Yes, you read it well, stomach ulcer. Past night (almost 6AM) they took a scan because the pain was unbearable. Past Friday I went to see my house doctor so I have to keep taking the same medication. I'm constantly burping. I'm taking 'Ranitidine 300MG' before I go to sleep (yay more medication)
I'm stressed, I'm beyond stressed out. I don't know 'why' I got this, but a huge factor could be: 'Stress'
Stressed out, scared, beyond ... I don't know what to do. Monday I'm having a control doctor, who'll decide I'll continue 'labor' work. Though, I'm a freelance artist and I'm living on that income. Nothing much will change besides back to RVA, forced training etc etc. We all know with my CFS I'll handle max 2 weeks.
I still don't know if I'll go to the US, yes or no. I got my tickets. I asked to be sure if I could exchange, get my money back. But the answer is no. The only thing they asked is when I decide not to go, to tell them 'one' day beforehand. So those seats are back open.
I can't afford a motel and I even looked up to go on a 10 day cruise. They said for 500$ it's possible. I thought, well at least I have food as much as I want, I don't need to do activities, but as much food as I want a roof. With the idea to get a return ticket to go back to Belgium, instead of a month. Well turns out when you click on it, the price triples and I don't have that money. Totally not.
I looked at all the links you all have given me and unfortunately everything will add up to 1000$ - I don't have that amount. I'm broke. I don't think my father nor Donna will be standing in the airport if I choose to go. From what I read what my aunt wrote to their FB pages and all. I'm feeling paranoia of course.
Myriam doesn't want me to go, in fact I got threats, super duper threats and I think you all now can 'pile' up my problems and guess why I'm taking such heavy medication.
I'm on a scale of 10, now a 9.
I've been scolded at, ignored now by my own mother. She's upset at me and I can tell, it's all my fault again, you know, we are back in the past people. Yes, I'm doing anything again to please her, so much I gave my spending money for my trip to her for FOOD. Then she had the NERVE to yell on the parking-lot that I didn't contribute in the family.
I shouted at her, like I've never done that before. Telling her off. People did look at me like: "What a bitch ..." - but I thought, this is the drop. She's forcing me to cancel my trip, she's forcing me this. This is what everyone has been warning her about and I told her that to. We will 'fight' - we live to small and I'm not planning to move.
So, I'm waiting 'till I feel a tad better to tell her I'm moving back on my own. I did not had 'this' problem when I lived on my own. Yes, I'm being fed, yes, everything is clean. But at what cost. Stomach Ulcers, doctors are afraid my tumor is growing (for so far they can see, there's NO activity ...) - I'm ready to go to a mental institution.
That's how I feel. I look in the mirror and ... think by myself: "I wish my mother ... did it. Who's telling the truth? ... Who, Why am I here? Why do I have to go through all of this, yes it could be worse."
My stomach, I took a picture, was swollen up, I looked like a 7 month pregnant woman. I kept burping and the urge to throw up. So at night my stomach was, ... horrible, the pain, ... so I went to the hospital, Myriam didn't join. Took records, another tube through my throat, no internal bleeding's so far. I thought, maybe I ate something wrong. No, stress - oh DONE.
So today, I starved myself, because of the fear that I would have to throw up or that my stomach would kill me.
Now 5 doctors, I've been telling this and even here, at FA and DA, people are telling me: "Your mother will be the DEATH of you."
If my doctors are telling that, my friends are telling that, people online are telling me that and I'm starting to loose reality, as in, ... I want to be 'off' this planet. I want happiness.
I wont find it. I feel, ... so empty but who am I to complain? People got it far worse. All I got to complain is, that I miss my ferrets and I gave up my freedom, that I had to fight for so HARD to help Myriam to only get back to zero.
So, now, either I take a little holiday, with my suitcase wondering at the beach, hoping I wont get robbed or just start looking to move back on my own. I don't care that I don't take care of myself, that I don't eat like I should, that I don't go outside. What I'm going through now, if I go outside it's only to see the doctor and for the rest I'm in this thing you call a bed. Getting threat after threat. I ask her constantly: "Are you alright, can I do something for you." - she just stares at the TV and if you're lucky, she'll say 'one' word.
What can I do, I found out via my doctor she has borderline personality issue's. She's a huge manipulator and to be honest, how do I get out of this situation?
I have no money, when I do, I have to spend it on food.
She watches how I'm working on the commissions and looks at the chats of how much the people paid. So she knows what I have. So, how am I going to cope with that. Please, I don't have deposit money to get a place. I can't afford more than 300 - 400 EUR a month
So, tell me what to do, because I don't know anymore.
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