journal seems so weird and depressing - but I guess that's what I am. Someone ... far away from everyone, ... whom doesn't want to be touched anymore by 'kindness' - my fear to trust someone has taken over me. 

- Kay

deviantID

Sahtori-Kamaya
Karine Coenen
Artist | Professional | Digital Art
Belgium
Interests

Friends

:iconambreakasora: :iconevana: :iconherisheft: :iconmewsagi-chan: :iconnegikurikaniko: :iconrik4100:

Shoutbox

gojira4life:icongojira4life:
mayeb?
Sun Mar 16, 2014, 11:37 AM
Mewsagi-Chan:iconmewsagi-chan:
:heart:
Thu Mar 6, 2014, 11:41 AM
Sahtori-Kamaya:iconsahtori-kamaya:
Thank you sim2007
Tue Feb 11, 2014, 10:19 PM
sim2007:iconsim2007:
We love you so much, Karine! :iconYuihugplz: I hope you are doing well :heart:
Fri Dec 27, 2013, 8:11 AM
Sahtori-Kamaya:iconsahtori-kamaya:
NO!
Mon Oct 28, 2013, 5:12 PM
rushforza:iconrushforza:
Yes!
Mon Oct 28, 2013, 4:59 PM
Sahtori-Kamaya:iconsahtori-kamaya:
No!
Fri Oct 25, 2013, 3:05 PM
Nobody

Comments


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:iconxepxyu:
xepxyu Apr 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
nice
Reply
Flagged as Spam
Flagged as Spam
:icontmnt-raph-fan:
TMNT-Raph-fan Mar 18, 2014  Student Digital Artist
you got hugged :icondragonhugplz:
Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!) 

RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you! 
2- You -MUST- hug 6 other people, at least! 
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their page! 
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet) 
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away! 

Send This To All Your Friends, And Me If I Am 1. 
If You Get 7 Back You Are Loved! 
1-3 you're bad friend! 
4-6 you're an ok friend! 
7-9 you're a good friend! 
10-& Up you're a great friend!
Reply
:icongojira4life:
HI EVERYONE!
Gojira4life here speaking on behalf of sahtori-kamaya.

Currently our beloved sahtori is feeling a bit under the weather.
As such, she has decided to take some time off to improve on her health and get rid of some of that pent up stress.
She doesn't know how long this might take, a few days or maybe a whole week or so, but she assure me she'll be back soon enough.

So friends, be sure to give her your support but please try to understand she'll be shutting off her Internet as well to minimize the stress.
If people keep asking her why she doesn't reply to them, she won't have time to relax and recover properly.
So I ask everyone to give her some time and keep your questions about her to yourself for now.
She will feel much better if you give her total peace and quiet.

On behalf of our beloved Sati and from me as well, I thank you for your patience and understanding.
And don't worry, she will be back ;)

Greetings to all of you.

~Gojira4life
Reply
:iconmayvi:
Mayvi Mar 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Why do you call yourself a Goddess?
Reply
:iconsahtori-kamaya:
Sahtori-Kamaya Mar 12, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Oh, it's a joke that my friends made up, I have sleep problems, I can sleep during the day but night, it's a ... big problem. After midnight I get great idea's for drawing and stories, so my friends nicknamed me 'Goddess of the Night' but I removed that for a long time now, I do not call myself a 'Goddess' 

Although, all woman are 'Goddesses' since all girls are 'Princesses' we should be 'Goddesses' ... I'm joking around with ya :p
Reply
:iconlily-death:
Lily-Death Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
i love your webcam! ^^
Reply
:iconunicorn-skydancer08:
Hi, there. :heart: How are you faring these days?
Reply
:iconsahtori-kamaya:
Sahtori-Kamaya Feb 18, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
I guess alright, just trouble with the Jet-Lag
Reply
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