So, I felt it was time to update my journal, been working really hard the past few weeks. I had almost everyday a new treat on the sites. But for the moment I'm in a huge burn out. In a lot of pain, strains in my back, shoulders and legs. It's hard for me to walk lately. I'm seeing the doctors again by Wednesday, not that I'm looking forward to it.
I realize how lonely I feel while actually the people that care are around the world. I might have missed that a few times and I don't enjoy talking lately about what's all going on. It feels like I'm forcing to "spit" my words out. You know, I feel like a gigantic loser that hasn't made anything in the world yet. Like, one moment I feel ready to work on so many things, I burst with creativity and just a few seconds later, I pitty myself. Feel lonely, I'm not often anymore on Facebook, because I keep seeing: "Share this, share that" animal cruelty, human cruelty. People are staring to much to their tablets and phones and with each moment that passes by, ... I can't help but wonder. "What's the use of life?" either you find someone and start a family and work all your life to safe away, and have almost nothing cause the government takes it away. Or you'll be like me, a single lonely person, who doesn't have anything, cause rent, food, all we do is live to work.
So, I want to write a merry christmas and a happy new year, but does it matter? All the promises we'll give to ourselves that we'll be better people by the other end of the year?
Maybe I've given up, ... after the news something is wrong with my Thyroid and it could be Thyroid Cancer or just completely broken and needs removal. I don't feel like being happy anymore. I have nothing, I fought all my life, gave everything to other people. Barely something for myself. I gave my opportunities to other people, lost because I gave up on myself my wish to become a comic artist and nothing but fear lives in me. The fear of failure. I am a failure, I am just one of Gods creatures walking without a purpose. Since I do not want to reproduce, I do not long for a man around me to start a family.
I long for salvation, out. A restart, I don't know no more what would make me happy. Give me a puppy, I'd put the poor animal for adoption because I'm in so much pain. I read so often how 'strong' I am for all those years of fighting, but it's taking it's toll, I'm depressed, lonely and CFS is making me weak. I can't fight no more. I feel roads are open but I'm to tired to walk, ... I use a stroller to walk in the city.
People think I'm 25 years old, wish that was the case ... I'd redo a lot of things differently ... knowing who I can trust and who not. I'd not be that idiot that spends her time anymore to be the happiest person there is. I guess I've always walked with a mask around my face. The happy mask. To be accused of that I "use" people. Oh God, how many time I've heard this before. The bad, all the bad. Until people meet me with my weak body. That I turn pale after a while, that I need to sit down. How many people have met me like this and yet - such assholes, ... to turn my words into something like venom.
But I'm getting off my subject. I'll keep working, if you feel like a commission, my note is open, I only do 1 max 2 a week. I am, who I am. You don't fucking like me. Then piss off.
I'm throwing away that mask. Because I'm done with the world, you want to be mean to me, fine, I'll ignore you and move on. Because that's what life's about right? Moving on.
Then accept this bitch I've turned into, the past turned me into this, people turned me into this, no more mask. Just me, the one who has now a shorter fuse and distrust and looks beyond your words that you write to me. You want my trust? Fucking put effort into it. You want to be angry at me? Be angry at my past, be angry at them for molding me into this. I've just put a wall around me. That's all.
So, have a fucking merry chrisyear.
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